MIL coming for Christmas. Coping strategies needed.

[BloomsButtons]

My MIL has just told us she's coming for Christmas. She's 80 and lives 3 hours from us.

She and I get on fine in small doses but anything over 3 days and I end up simmering with rage.

Her normal Christmas visits are from the 22nd Dec - 5th Jan and I can't face that this year. 23rd-28th would be manageable.

She's been to see us twice this year (and we've been to her a few times) and each visit was horrendous. She doesn't like our dog and is constantly moaning at her and I mean constantly. Poor dog can't move, sigh or even raise her head without being moaned at. As a result our dog becomes nervous and skittish whenever MIL is here which leads to more moaning and berating.

As she's got older MIL has lost a bit of her filter and is downright rude and pass-remarkable about/to people. She tells me what she thinks needs done around the house and doesn't like it if DH does anything domestic.

I'm in my NQT year and need my holidays, or at least a portion of them to rest and recharge for the next term.

How can I diplomatically approach this with DH? My previous attempt at asking him to try and shorten her visit was met with 'I can't do that, it would be rude and unkind.'

Can you go and stay anywhere else? Anyone who is going away who wants a cat/ dog sitter? Claim you need to work.

My Mum lives not far away and is offering to do Christmas for me, her and my brother. With wine. Lots and lots of wine. And gin.

I'd love to go but can't just up and leave on Christmas Day leaving the DC here with DH and MIL 🙁.

I do love my MIL, she's DH's mum but she's got more and more cantankerous over the years and her comments grate after the first 24 hours.

After her last visit DH was moaning about how awful it had been. For once he had to do all the entertaining as I was working and then away at an NQT conference.

Which reminds me, must get DH to take time of while his Mum is here so he isn't leaving me to do all the entertaining!

Would your Mum be willing to host you Boxing Day instead so you at least get to escape?

Will put that idea to her!

Stay for Christmas Day then leg it to your mums!

How can I diplomatically approach this with DH? he’s your husband!
You tell him you can’t manage more than a few days, need to have a holiday yourself etc and ask him to arrange a shorter visit. If not, then you go to your mums as you need a break. It’s unfair for DH to put his mum’s feelings above yours, especially when there is room for compromise.

Bingo cards. I used to have to suffer through days with FIL and all the extended family and they are snarky to DH at the best of times. I read somewhere about playing bingo with it, and it really did take the edge off their comments and make it laughable. Think of all the snippy comments, divide up into a bingo card each, and then the first one to a line etc gets to claim a prize from the other

It is too long, who cares if it seems unkind she’s goibg to be there until 5th January! I get annoyed with Mil stating 1 night on Christmas night as we only get Christmas Day and Boxing Day off. She lives 20 minutes away and could really just go home at 10pm but shebhad tonstaynandbthen on our lady day of being off trying to get her to leave is really hard. I actually want to lie around in my jammies watching films and eating!

Every time she complains or moans about dog "You seem miserable MIL shall we sort out for you to go home tomorrow?"

Def tell DH he is hosting!

Bloody hell tell your DH three days max ... she needs to FO By 27th so you can relax!

Take the kids on loads of days out as special bonding time for just you and then? No room for MIL. Or visit friends and family what MIL didn't know so won't join?

Thanks everyone. Good to read I'm not being totally unreasonable.

One memorable year she came on the 17th Dec and left on 7th Jan. I was a wreck when she left.

Maybe on boxing day announce you have seen fleas on ddog!! Offer to help her pack as obviously she won't want to hang around!!

Do you have any older generation people you can invite round to dilute your MIL? Any lonely neighbours might like some company?

I don't understand, why is she with you every year? When is it your family's turn? Sorry but your DH sounds like a twat being so rude and inflexible. It's your home too.

Why on earth does she need to stay so long if she’s only 3 hours away OP?

I feel your pain. My MIL is coming too. DH has announced that she can't spend Christmas on her own so has to come to us. Her DH is still alive but in a nursing home and won't know it is Christmas. This is it. She will be with us every Christmas forever more. Argh!

Totally agree with small doses being fine. Anything more than 3/4 days and I am climbing the walls. She doesn't shower when here because she can't do the step into the downstairs shower room, so I have set up one upstairs for her to manage, but she will not go up there. She smells, but DH doesn't notice it. Nothing I do is ever the way she would do it, and she loves to let me know, 'just to be helpful'. And apparently I spend too much, and should make do with basics ranges, because she can't tell the difference. Well, I can for a lot of products and can afford not to have to budget that tightly.

That is a ridiculous length of time. She's not coming from New Zealand!

Tell your DH that it's an inconvenient length and that she needs to go home on 28th. You don't have to be diplomatic with him. You need a break in your own home, it's as simple as that.

Way too long, it sounds horrific! Definitely put your foot down and in light of her bluntness, use the same level of honesty with her. State how long her visit will be and state clearly when the last day will be.

The DH issue also needs attention. He can do the leg work and put his fair share of work in from this year. State your plans and what you are willing to do to support him, and stick to you guns.

Loving the bingo idea too though 😂

MyKingdom MIL comes alternate years thankfully.

No idea why the length of stay it's just always been that way.

Say that dh hadn’t checked with you properly and hand realised that she can only stay for 3 nights because: Other plans? Other guests already booked? Going away to others? Essential repairs to the house that can only be done 28th Dec into the New Year so she needs to go home?

Remind dh of last visit, point out how badly it went and how much precious leave he will need to —waste— use up granny sitting her as you have got lots of work to do so you cannot be involved in entertaining her at all. Then remind him again what he thought last time.

Point out that you do not have the spare mental capacity to deal with her nicely this year - if she is rude or unfiltered to you then that is what she gets back. If she complains she can go home. She will also be told exactly what’s what and while you won’t start anything you will not tolerate her being rude etc to you in your own home.

Remind him again that he is entertaining her and if he doesn’t/ can’t then you cannot pick up the slack and you will not entertain her.

Ring her up and tell her the dates she can come (well not the overnight that you could tolerate but 3 or 4 days for dh) and see what happens.

I think that is your answer then - have Christmas with MIL. Then have a few days 'preparing classes' at your mum's, a few days with the family again then back to mum's. The only way dh will adapt his ways is if it is him bearing the full brunt of the hosting.

Can you work out places she might actually enjoy going to, or activities etc for older people? It's hard to entertain for so long if they are cantankerous!

Absolutely use your course to escape.. that is your secret weapon

Escape to the library or your mum's

Sounds like hell. Did you invite her or did she invite herself?