Talk to me about having 2 boys - and no girls

[secretuser]

Disclaimer: I know this is ridiculous and I'm very lucky to be pregnant with a healthy baby, so please no flaming. I just want to deal with these feelings so they don't escalate.

Expecting DC2, already have a DS and they will be less than 2 years apart. If I'm honest I think I wanted a girl first time, but I absolutely adore my DS to bits, he is gorgeous and good natured and so funny to be around.

I was convinced this one was a girl, my pregnancy has been completely different and skull/nub theory suggested girl (I know this is limited in accuracy). Private gender scan at 16+4 showed the baby was very much a boy. I admit I was a little disappointed but having said that I wasn't as disappointed as I thought I'd be because DS is so sweet and another one of him would be lovely!

I think it will be lovely for DS to have a brother so close in age. I wonder whether it's society making us think we must have one of each. Will I get over never having a daughter? This will be my last DC, so there won't be another chance of having a girl.

I wondered if anyone could share their similar stories and how great it will be to have 2 boys close in age?

Oh no. I am unnatural.

I have had numerous looks and comments about not having girls and how people don't envy me

This is the worst thing about having all boys imho. People acting like my family is something to pity me for, especially if they have a girl/girls and go on about how they couldn't cope with boys bla bla (in a way that's both smug and sympathetic), like they got first prize or tried harder or something.

Yes @EthelHallowsBroomstick to other your posts. I don't like the smugness sometimes, it's great that finally girls are seen as a prize, but boys are often classed as naughty, dirty etc. I think it is lessening for both boys and girls when so many things from dinosaurs to fairies to being good at reading are gendered.

Sparkling: Oh no. I am unnatural.
It is equally 'natural' not to feel a sense of sadness. There is nothing wrong with being unique.

Stuckforthefourthtime I agree it's good girls aren't seen as second class/a consolation prize*, especially given all the disadvantages women face as adults, but like you I think it's bad for everyone when gender stereotypes are enforced, whether that's through toys, or stereotypes that boys are loud, messy, fight all the time etc..

• I realise they are in other countries, before someone points that out!

Yay for unique. I'll take that.

I have one of each. also heard all the baloney about boys and dinosaurs, cars etc.

My DS is gentle, laid back, sensitive, a drama queen who loves musicals, dancing, keeping a diary, hates rough and tumble and Football. DD, on the other hand, is bundle of energy, bonkerness and is much more boisterous and loud than DS is.

My point being that they are both individuals, they do not have boy and girl brains or characteristics....and I adore them both, as i would if I’d had two boys.

I have two lovely boys, 4.5 years apart. They have a great relationship, despite the age difference.
My youngest is so different from my eldest. He wants loads more cuddles and kisses, which has helped my eldest to be more demostrative.
I felt a bit like you when I found I wasn’t going to have a girl. I never think about it now. I think what made me feel like that at the time is the fact that other people assume you will be disappointed when you tell them. That’s how it was with me anyway.

Oh no. I am unnatural

Me too.

I have two of the same sex, and tbh their sex is completely irrelevant. The eldest is incredibly active, was a nightmare toddler, is quiet, introverted, demanding. Youngest is social, always has friends round, like to sit and watch tv, likes cuddles.

Like @lots33 said they don’t have pink or blue brains. Stick them in trousers and a hoodie and people assume they’re boys. Stick a hairclip in and they’re girls.

I could have had two the opposite sex, or i could have had one of each. But i’d still have had the same children, with the same likes and dislikes.

I haven’t “missed out” on the opposite sex at all. Dh and i both have equal relationships and spend equal time with them, we don’t divide according to genitals. We all go shopping, we all go watch sport.

I did not get on with my mum at all. Part of it was i think she expected me to be like her, same personality, same likes, to be ladylike. I resented it from the start and we spend very little time together now as she still wants me to put make up on to go shopping, and spend way too much time looking at furniture.

You're all so kind to reply, I really wondered about posting here because I didn't want to be flamed or offend anyone trying to conceive, experiencing loss etc. You've all made me feel a lot better though, so thank you.

I completely agree with the poster who mentioned feeling guilty that DS would t have a same-sex sibling if this one was a girl. Whatever you get you can't win can you! It will be so nice for them to have a brother so close in age and hopefully they will get on ok and enjoy some of the same things.

Several people have mentioned public perception assuming you want one of each, or even that boys are the consolation prize and that everyone wants a girl. It's sad isn't it, I love my boy with all my heart and I'm sure I'll love this one too, you're right that I'm grieving the daughter I never had rather than being disappointed that this ones a boy.

