Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Am I being unfair with this money?

76 replies

BigMamaFratelli · 20/10/2018 20:19

My godfather was a huge part of my life growing up. But his alzheimers probably started not long after dp and I got together so dp has never really known the real him.

Sadly my godfather died recently, and left a sizeable chunk of his estate to my mum. My mum has decided to gift me 20k of this. I was left jewellery, but no cash. Am I wrong to view this money as mine rather than family money?

So as not to drip feed dp's parents died before we met and although the money he inherited from them was part of the deposit for our house it's protected by a deed of trust, which I'm more than happy about. It's also a lot more than my inheritance from godfather (via my mum).

But dp keeps making plans for what we'll do with the money and I just feel unreasonable for wanting to say it's mine and my decision. What do you think?

OP posts:
ThunderInMyHeart · 20/10/2018 23:50

He’s a CF!

letsgetreadytosamba · 20/10/2018 23:57

Bite the bullet, you’re paying off a joint cc and paying for a family holiday, the rest is your nest egg.

HeddaGarbled · 21/10/2018 00:01

You actually don’t have to bite the bullet and tell him that if you are not ready to. Just leave it in your account and whenever he comes up with suggestions on how to spend it, be vague and non-commital and then don’t do it.

Don’t pay off the joint credit card or pay for a joint holiday, unless it’s a low cost one. He clearly has more personal wealth than you and has made sure that he doesn’t have to share it with you. Take a leaf out of his book and look out for yourself.

Oh, and get married ASAP unless you are working full time and will be able to support yourself and the children if he dumps you.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/10/2018 00:10

Don’t throw this away on a holiday or your joint debt. Like PP have said, put it in an ISA in your name and forget it. Just let it sit there for your future benefit just in case

TOADfan · 21/10/2018 00:11

16 years! Sorry but hell yes it should be joint money. Youse have children together ffs.

If my partner got 20k and ring fenced it for himself I would seriously need to reconsider our future together.

PositivelyPERF · 21/10/2018 00:15

If my partner got 20k and ring fenced it for himself I would seriously need to reconsider our future together.

What about the fact that the partner has already ring fenced his own inheritance?

DragonMamma · 21/10/2018 00:16

I’m with TOADfan on this one.

16yrs together and 2 dc! I wouldn’t for a second consider it solely mine and would use it to make all our lives better.

You say you’re going to save the majority of it. What for?

Ignoramusgiganticus · 21/10/2018 00:17

Replace some of his deposit with the necessary paperwork in place and then you can have family spare money to pay off the credit card and holiday with.

DreamsofJacaranda · 21/10/2018 00:19

As you’re not married, I would suggest that you spend some of it on a wedding - that would be the best investment for your and your children’s financial future.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/10/2018 00:19

Oh yes, but if they should split, the OP will be fucked over without so much as a backward glance. So no, I don’t think it should be ‘family’ money .

TOADfan · 21/10/2018 01:43

@positivelyPERF the OP stated that her partners parents died before they met. We have no idea that it wasn't his house first. If he already owned his house and they moved in together after a year of dating then fair enough he should have a deed of trust for it.

Obviously we don't have the full information to build a picture but after 16 years together and 2 children they are family not just boyfriend and girlfriend.

OP I would seriously consider marriage though.

Seniorschoolmum · 21/10/2018 02:13

You aren’t married, it isn’t family money.

Original poster
BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2018 08:44

He inherited around 40k when his parents died before we were together and used it as a deposit on a house. He moved in to it when we'd been together a few weeks and I probably moved in about 6 months later. It was always very much his house, although all bills split 50/50 - so the mortgage didn't come out if my account but I paid the equivalent in other bills.

When he/we sold the house 10 years later (5 years ago) the equity was put towards our current joint house, with the first 80k being ring fenced as his. I was and still am ok with that as my parents are still alive and I have other family, he's an only child with no close family. So if we should split up etc I've got places I could stay and a support network. He hasn't so would need the money more than I would.

And although I'm happy to do things for family benefit eg pay off the joint cc, holiday etc I can't work out if I'm being unfair not viewing it as family money.

