Do I owe everyone around me an apology ?

[difficultthingtotell]

I have a degree , graduated a few years ago. It was a useless degree that I would have needed to do further study with after to get somewhere . If I had thought about it at the time or been supported in my decisions I would never have done it .

I developed agoraphobia too at the time of the degree , and post traumatic stress disorder . I’ve also got dyspraxia and possibly a mild form of autism . Also got long term physical health problems ...

I’m also a carer to my mother and sister , both have severe disabilities . Dfather also has disabilities but haven’t seen him since I was very small , was abusive hence the ptsd .

After graduating the first time I got a full time job (band 2 in the nhs) and my manager told me I was wasted at that role , in terms of knowledge I was at the same level as the junior doctors and I should pursue that . Helped me find an AHP degree ... uni is 200 miles from home . I would have moved even without the degree , I spent 26 years being a carer and in the same small town I was bullied senslessely and I wanted a new start .

Moved two years ago , studying and thoroughly enjoying myself . DM isnt coping 100% without my support and this has meant her family (brothers , mother, cousins) are having to help her a bit .

I’m not sure if it’s resentment on their part or if they blame me. But I have been told I need a reality check, I should have considered exactly what I was doing , I’m being lazy , this is my second degree etc ... my mum gives me money too (a very small amount) and this is dreadful, that I’d willingly take money offered. I don’t have a part time job as such , but that’s on my support workers advice (uni based) as I’m managing the course really well, I’m on placement all the time , I’m attending twice weekly hospital appointments , where would a job fit in ...

My father told me years ago all problems are down to me and only me , and it’s up to me to fix them all , and now I’m wondering if everyone thinks that . Sister says behind my back they call me all sorts .

I’ve spent all night crying and now wondering if I should be apologising to all involved , as clearly I didn’t think my actions through very well and I’ve been very selfish I suppose, in thinking I could do what I wanted.

The thing is ... the people that I genuinely love (who aren’t relatives) , I know they would be upset at this ..

I’m not sure what to think , eyes are all swollen up from crying and a pounding headache though . If I could have anything in the world it would be twenty four hours somewhere lovely where I knew my mum was well and happy and looked after , my sister was safe , no contact from relatives in question ...

I don’t know if I am handling everything wrong and what to do next , suppose I am just looking for advice on whether I should just drop out and apologise to everyone , or keep going despite what’s been said ?

This really made me laugh because it is the opposite of what good therapy is. But I do think it is useful - I mean, you KNOW you aren’t being unreasonable, you’re a smart person.

Just tell yourself ‘stop it’ when you sink in the guilt and keep going. You’ve done such a great job of getting away from this toxicity so far - you can’t stop now.

If you maintain the status quo with your dysfunctional family all you will succeed in doing is to reinforce their behavioural problems meaning that the situation will become worse.

If you face up to the issue and move away lessening the ties they will have to re evaluate their relationship to you or not as the case may be.

Without them in your life you can choose you own network of friends and hopefully learn to live again in relative peace and contentment.

In my experience control issues are common.

I'm full of admiration for everything you've achieved, OP. Well done. You weren't put on this earth just to look after other people, and sacrifice your own hopes and dreams.
You've got your own life to live so just get on with it and don't look back.

It's a shame about your mother and sister. Is there nothing they are entitled to in the way of paid carers?

You are pursuing a career that will help support both you and them.

Not that it’s any of their business, but just repeat that if asked.

Sound like you are building a wonderful future for yourself OP. Keep going, you're doing so well.

Do NOT be held back!!

Tell them to get to the far side of f** and keep going, disgraceful behaviour 😡

They will still say nasty things about you if you give up and go back. It's who they are. You are doing so well, live your life.

Keep at your second degree - you have every right to live your life as you wish. You seem to have given a lot of support to your family in the past but they shouldn't emotionally blackmail you into returning. I suspect that are put out now more work is falling to them. Please continue your studies - you have to think of your future, your career and your own happiness.

So you’ve had major caring responsibilities all your life. It’s particularly important for your mental health and future that you do something that furthers your career. Your needs matter. Talk to your friends.

You being the main carer have your family an easy life. They could all get on with their own things but now they have to take some responsibility and share the load. That is life.

You are not a sacrificial lamb. Your life shouldn’t be sacrificed so that everyone else can party on

I’m just reiterating what everyone else has said. They are on at you because they’ve had to step up. They would prefer not to in exchange for you sacrificing your degree, your future, your happiness.

And get to get that happy 24 hours you don’t open messages and you don’t answer the phone and focus on what you want. It will be liberating.

After 26 yrs you have done your share - I bet there wasn't masses of support around or offered when you were at home so I suspect there is alot of selfishness on their part going on in terms of them having to put themselves out now to sort the situation you have dealt with for them for 26yrs

You've done nothing wrong. It really is them not you. It's so amazing you've gone back to university. Well done 😊 Are you having any counselling at all?

My abusive mother also told me my PTSD was my fault. Her ignorance or lack of self-insight is her problem, not mine. I'd suggest that's the same with your "D"F.

Good that you're 200 miles away. Keep it that way. Minimise your time at home over Christmas too - you've got lots of study to be doing, so I imagine you won't be able to be home for more than 2-3 days max.

You've done and are doing amazingly. Don't buy their bullshit. Do WHATEVER it takes to keep yourself exactly how you're feeling generally (happy studying etc).

And remember this feeling you have now, the crying, the guilt etc: people who have your best interests at heart would NEVER make or want you to feel like that. And you don't need or have to accept situations or people who make you feel like that.

It is not your responsiblity to look after your mum or sister. If anything it’s your mums and dads responsibility especially if they knew the disabilities could be genetic. They made the decision to have children knowing the might need lifetime care.

They cannot expect you to look after all of them and have no life. If I’m honest it sounds like you’re still being abused.

You are doing amazingly, and I would suggest you stay as far away as possible, continue with your studies and making a life for yourself.

Didn't answer directly: nothing whatsoever to apologise for!

What you are doing is truly impressive- please stick with the course and get additional help from support services if you need it.

Don't feel guilty- you need to develop because you are just as important as any other person- your mum, your sister, they are not more important than you.

Of course it would be easier for some if you gave up your life and went home and cared for your family- but that would be the wrong thing to do financially, emotionally and for your own development. It's wrong of these people to run you down like that and make you feel bad.

If you were one of my children I’d be proud. Surely that’s what every mum wants for her children: to live their life as well as they can. You say your mum gives you money. That means she’s supporting you and your decision. She wants this for you. Ok, she needs support, but she doesn’t need this all to be from you. Don’t let everyone else put it on you.

If your mum is giving you money she must care about you and want you to succeed. Your family sound awful and all I would do is look into whether your mum and sister are entitled to any more support from other people (such as paid carers) than your nasty family.

Bloody hell they’ve done a right number on you haven’t they

It seems from what you've said that your mum supports your decision. If that is correct then that is all that matters. A child does not have to be seen its life to care for an adult. You are doing great x

use its life not be seen

Congratulations on doing your course . Being a good dc doesn’t mean doing everything that is asked/demanded of you. It’s tough being a carer and you have done well doing it for so long with little support - but it certainly doesn’t mean that a carer is what you should always be. You need to have this time to explore your own potential and focus on your own life for a while. It’s what a functional family would be encouraging you to do. Try not to listen to the second hand comments from your relatives or at least put them in the context of people peeved to finally be required to step up and help. It reflects on them not on you. You already know what those who really care for your interests would say (those none relatives you mention). So, follow the instinct which is telling you to listen to those voices of support. Life is sometimes complex and we can’t be everything that others want us to be. It’s ok to acknowledge that to yourself without feeling the guilt or the responsibility to fix everything. Some things are simply too big for one person to fix, it takes a team. You don’t owe your relatives an apology but you do owe it to yourself to be proud of how well you have done and are doing in a really difficult situation.

You're not being selfish, THEY are.

They want you to do nothing, be nothing, go nowhere ... so you'll stick around and care for your mother and sister so they don't have to. They are not your responsibility. In fact, I would say it's the other way around: your mother knows where you are right now is her responsibility and she's trying to make it right by helping you pursue your own dreams and life.

You are entitled to a life of your own. You are. Don't be bullied into giving it up. Pursue your new dream and go out there and get the life you want. Cut your father and other abusive people out of your life. Live your life on your terms.

I also think some counselling, as suggested above, would help you. You need to see that you deserve nice things and a life of your own.
Good luck, OP.

Well done. Live your life for you.