I wonder why boys are seen in this way, two of my close friends had babies the same time as I did, they both had girls and my boy is by far the most easy going and laid back.

A poster mentioned these threads only being about boys - I wonder if that's is because these threads are generally started by women who long for the mother-daughter relationship? I know the saying is daddy's girl, but my DH is delighted to have two mates to talk sport with, I don't think he'll mourn the daughter we never had in the same way I will.

Oh no. I am unnatural

Me as well. I've three boys and never particularly wanted a girl.

I have two boys, now teens. It’s lovely. They play and bicker and share things and have similar interests etc.

I’m not bothered about not having a girl either.

I have two boys, 4 years apart, grown up now, late 20s and early 30s, they didn't fight that much, certainly not as much my brother and I did, who were 2 years apart. I did want a daughter but I do have a granddaughter, next best thing. Once I realised that I wasn't going to have a daughter, I drew a line under that and vowed I wouldn't hanker after something that wasn't to be. I feel sorry for people who carry on craving for the elusive desired child of a certain sex and don't value what they have. There seemed to be a preference for girls when my boys were growing up and I got sick of some of the negative comments about boys it put my back up, so much so in their early years I got sick of toe pointing, frilly, flouncy skirted girls who seemed to be at most of the play groups we went to, some telling my children what they could and couldn't do. That was then though, it's not how I feel now, an over reaction possibly to some of the barbed comments about young male children. I often think the desire for daughters with some women is so they can dress them up, that doesn't last though, the daughter/s become/s their own person and choose what they want to wear.

When my children were young they never stopped "exploding" and making a lot of noise when they were engrossed in a game and liked all the typical masculine toys. My older son particularly fulfilled the masculine stereotype and couldn't still for long, fidgeted a lot and needed to expend a lot of energy, football, roller blades more so than my younger one who became as he got older, and still is far more cerebral. I did enjoy the dinosaur phase and I remember quite a few trips to The Natural History Museum, Jurassic Park films. I also really enjoyed seeing how mesmerised they were by the first Pixar film, "Toy Story".

In retrospect my sons both think their formative years in education suffered from being overly feminised and some of their female teachers, but by no means all, favoured teaching their female peers and frankly they made that quite obvious. My children bemoaned the lack of male teachers and appreciated further education and university where male lecturers were more prolific than their teaching counterparts in school.

Boys can become awkward and mono- syllabic once they hit the dreaded teen years. The skateboarding "Nivarna/Slipknot" t shirt phase went on for what seemed quite a while, they both went through that. After which there was a rediscovery of soap and water and a lot of intricate gelling and carefully arranging the hair. On a plus side, and other friends who have boys said the same, ours didn't make nasty derogatory remarks about their mothers' personal appearance, quite the opposite in fact I got quite a few "you like nice mum" comments, but maybe they just wanted something The mothers I know with daughters tell me that girls can be quite critical of their mothers' appearance at that age, although as with everything I'm sure that could be a generalisation.

Eventually most mothers will cease to be the most important woman in her son's life, but that's to be expected and of course I'm happy that mine are happy with their respective partners, it's hard when they are with the wrong one and of course you have to be there to pick up the pieces. Patriarchal grandparents are often behind the matriarchal side, best to just accept and not to become too hung up about it.

I have 4 boys, and tbh I wanted all boys but would have been fine with girls

There are 2 years between ds1 and ds2,
4 years between ds2 and ds3 and
3.5 years between ds3 and ds4.

They are all alike but so different at the same time!

I'm sure it would have been different if there was a mix of boys and girls, but we would have just adapted how we dealt with them as they grew up, but that's what we did with the boys anyway. They are all individual and they need treated differently in different circumstances sometimes, one size doesn't fit all even with all the same sex.

I wouldn't be without my boys, whether they are behaving or not, whether they are liking or hating each other, whether they are talking to each other or not. (We have managed to only have one physical fight over the last nearly 18 years, so doing ok, I think.)

Whether your children will be like chalk and cheese, two peas in a pod, or somewhere in between I am sure you will do a good job with them. You seem a thoughtful, nice person from your posts. (But just remember not to overthink things, it can make things harder, trust me!)

A poster mentioned these threads only being about boys - I wonder if that's is because these threads are generally started by women who long for the mother-daughter relationship? I know the saying is daddy's girl, but my DH is delighted to have two mates to talk sport with, I don't think he'll mourn the daughter we never had in the same way I will

What is this mythical mother/daughter thing anyway. As far as i can see it appears to be a desire to have a mini-me, a child that likes the same things as a mother does, to bond with over shopping, nails and beauty. A child to dress up and have everyone comment on her beauty.

