Do I owe everyone around me an apology ?

[difficultthingtotell]

I have a degree , graduated a few years ago. It was a useless degree that I would have needed to do further study with after to get somewhere . If I had thought about it at the time or been supported in my decisions I would never have done it .

I developed agoraphobia too at the time of the degree , and post traumatic stress disorder . I’ve also got dyspraxia and possibly a mild form of autism . Also got long term physical health problems ...

I’m also a carer to my mother and sister , both have severe disabilities . Dfather also has disabilities but haven’t seen him since I was very small , was abusive hence the ptsd .

After graduating the first time I got a full time job (band 2 in the nhs) and my manager told me I was wasted at that role , in terms of knowledge I was at the same level as the junior doctors and I should pursue that . Helped me find an AHP degree ... uni is 200 miles from home . I would have moved even without the degree , I spent 26 years being a carer and in the same small town I was bullied senslessely and I wanted a new start .

Moved two years ago , studying and thoroughly enjoying myself . DM isnt coping 100% without my support and this has meant her family (brothers , mother, cousins) are having to help her a bit .

I’m not sure if it’s resentment on their part or if they blame me. But I have been told I need a reality check, I should have considered exactly what I was doing , I’m being lazy , this is my second degree etc ... my mum gives me money too (a very small amount) and this is dreadful, that I’d willingly take money offered. I don’t have a part time job as such , but that’s on my support workers advice (uni based) as I’m managing the course really well, I’m on placement all the time , I’m attending twice weekly hospital appointments , where would a job fit in ...

My father told me years ago all problems are down to me and only me , and it’s up to me to fix them all , and now I’m wondering if everyone thinks that . Sister says behind my back they call me all sorts .

I’ve spent all night crying and now wondering if I should be apologising to all involved , as clearly I didn’t think my actions through very well and I’ve been very selfish I suppose, in thinking I could do what I wanted.

The thing is ... the people that I genuinely love (who aren’t relatives) , I know they would be upset at this ..

I’m not sure what to think , eyes are all swollen up from crying and a pounding headache though . If I could have anything in the world it would be twenty four hours somewhere lovely where I knew my mum was well and happy and looked after , my sister was safe , no contact from relatives in question ...

I don’t know if I am handling everything wrong and what to do next , suppose I am just looking for advice on whether I should just drop out and apologise to everyone , or keep going despite what’s been said ?

It’s so hard. I’ve got low self esteem anyway and the last thing I needed to hear was all that last night .

I’m on the bus home now , got a connection at 11:15 and get back to my flat for 2am. Unfortunately I’m very agitated (as you would be) and can’t settle at all . Be relieved once I’m in my own bed in a few hours!!

I will read this properly once on the next bus and try to reply , I’m physically drained/exhausted . Have a big bar of chocolate for the journey and have 45 minutes to pass between connections (or so), might nip to Sainsbury’s to pass the time and get some goodies . Not that I need it , I’m already fat enough but couldn’t care less at this time of night .

Thank you all so so so much though . What I have read has made me cry again but in a good way this time thankfully !!

OP. You have achieved soooo much.
Keep going.
As I posted earlier, you only get one chance at your life ( unless you believe in reincarnation) so do it your way. You've already given so much to your Mum and sibling. It's your time now. Let the others step up to the plate.

Your mother's family want you in the Carer's box because if you are there then they don't have to step in. Social services probably feel the same way - they won't want to organise and pay for care for your mother and sister if they can get someone in the family to do it. That makes you simply the easiest option for everyone else - not the best option for either your mother and sister nor you.

You sound like a right trooper OP! Well done! I'd be very very proud if I had a daughter like you.

You keep working hard! You don't owe anyone an apology, if anything your family should be apologising to you!

You keep working on your future, it's looking bright 😉

So because they’re having to step up to help out, they’re calling you selfish? Well, they can fuck off, OP, you go and get qualified and do a brilliant job of it!

I’m not managing the anxiety side of things at all now, having constnat panic attacks :-(

And self harming a lot . Don’t know who to tell .

Please phone your student counselling service now and get an appointment .

Have you spoken to your tutor ?

And I think you also need to see your GP ( the one you are registered with at college). Please phone them today .

There are lots of support services at your college but you need to get in touch with then and ask for help.

Do you have classes today ? If not could you go out to the library and study with some of your classmates ? Do you feel able to do that ?

I think that staying in alone is making you very stressed.

Get help... as soon as you can. You have broken out of the cycle and you need support to make the most of this opportunity. Speak to your supervisor, your GP.

You have been a carer for 26 years, you can support your family in a mutually supportive family structure, you cannot do this if they are not supportive of you.

Op how are you doing today? Have you been able to talk to anyone? Do come back here to talk if you need to