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Original poster

Do I owe everyone around me an apology ?

61 replies

difficultthingtotell · 28/10/2018 08:16

I have a degree , graduated a few years ago. It was a useless degree that I would have needed to do further study with after to get somewhere . If I had thought about it at the time or been supported in my decisions I would never have done it .

I developed agoraphobia too at the time of the degree , and post traumatic stress disorder . I’ve also got dyspraxia and possibly a mild form of autism . Also got long term physical health problems ...

I’m also a carer to my mother and sister , both have severe disabilities . Dfather also has disabilities but haven’t seen him since I was very small , was abusive hence the ptsd .

After graduating the first time I got a full time job (band 2 in the nhs) and my manager told me I was wasted at that role , in terms of knowledge I was at the same level as the junior doctors and I should pursue that . Helped me find an AHP degree ... uni is 200 miles from home . I would have moved even without the degree , I spent 26 years being a carer and in the same small town I was bullied senslessely and I wanted a new start .

Moved two years ago , studying and thoroughly enjoying myself . DM isnt coping 100% without my support and this has meant her family (brothers , mother, cousins) are having to help her a bit .

I’m not sure if it’s resentment on their part or if they blame me. But I have been told I need a reality check, I should have considered exactly what I was doing , I’m being lazy , this is my second degree etc ... my mum gives me money too (a very small amount) and this is dreadful, that I’d willingly take money offered. I don’t have a part time job as such , but that’s on my support workers advice (uni based) as I’m managing the course really well, I’m on placement all the time , I’m attending twice weekly hospital appointments , where would a job fit in ...

My father told me years ago all problems are down to me and only me , and it’s up to me to fix them all , and now I’m wondering if everyone thinks that . Sister says behind my back they call me all sorts .

I’ve spent all night crying and now wondering if I should be apologising to all involved , as clearly I didn’t think my actions through very well and I’ve been very selfish I suppose, in thinking I could do what I wanted.

The thing is ... the people that I genuinely love (who aren’t relatives) , I know they would be upset at this ..

I’m not sure what to think , eyes are all swollen up from crying and a pounding headache though . If I could have anything in the world it would be twenty four hours somewhere lovely where I knew my mum was well and happy and looked after , my sister was safe , no contact from relatives in question ...

I don’t know if I am handling everything wrong and what to do next , suppose I am just looking for advice on whether I should just drop out and apologise to everyone , or keep going despite what’s been said ?

OP posts:
doodlejump1980 · 28/10/2018 08:20

Seriously? It’s not you. It’s them. I think it’s brilliant you’re persuing your career and study with all the struggles you’ve had.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 28/10/2018 08:20

Keep going. You're not being selfish, they are. Lots of luck.

Slappinthebass · 28/10/2018 08:21

You have done absolutely nothing to apologise for. Your role in life isn't to support your sister and mother. Your other family is resenting their role and taking it out on you. You've done more than your fair share. Is there any professional help available that isn't being accessed for your family maybe?

BrickByBrick · 28/10/2018 08:23

I am sorry your family are putting you through this. Do not drop out. You have not been selfish at all, they are annoyed because you are no longer there for them to abdicate responsibility to.

Do not apologise, keep going on your course, and I'm so sorry your family are putting you through this.

VimFuego101 · 28/10/2018 08:24

It sounds like your family members just don't want to pull their weight and you moving has forced their hand. I think the distance you've put between you all by moving is a good thing - they sound very toxic.

7yo7yo · 28/10/2018 08:28

It’s not you it’s them.
Cut contact.
Bunch of fuckers.

7yo7yo · 28/10/2018 08:31

And well done for getting out.
Sounds like you have “survivors guilt”.
And tell your dad he was abusive and a shit parent then block and never look back.
Call him by his name if you ever come across him.
Tell him he’s only a sperm donor.
People like this can’t stand to have their own deeds thrown in their faces.

This has infuriated me. A friend I know had similar issues and is still riddled with guilt.
However with counselling and the love and support of her partner and friends she will come out of the other side.

beanaseireann · 28/10/2018 08:31

Life is not a dress rehearsal - you get one chance at it.
You have been a carer for 26 years Shock
You are amazing.
Now is your time.
F*ck the begrudgers.

Kirbs1979 · 28/10/2018 08:33

No you do not owe them an apology. They are only calling you selfish because they now have to help because you aren't doing it, they are actually the ones being selfish.

user450788 · 28/10/2018 08:36

Allegations of selfishness from a bunch of people who took advantage of you for years? Treat that with the derision it deserves. Call the friends that support you.

