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Original poster

Am I being unfair with this money?

76 replies

BigMamaFratelli · 20/10/2018 20:19

My godfather was a huge part of my life growing up. But his alzheimers probably started not long after dp and I got together so dp has never really known the real him.

Sadly my godfather died recently, and left a sizeable chunk of his estate to my mum. My mum has decided to gift me 20k of this. I was left jewellery, but no cash. Am I wrong to view this money as mine rather than family money?

So as not to drip feed dp's parents died before we met and although the money he inherited from them was part of the deposit for our house it's protected by a deed of trust, which I'm more than happy about. It's also a lot more than my inheritance from godfather (via my mum).

But dp keeps making plans for what we'll do with the money and I just feel unreasonable for wanting to say it's mine and my decision. What do you think?

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 20/10/2018 20:21

Could you not put it into the mortgage with the same caveat as his deposit?

Bobbiepin · 20/10/2018 20:21

I think it depends on what you plan to do with the money. Take you both away on holiday? YANBU
Put it towards paying off the mortgage and protect in the same way? YANBU
Go on a mega shopping spree, and only spend money on yourself YABU.

huggybear · 20/10/2018 20:22

How long have you been together?

TulipsInBloom1 · 20/10/2018 20:22

Pay off some of the mortgage and ring fence it for you.

PositivelyPERF · 20/10/2018 20:22

I think your partner is a cheeky fucker. He protects his inheritance, which I agree with, but us making plans to spend yours. Not on your fucking nelly. Do you need it for anything or could you invest it for yourself? If he wants half, then he needs to make sure you are entitled to the same amount from his deed of trust. Ask him if he is going to make sure you get a ten thousand pound share from his house.

MrsPerfect12 · 20/10/2018 20:23

Either get something drawn up stating that you get that back from equity in the house in the event of a split or keep it to yourself.
Not been in the situation myself but I’d have it as family money but only if my hubby wasn’t willing to view his money in the same way! Which in your situ his is his so in fairness yours is yours! X

AdaColeman · 20/10/2018 20:25

What type of things are you thinking of spending the money on?
What does your partner want to spend it on?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 20/10/2018 20:25

It's definitely yours. DP is not your husband, and he has his own inheritance protected. What's sauce for the goose...

He is being massively presumptuous - you are eitther a unit who share assets equally or you are not.
Why is it that what's his is his and what's yours is also his?

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 20/10/2018 20:25

I agree with his decision to protect his money that is absolutely ok. However this also loses him the right to see your own inheritance as family money. It is your right to protect that in the same way.

SymphonyofShadows · 20/10/2018 20:26

If his inheritance isn't family money then neither is yours. Do what you like with it.

BoomTish · 20/10/2018 20:26

If you’re not married, I wouldn’t be treating any money as joint money.

rosablue · 20/10/2018 21:03

Sounds like he is working on the basis of what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.

I would start by telling him that you think you want to use the £20k to put towards paying off the mortgage so can you have a copy of the deed of trust he used to protect his inheritance from his parents,so you can use it to draw up an identical one to protect your £20k in the same way...

Doesn’t matter if you want to do that or not- but telling him that you do and his reaction to that will tell you a lot about how he sees the money... and thus make it easier for you to decide what to do with it, if that makes sense.

Angrybird345 · 20/10/2018 21:38

Protect it, just like your dp has.

Stormwhale · 20/10/2018 21:40

What does he say when you ask him why he thinks his inheritance is his, but yours is to share?

Santaclarita · 20/10/2018 21:43

Ask him if he's willing to share his inheritance too and put it in writing. If no, keep yours for yourself too.

Jack65 · 20/10/2018 21:45

Look after the money by investing in an isa. That way you are protecting your future, and if he wants to spend, let him use his own money, not yours, as clearly he has more to spare.

Jack65 · 20/10/2018 21:46

In other words just say "no, I'm saving it, like you have yours".

Petalflowers · 20/10/2018 21:47

Can you use some as family money (a holiday?) and ringfence the rest?

Daisymay2 · 20/10/2018 21:56

I agree with pp. You need to either invest it for yourself- or pay off the mortgage in a lump sum if you can, with the same protection of your money as he has. If you pay off the mortgage make sure the same protection is in place the day you do it!!
I think he is a bit out of order TBH- he is being a bit "what's mines mine and what's yours is mine."

theworldistoosmall · 20/10/2018 22:07

You aren't being unfair at all.
It's not family money just in the same way that when he protected his inheritance it wasn't family money.

What is he spending this money on?

And knowing there is a possibility of a future inheritance coming from your mum and other family members, I would be wary if he suddenly proposes. Which I would actually decline.

mummyhaschangedhername · 20/10/2018 22:14

Honestly have you pointed out the fact he has his inheritance protected from you in a trusted deed?

What do you want to do with the money?

HellenaHandbasket · 20/10/2018 22:23

I can see both sides, as in, I can see why he would assume you would do something together. Presumably his inheritance was pre you, and you bought together earlier on in the relationship. Whereas this has come now, while you are ensconced etc.

That said, you're not unreasonable to feel as you do. As such, I would just point out that this is yours, and you'll decide what to spend it on. And if it goes on anything that increases value to the home etc (extension or whatever) that you want that recognised in the ownership.

movinggoalposts · 20/10/2018 22:37

How about offering to pay some of his deposit back so he has some money to do what he wants with and then you have the rest to do what you want with, on the proviso that it is ringfenced if you choose to put any into the mortgage and the paperwork reflecting his share of the house is also amended.

His deposit will have saved you a lot of interest over the years so it’d be good if you could put a bit in and save yourselves even more.

Notcontent · 20/10/2018 22:49

Yes, you should protect your inheritance in the circumstances.

What’s the deal with the house you are living in? What happens to the house if you separate?

Original poster
BigMamaFratelli · 20/10/2018 22:55

Thank you, some interesting replies and good to know most don't think I'm beginning being a selfish cow.

To answer a few questions, we've been together 16 years. We're engaged but no immediate plans to marry, two primary age kids. I don't plan to pay off anything towards the mortgage with the inheritance. I do plan to pay off joint cc (4k) and maybe a holiday. I need a new phone, but other than that I was going to save the rest.

He knows I'm going to deposit it into my account rather than the joint account, but he keeps suggesting things we could spend it on. I've been making non committal noises because I was unsure if I was being unfair, but I may just have to bite the bullet and tell him it's my money...

OP posts:
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