XH and partner becoming foster carers...impact on DD?

[TroubleComesInSmallPackages]

Last weekend XH dropped the news on DD that he and his partner have applied to become foster carers.

We were together for nearly 20 years and I left him 2.5 years ago and subsequently divorced him on grounds of unreasonable (controlling and emotionally abusive) behaviour. DD is 14yo and an only child by choice on both our parts. He got together with his partner before the ink was dry on the divorce petition very soon after we split, and in spite of my sarcasm, she is actually lovely and DD gets on with her well. She has no kids.

XH has told DD that them fostering will have no impact on his relationship with her. She sees him twice a week and doesn't do overnights, which is her choice although he hasn't exactly put himself out to try and convince her otherwise.

I think he's deluded if he thinks this won't impact on DD and overall hasn't a clue what he's letting himself in for. She's already had youth support and counselling around our split and is just about to start her GCSEs and I'm worried sick that it could have a detrimental effect on her wellbeing. She had been upset this week and tried to discuss it with him but he just downplays her concerns as far as I can tell.

He and I are not on great terms so I can't discuss the situation with him parent to parent. Did consider speaking to his partner as we get on ok join the rare occasions we see each other, but I've no idea if he's told her the reasons for our divorce and could end up opening a whole other can of worms. Tbf from what DD says he seems to be a very different character theses days than he was with me

Don't really know what I want from this thread to be honest, maybe some reassurance that I'm not being an over protective nut job and some insight into the process (he has told DD that she, and possibly I, will be contacted during the vetting process) and how to support DD through the inevitable changes in their relationship if anyone's had experience of a similar situation.

It's OK, I can see you are not. You are looking out for your DD as she is your priority. Hope it sorts out OK.

I am a foster carer. My ex (dd's dad) was interviewed as part of my approval process. I had no problem with this as we get on well.

In terms of impact on your dd it's really hard to say. It totally depends on the ability of her dad and sm to keep your dd's interests in mind. It also depends on the fc of course. All of mine have been high needs but lovely but you do hear horror stories.

She might love helping out with babies and toddlers. It might bring them closer. My dd has loved having a girl 3 years younger than her because she enjoys board games and Lego so dd (now 16) gets to play with all her old stuff that she wouldn't get out of the cupboard otherwise

I would never say yes to a placement within 2 years of dds age. I made that clear from the start. It doesn't stop SW phoning me asking me to take 16yo boys on a Sunday night. They need to say no if it would impact on your dd. That gets easier with time.

On a positive note I think fostering has been really good for my dd. It's opened her eyes to what some children experience. I think our relationship improved because she didn't take me for granted so much.

Thank you Teen.

I really hoped that over time their relationship would get closer. It has improved in that she enjoys spending time with him and his partner, but I had hoped that she might spend more time with him and maybe stay over at times.

There was talk of them having counselling together at some point in the early days but he's never made any attempt to initiate anything, even though he could afford for them to have private sessions if necessary.

I don't doubt for a moment that he loves her, I'm just disappointed their relationship hasn't progressed more, and given her age and the situation, I guess it probably won't now.

Thanks Kick - that's really interesting.

I have more faith in XHs partner being aware of impact on DD than him tbh! He's quite inclined to try and brush things off.

I can't imagine DD loving the baby and toddler stage but who knows!

Like someone else said what exactly do you want though? Your daughter isn’t a little kid who doesn’t understand, if she is worried about losing time with her dad then maybe she should see him more. I really don’t understand how him fostering would be a bad thing for her, for the sake of two days a week, should his life really be put on hold?

I don’t think you need to decide if you give him a good or bad reference.

You should tell SS the truth about how he was when you were married and after you split and what kind of father he is to your DD.

Let them decide what to do with the information. It should be confidential.

If you don’t want to do it in writing then you can ask to meet a SW instead.