Caprisunorange · 28/10/2018 08:37

Well if siblings aunts uncles etc are doing all the care and you’ve moved off without contributing then yes, you can see where their resentment comes from. But it’s not your responsibility to meet a whole load of their needs for life (neither is it theirs to help you meet yours btw) so it’s just a difficult situation with no real solution.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/10/2018 08:37

Please keep going Op Flowers you've achieved so much and you should be very proud given all you've had to overcome. You cannot live your life according to the wants, needs or whims of the various people who are dictating what would work for them. They don't sound slightly bothered about your best interests!

You said yourself you spent 26 years being a career and no doubt in the future you will help and support where you can but please don't throw away all you've achieved to satisfy the expectations of people who seemingly couldn't care less about you and your needs.

You don't owe anyone an apology for making a life for yourself. Being born into a family with disabilities doesn't mean you are obliged to live your life for everyone else, you matter too.

Alevel · 28/10/2018 08:37

You absolutely do not apologise to anyone. You are doing the right thing. So many people never meet their full potential and here you are working your butt off to get there. Stand tall you are amazing!

Bastardingcough · 28/10/2018 08:39

You are so strong. You might not feel it right now, but you are.
Life has dealt you a shitty hand of cards, but you've got so far! I don't know you but am proud of you!
Please don't listen to the sniping and back biting - you have to live your life. You've already given up so much for your family, take this time to be you and make a success of your career.

LittleCandle · 28/10/2018 08:41

When you're brought up to think that it is up to you to keep everyone happy, it is difficult to walk away from that, as you are now finding. However, this is your life. You have done more than your share and now it is your turn. Keep going in your course - someone who is outside your family has judged you objectively and seen a lot of positive attributes in you. Take pride in that and keep going. Cut back your contact with your negative relatives. They are annoyed that they now have to step in and do what they thought was 'you' job. It is sheer meanness on their behalf. You should be very proud of what you are achieving.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/10/2018 08:50

Please keep going. You are doing so well, your family should be proud of you. Live your life x

diddl · 28/10/2018 08:51

Carry on with what you're doing.

If your mum can give you money then why shouldn't she?

There doesn't have to be anything in return.

Depending on how much & what help your GM & uncles are giving to your mum-well if they all find it too much, why do they think that you alone should be doing it??!!

Also, if it's that much-is there no help that she is entitled to?

Seniorschoolmum · 28/10/2018 08:57

Keep going OP, and well done for getting this far.
Ignore all the selfish comments from your mother’s family. You are entitled to a life of your own and you’ve definitely done your fair share (and more).
As for your mum giving you a little money to help you study, that is not rare, your mum clearly wants the best for you, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.Flowers

nonevernotever · 28/10/2018 09:00

Listen to the people on this thread and the non relatives that you love - that is the voice of reason. You should be really proud of how well you are doing . And after 26 years as a carer you should have no qualms at all about putting yourself first for a change!

Juells · 28/10/2018 09:02

If your mum is giving you money it's because she wants you to be able to reclaim your life.

buckeejit · 28/10/2018 09:06

Keep on keeping on. Guilt will get you nowhere. Think what you want in 5 years time & work towards that. Good luck

Bunbunbunny · 28/10/2018 09:06

Keep going! Life is short and you need to grab it with both hands, you’ve got an amazing opportunity. Block them you don’t need to head their crap

Di11y · 28/10/2018 09:06

hold on, you feel guilty because your family she caring for your mum and they think you should be doing it? it's not your responsibility, carry on as you are x

PearsOfWisdom · 28/10/2018 09:07

Don not quit, you are entitled to live your own life.

Your father and your mothers family need to step up now, you have done more than your fair share.

Reduce contact with your family. See more of your positive and supportive friends and colleagues .

Please make an appointment on Monday with your tutor and tell her what you posted here.

Also make an appointment with the student counselling service . Please do this now as there might be a waiting list.

InkyGrail · 28/10/2018 09:08

You have done nothing wrong. These members of your family are trying to drag you back to a situation that suits them, not you.

You can't live your whole life sacrificing your own needs to keep other people happy. You've done so well under so much pressure, please keep going on your course. You deserve to live your own life, in your own right, without the guilt of selfish members of your family trying to drag you down.

They are the selfish ones, not you. Flowers