And I have no intention of marrying him just to make sure I'm financially secure if we should split as some people have suggested.

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 21/10/2018 09:00

That's a totally different scenario tbh. After 16 yrs I can fully understand why he would expect it to be treated as family money.

Cuttingthegrass · 21/10/2018 09:07

I wouldn't suggest the original ring fence amount was changed to show £20k was now mine and therefore protected for me. That way the financials, re outgoings, remain the same. Then the £20k is joint money to decide jointly what to do.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 21/10/2018 09:10

He's protected his assets, you protect yours! If you split up, he would have all of his money ring fenced and you would have nothing from your inheritance! Fuck that!

Fairylea · 21/10/2018 09:14

In our situation I would be incredibly hurt if dh didn’t put this money into the family pot - but then we are very much an “all in” jointly family. When we married I owned my house outright and we remortgaged so dh could buy half - my mum was living with me at the time (we purchased the house together) so in effect he bought her share and she went to live in her own house. I’m a sahm and dh works and we give ourselves equal spending money. All income is our income. But - your situation is different in terms of history and set up. I’m not sure quite what I’d do but I’d struggle with the “mine and yours” dynamics of your relationship.

SputnikBear · 21/10/2018 09:14

If you were married it would be different. But you’re not. Tbh I wouldn’t even pay off the joint credit card. Pay off your half only and keep the rest.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 21/10/2018 09:20

Tbh op just said after ten years together he went on to ringfence 80k for himself when he could have put everything into the same pot especially after 10years he didn’t, I get he did when they first met but he could have changed that after 10yeads. You aren’t married op so no protection. However I would do what you wish with you’re own inheritance he can’t have it both ways.

Sophiesdog11 · 21/10/2018 09:25

So Hellena, why is it ok for him to ring fence his inheritence only 5yrs ago, but not for the Op to do same now? They were a family with DC 5yrs ago, why did he not see his inheritence as family money when they bought their latest house?

My young adult DC have quite a large inheritence that we are adding to, via ISAs, such that when they eventually buy houses they could have upwards of 150k. Should they buy with partners, I would also advise them to ring fence their money.

But 16yrs down the line, with 2 kids? I think at that point the money should all be seen as joint, and since her DP doesn't see his as joint, why should she.

Op, why are you engaged but have never married? Is it your DP not wanting to, as then all money would be seen as joint?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/10/2018 09:33

See the thing is, even when you moved house, he kept his money ringfenced. So he is not treating you as a unit with shared finances. Therefore you shouldn't be paying joint credit card bills or financing the whole family holiday if that is going to eat a big chunk of your money.
He has taken steps to protect himself and you have to as well. I think it's time for a serious talk about where you two see yourselves. Not wishing to be rude but engaged with no plans to marry, isn't engaged. It's just living together, with kids. If you are a sahp or he has significantly more assets than you, then you are at a disadvantage. He has taken care to protect himself at your expense. I get hoe it came about and initially it was sensible for him to do so, but after 16 years and 2 dc maybe he ought not to be in a better financial position than you.

7yo7yo · 21/10/2018 09:34

I think you need to sit down and have a difficult conversation. If he’s happy for you to put your inheritance into the family pot then he should be happy to “unringfence” his deposit.
If yours is family money then so should his be.
He’s a CF spending your money.
I would ask my mum to put it in some kind of trust.

CherryPavlova · 21/10/2018 09:35

I struggle with people who are committed enough to bring children into the world together but not enough of a partnership to share monies. Doesn’t sit comfortably with me, to be honest.

Birdsgottafly · 21/10/2018 09:37

As long as you can afford to rehouse yourself in the same area, if you split, then pay off joint debt etc.

You may be happy with staying with relatives, but your children might not and you could lose residency. That doesn't apply if you have the means for life to continue, in the way they are used to, for your children.

Out of interest what does he want the money spent on?

Original poster
BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2018 09:41

Sophiesdog
We got engaged pre kids, never got around to marrying and I don't think I want to now. I have no idea if he still wants to or not as we haven't discussed it recently.

OP posts: