MIL coming for Christmas. Coping strategies needed.

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My MIL has just told us she's coming for Christmas. She's 80 and lives 3 hours from us.

She and I get on fine in small doses but anything over 3 days and I end up simmering with rage.

Her normal Christmas visits are from the 22nd Dec - 5th Jan and I can't face that this year. 23rd-28th would be manageable.

She's been to see us twice this year (and we've been to her a few times) and each visit was horrendous. She doesn't like our dog and is constantly moaning at her and I mean constantly. Poor dog can't move, sigh or even raise her head without being moaned at. As a result our dog becomes nervous and skittish whenever MIL is here which leads to more moaning and berating.

As she's got older MIL has lost a bit of her filter and is downright rude and pass-remarkable about/to people. She tells me what she thinks needs done around the house and doesn't like it if DH does anything domestic.

I'm in my NQT year and need my holidays, or at least a portion of them to rest and recharge for the next term.

How can I diplomatically approach this with DH? My previous attempt at asking him to try and shorten her visit was met with 'I can't do that, it would be rude and unkind.'

I eased the pain by putting a few bottles of wine under the bed and treated myself a few early nights. Red wine unless you've got an electronic cool box you can stash in the bedroom.

Poor you OP!! That's my idea of hell.
It would be a toss up between DH and I who would lose patience and strangle my MIL first if we had to endure her for that long.
My money's on DH, he's got more years of built up frustration!

(I was trying to send you a wine emoji but they aren't working)

Quick - Book a holiday. Not at all kidding! I've arranged a longhaul holiday abroad for our family this year and am honestly relieved that we don't have the stresses of hosting an extended family Christmas as a result.

Yes, yes to bingo! I think that might have come from a similar thread I started a couple of years ago and along with a Christmas jigsaw, it worked like a dream. I think finding something that's a distraction but also requires concentration is the key to keeping difficult guests quiet.

To the PP who asked, DH invited her. I wasn't against the invite just the length of the stay.

I may keep a bingo record card on here when the time comes 😁.

I'm dreading it already but will probably take refuge at my Mums in the guise of lesson planning.

Hang On! Back to the first thing op said - she TOLD you she was coming and for how long? That's bloody presumptuous to start with! Ah dh invited her? WITHOUT discussing it with you first re when/how long for?! He's bang out of order and you are ABSOLUTELY not unreasonable to bollock him for that! Especially if he was expecting you to do the bulk of the work related to her visiting!

As always with these issues dh is the problem! He needs to TELL HER that he cocked up this is too long and shorten the visit (that looks to be your entire holiday she thinks she's coming for?!) AND book time off so it's not all left to you.

As for the cantankerousness - if she can give it she can bloody take it too!

"Mil the dog is doing NOTHING wrong leave it alone!"

"Mil dh is perfectly capable of hoovering/cooking/putting a laundry on we all pull our weight in this house leave it be!"

Better still if dh tells her these things.

And if she REALLY pushes her luck a very pointed "well of course if you'd rather be at home THAT CAN BE ARRANGED"

Two days before Xmas, tell her everyone has come down with norovirus, so she'll have to remain at home.

We got stuck with mil every Xmas for ten years. Sil never helped out of course.

Spending Christmas with us is really too much for our 87 year old MIL/DM. 5 nights is long enough for all of us. She is exhausted when she returns home - sleeps sleeps sleeps on her return home. Her stay is an important part of our Christmas - for everyone. But we share your pain. We've tried many permutations over the years. Afternoon tea with her son who gave his undivided attention for over 2 hours. The house is too busy, the phone rings too often, tv not on the right channel, different food (too many vegetables!), too many coming and goings etc. We are very aware she is stressed with it all. The dogs have died but we are anticipating welcoming more hopefully in the new year. We also had what you described with the dogs. I just keep a smile fixed firmly and help the other half bite his tongue at different times. We are very thankful she is still with us as the behaviours all contribute to the Christmas traditions now! I can only empathise - our solution is to hit the wine! or Gin!

Just tell dh that she has to be gone by the 28th or 29th. Very simple and easy to do.