It’s the same with father-son. A child to play foorball with, take to the pub, talk about cars.

Which becomes a problem when the child’s personality means they aren’t keen on these things. Some go along with it to keep parents happy.

That’s what my mum wanted. A child to reflect on her, a pretty little stereotypical girl to share stereotypical hobbies with. That is not what she got. She got a child that wouldn’t be defined by her sex, that enjoyed stem subjects and taking things apart, climbing trees, sport and lives in jeans.

Dh and i made sure we have parent-child relationships. We divide but don’t exclude according to what we like, not whether we have matching genitals. Dh takes them to music concerts, art galleries and out shopping, i take them to sporting events and help with science homework. I have discovered a love of art through the oldest, dh likes the social side of sporting events. We have all discovered the amazingness of male ballet dancers.

I don’t think there is anything you can do with a girl you can’t do with a boy. Parent what your child enjoys, not what his genitals say he should enjoy.

I felt exactly the same. My boys are 2 years apart. I was gutted to find out DC2 was a boy.

They are 5 and 3 now. Honestly couldn't be happier with 2 boys. They're great. I think you're probably guilty of doing what I did and assuming your boys will be stereotypical boys but gender is a social construct. There is so much more to them. My boys are complex, funny, individuals and describing them just as boys does them a huge disservice. They're so much more than that.

It's natural to focus on the gender when that's the only thing you know about DC2 and your DC1 is still so young. But once they're proper people you'll feel a lot different.

Logically I agree with everything really says, but I did get a period of weird sadness about not having a girl after having the scan for DS2.

It really didn't last very long, but it wasn't really that logical a feeling

We all know that either a son/daughter could have any number of interests be close or not close as an adult etc.

Maybe it's some innate urge to make a human in our image, who knows.

Same story than you but about 14 years ago.

I actually think it was good that they are two boys. They certainly are happy about it, saying that it has allowed them to be closer than if they had been a boy and a girl (shared interest etc...).

The idea that I won’t be able to have the same sortnif relationship with my ds or with his dcs (If he has any) sometimes crosses my mind. Usually only after reading MN. Because I can’t say this is smeth8ng I’ve experienced in reality. (Looking at friends, family etc...)

I have two boys 19 months apart. Never wanted girls, so was very pleased!
It was really hard at the beginning but that would have been the same with girls I think.

My two are total opposites, one couch potato, one sporty. They get on better now they don't live together all the time! 😉

Just wanted to say despite my feelings of disappointment too, I don't agree that the paternal in laws are always second best to the maternal ones. In my case yes, absolutely, because as mentioned MIL is a pain at best, and FIL is a very strange human being. Both my parents are fantastic.

However I know so many individuals where this isn't the case at all. Several where the couple and child live nearer to the paternal grandparents. Several where it's split equally eg Christmas etc. Several where to this day (tends to be where no children are involved!) the male partner will go home to his own parents' to spend Christmas.

I actually can't think of one example, other than my own, where the maternal in laws come first. And my PILs don't even think mine come first, we just know we prefer them  my MIL sees DS a very similar amount to my own DM, and she actually babysits more as we know she loves it and doesn't tend to do much else whereas my DM is always out and about. We've had the odd weekend away with my DPs whereas we haven't with PIL, but that's because my DPs invite/organise (and frankly, pay) whereas PIL have never asked.

And yes against stereotypes, my DS loves cars etc but isn't boisterous/rough, is very cautious physically, loves to sit and read books, cuddle and play pretend. Society tells us boys are rough etc, but personality is different.

I have boys, utterly adore the (hyperactive) bones of them. Never really wanted a girl, if I was to have more I’d love more boys.

My oldest is the most interesting person I know and my youngest is the most affectionally cheeky one. I’ll sit in the car and feel his little fingers reach out and stroke my hair as he loves the softness.

I have 2 boys 7&9, 22 months apart. I love them to bits and they love each other. They are so cuddly and very much mummies boys. I wouldn’t swap them for anything!

My oldest is the most interesting person I know and my youngest is the most affectionally cheeky one. I’ll sit in the car and feel his little fingers reach out and stroke my hair as he loves the softness

That’s because it’s who they are though. Their willies/y chromosomes don’t bestow those traits.

You could describe two girls exactly the same way.

My friends oldest is the most hyperactive child i know. Her youngest is clingy and affectionate. There is absolutely no way to deduce sex from a description of personality traits.