MIL coming for Christmas. Coping strategies needed.

[BloomsButtons]

My MIL has just told us she's coming for Christmas. She's 80 and lives 3 hours from us.

She and I get on fine in small doses but anything over 3 days and I end up simmering with rage.

Her normal Christmas visits are from the 22nd Dec - 5th Jan and I can't face that this year. 23rd-28th would be manageable.

She's been to see us twice this year (and we've been to her a few times) and each visit was horrendous. She doesn't like our dog and is constantly moaning at her and I mean constantly. Poor dog can't move, sigh or even raise her head without being moaned at. As a result our dog becomes nervous and skittish whenever MIL is here which leads to more moaning and berating.

As she's got older MIL has lost a bit of her filter and is downright rude and pass-remarkable about/to people. She tells me what she thinks needs done around the house and doesn't like it if DH does anything domestic.

I'm in my NQT year and need my holidays, or at least a portion of them to rest and recharge for the next term.

How can I diplomatically approach this with DH? My previous attempt at asking him to try and shorten her visit was met with 'I can't do that, it would be rude and unkind.'

@BloomsButtons - no cat but the rest is all too familiar. DC all adults now but all used to hide upstairs! They all have the option to go out now. DC all feel Christmas only begins when she arrives. Time limit it to 5 days - the 5th day is the day of no return for us ie everything catches up. We had a good luck at the visits and what happened each day and came up with the 5 day plan. Physical problems are exacerbated by Day 5. We're beginning to speak through clenched teeth and nipping at each other. The visit is extremely important to and for her mental well-being and she would be absolutely distraught if she realised how much stress she causes. |It's like the rhyme when it's good - it's very good ...

What would happen if you rang mil and said that you have just heard from dh that he invited you for Christmas, how lovely, but silly him, he didn’t talk to you before doing this and forgot to check dates with you. As it happens you already have lots booked in after Christmas (doesn’t matter that this is being home alone without her ) so she will need to go home on 28th december. If she argues for more you could graciously extend to the 29th if needs be. And point out that you’re sure that she will be much happier as you know how she prefers to be in her own home as she always seems to think that nothing is ever good enough or done the way she likes it...

Not sure if I would tell dh before talking to her - I can see pros and cons in both...

Might go passive agressive and mark her visit on the calendar for the number of days you want her there with MIL GOES HOME writ large on 28th (or when you’d like). Would also point out to dh that it’s really thoughtless of him to invite her for so long without even having the common decency to talk to you beforehand as it will seriously impact your Christmas holiday too and he knows how difficult she can be and he knows that you are doing this course, that it’s pressured, it’s important that you do well so you need to really work hard which it just isn’t possible with mil around and that you can’t believe that he could be as selfish as this and jeopardise your results just to placate his mother when he knows that having her there for extended lengths of time makes everyone - her included - and him included - miserable.

And double yes to MIL bingo - consider making up a card tor —him and— the dc too - plenty of nice treats on it to ease the way (they don’t have to cost money - an extra hour of gaming or a lie in can work wonders for teenagers!).
And it’s definitely been around on MN for more than 2 years - I first came across it when ds1 was born 13 years ago and have recommended it (and other variants!) many times in the interim as well as seeing many others also suggest it as they’ve found it useful - definitely a technique with a long history of working!

Could you offer to take her home and stay for a few extra days? The DC would be eternally grateful...

Better still DH alone take her home?

DH will collect her and take her home as we have a surprised planned for that.

I think limiting the time she's here is the way to go along with wine, bingo, wine, escaping, wine and DH taking time off. Oh, and wine.

“It isn’t rude and unkind. It is realistic. I love your mother, but I can’t have a long visit this year as I need time and energy for my NQT work, which you are meant to be supportive of.”

WTF... this is your DH's mother, not yours. Being looked after chiefly by you, not DH. And when you want to restrict the length of her visit (to a perfectly reasonable/generous amount of time), DH says no... and you just have to suck it up?!

Am I the only one who thinks this is a DH problem?