If she’s lost her filter then consider it might be dementia. We didn’t recognise it sooner because of the odd behaviour her whole life but regret not being more patient the Christmas from Hell that we now know was dementia.

I found applying super nanny techniques helped and mostly just trying to stop making her happy. I don’t mean make her unhappy but things like ‘it’s up to you, you can join in with X activity or not’ rather than all the years when we would feel bad if she didn’t join in (wanted me to beg her to). Don’t play into attention seeking and get on with your Christmas regardless of if it causes moaning or not. I know it’s hard though

That's a long stay. I would make my own plans and do some of my own thing. She can't expect to be entertained non-stop by you.

Abbie that's pretty much what happens here. My ironing pile is too high, the dog is moving her ears, the neighbours have gone outside, the cat miaowed so must be starving, the dog sat up so must need out (eleventy billion times a day). The list goes on.

DH invited his Mum to stay and I knew he was going to do that. In previous years she has just announced she's coming but this year she was invited. DH always looks forward to the visits but the reality of them is very different. The DC (all over 12) spend a lot of time hiding upstairs when she's here.

Sending lots of love and wine. My mum is like that, and I feel anxious just thinking about what you are going to deal with. I suggest talking to your husband and just letting him know that it's a bit much for you, and he needs to remember mil is his responsibility, if it gets too much you are going to stay with your family on and off.
Honestly I think you need to be busy, make sure you get out the house at least every other day for a while. Let your husband spend time with his mum. Good luck.

Will you husband be home when mil is visiting?

Does DH have siblings? Can't she do half time with you and the other half with other siblings?

If no siblings, time to build a time machine filled with plenty of Viagra!

Show her this !

Does she interact positively with the DC at all? Sounds like she’s exerting more energy on the DDog x

Get your mum to invite you for Boxing Day
Insist your dh is off work to host.
You have a make or break observation when you go back so you've lots to do
Lesson plan at your mums
Lots of lovely exhausting child friendly days out, which she might stay home for
Dh to cook or get ready meals in, as you're so busy...
Planning is key!!

Op, I feel your pain. One year I ended up sat in my car at a local beauty spot with a book and a flask of coffee because I couldn’t stand it any longer.
The local copper spotted me & insisted on sitting with me for 10 minutes to make sure I wasn’t trying to commit suicide.

Agree with pp, take the dcs cycling or dry slope skiing and leave DH to it. Or check into a TravelLodge to write lesson plans.

The local copper spotted me & insisted on sitting with me for 10 minutes to make sure I wasn’t trying to commit suicide

Sorry to chuckle @seniorschoolmum
That’s very dark but funny

I feel sorry for your poor dog.

It may not help but perhaps sit your husband down and say they are welcome but only if he is there to share the load too? He seems to of realised on the last visit how much hard work she is. We have that as a rule now in our house after too much stress/criticism as I would host 5 day visits (whilst working a stressful job), he went to work all day/ to the gym in evenings to avoid seeing them! (He finds them difficult after 24hrs also), wouldn’t do anything to help their visit, and left it all to me. So we limit ourselves to 2/3 day visits now, it’s his rule, and he is mainly there (unless I offer eg to take them off with the gc on a day trip if I know he has something to do - one off trips are fine :)) - it’s also made his relationship with his parents better as he now phones regularly as I don’t have them to stay for ages each month, he’s there when they are here, and goes to see them more. Good luck, but do limit the time esp if it’s impacting on your kids and your downtime.

Senior I have done similar in the past! Sat in the doctors car park one Sunday afternoon with a book just to escape for a bit.

DH has two brothers who host her on the years she isn't here.

She'll talk to the DC but now they're older she doesn't quite know what to talk about.

MIL doesn't harm our dog in anyway but makes contestant comment and remarks about her. Poor dog doesn't know if she's coming or going by the end of a visit.

I will insist DH takes time off as I'm not dealing with her alone. I'll also make sure to escape at regular intervals so I get a breather.

The funny thing is when we go to her she's fine! Visits are bearable and while she chats nonstop it's not anywhere near as horrendous as when she comes to us.