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Original poster

Am I being unfair with this money?

76 replies

BigMamaFratelli · 20/10/2018 20:19

My godfather was a huge part of my life growing up. But his alzheimers probably started not long after dp and I got together so dp has never really known the real him.

Sadly my godfather died recently, and left a sizeable chunk of his estate to my mum. My mum has decided to gift me 20k of this. I was left jewellery, but no cash. Am I wrong to view this money as mine rather than family money?

So as not to drip feed dp's parents died before we met and although the money he inherited from them was part of the deposit for our house it's protected by a deed of trust, which I'm more than happy about. It's also a lot more than my inheritance from godfather (via my mum).

But dp keeps making plans for what we'll do with the money and I just feel unreasonable for wanting to say it's mine and my decision. What do you think?

OP posts:

Kool4katz · 21/10/2018 09:45

Pay off debts, maybe take a nice family holiday but then I'd stick a sizeable chunk into a savings account/bonds in your name and then forget about it.
I'm assuming from your OP that you're both relatively young and healthy but things can change quite suddenly so it's always handy to have easy access to a decent sum to tide you over in the event of a minor disaster. I have a lump sum sat in an ISA for emergencies only.
A good friend had a car accident 5 years ago where she was rammed from behind at a junction and she hasn't worked since and is still paying out a fortune in physio so they've gone from being comfortable to serious belt tightening, no holidays, can't afford to replace the family car and their oldest is due to start college next year.
Another relative's previously healthy young-ish wife died from sepsis and he was left struggling to cover the mortgage costs as they only bought life cover for him as the main earner.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/10/2018 09:51

I’d put aside all money in an ISA or similar and build up your own pot till you can match what your partner has ring fenced for himself.

In the event of a break up currently, your partner gets to stay in your home.

You end up sofa surfing at relatives and relying on their goodwill.
This won’t be suitable for your dc tho will it?

So in the event your relationship breaks down you end up homeless, and have to leave the family home and children.

Don’t pay off joint debts or a family holiday. Those should be financed jointly.

You need to have exactly the finiancial buffer your partner has in the event the relationship breaks down. Presumably also whilst you were on maternity leave your pension pot took a hit as well?

I would contribute exactly what he does to your joint pot and nothing further.

reallybadidea · 21/10/2018 09:51

I agree @CherryPavlova. I find it difficult to understand - and this thread bears this out - how a couple can function as a real partnership if they keep separate finances. If both partners are guarding their resources like in the OP's relationship I can't imagine it is easy to pull in the same direction from a financial planning point of view.

Jack65 · 21/10/2018 09:52

I think op you are being a little too nice. I have seen this situation so often in my professional life, and when push comes to shove, the woman is left with nothing. Please protect yourself. It's very easy to spend capital but very difficult to save that amount up out of income. Don't pay off your joint debt. The payments to clear that, should be made jointly, out of joint income, not capital. By the way, has he made a will?

TwoGinScentedTears · 21/10/2018 10:00

I'd be tempted to say to him, here's 10k for the mortgage that's ringfenced like your money. If you want to make your ringfenced money less by 10k, I'll put the other 10k into family stuff.

If he doesn't want to do that, I'd say pay for half a family holiday and he can pay the other half. And keep the rest of the money to do with what you want. And only pay half the cc bill-he can pay the other half.

Weenurse · 21/10/2018 10:01

I had an inheritance in last 2 years. We paid off the mortgage and put in solar panels (live in Australia). New doors and windows. The rest into savings.
I did take a holiday with DD2 that coincided with a conference I was attending.
We have been together 30 years with young adult offspring.
Need to look towards superannuation and retirement.
DD2 and I went to Disney world. I highly recommend this as a family holiday option 😀

Original poster

BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2018 10:01

I don't think I've explained it properly fuzzywuzzy but if we split DP doesn't get to keep the family home. He gets the first 80k of what is currently around 170k equity, the rest split 50/50. Neither of us could afford this house alone. And although I'd have to buy something much smaller should we split, I could still buy something in this area.

The staying with relatives thing was more an immediate aftermath type thing rather than long term solution.

OP posts:

Autumnwindinthewillows · 21/10/2018 10:08

I've been married 28yrs; dh inherited a substantial sum when his dmum died 2 yrs ago. I have always seen it as his money not joint and his decision on how to spend it. A lot has gone into joint stuff but if he wanted something for himself I would not begrudge it.

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2018 10:30

Your DP inherited £40,000. You lived together in his house for 10yrs, had at least 1 of DC and during this time you were effectively paying half the mortgage? Then when you moved house he ringfenced £80,000?! Even though half the increased equity in that house should have been yours.

You need to get a bit more realistic. At the moment your house has enough equity for you to buy something if you split. But what if (for example) Brexit causes the house prices to crash. He could still afford a house near the dc schools, you could be stuck in flat miles away. And the kids end up living with him.....

fuzzywuzzy · 21/10/2018 10:33

Where would the dc live in the immediate aftermath of a breakup? Also what if your DP isn’t as nice & reasonable during a break up as he is whilst together and insists on the house remaining his for the dc to remain in with him being main carer till they’re old enough to leave home, then the house equity be split?

Have you had legal advice?

I would ringfence your inheritance for your future. Just like dp has ring fenced his for himself.

I’ve got a DP (and dc with him) and our house is jointly owned, we both contributed to the deposit, DP had an inheritance which went into paying off debts and we paid to furnish the house together.

I can understand ring fencing inheritance whilst in a new relationship but with dc added to the equation and the fact you’ve been paying fifty percent of the mortgage I don’t get why his inheritance is now fifty percent higher and still separate from the family pot.

Also the aftermath of a relationship breakdown tends to be messy and can be prolonged for a lot longer than anticipated. Especially if one or both former partners are angry and renege on understandings that we’re made during more harmonious times.

You need to take emotion out of it and see it as a business transaction. You need to have the same sort of buffer your partner has, its that simple. In your shoes I would use this inheritance to start building up the buffer for yourself.

Original poster

BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2018 10:36

No idea why you think I'd leave my children rather than rent somewhere over buying Shelby

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 21/10/2018 10:38

Autumn your position is completely different, in the event of divorce your dh’s Inheritance will be all part of family assets and you would be entitled to claim half.

OP has no claim on anything her DP has ring fenced. And with relatively young children is in a very vulnerable position in the event of a break up.

If you feel I’m being hard nosed and mean or whatever OP, I’d go get separate legal and financial advice. Do not let being in love/feeling obligated to use your inheritance by your DP/whatever cause you to make financially imprudent decisions (for you).

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 21/10/2018 10:42

^ This.

Op keep the money for you I wouldn’t even pay off the joint CC if I was you on that basis. He’s a CF isn’t he, if my husband after 16 years ring fenced equity when we have 2 children together I wouldn’t have bought another house with him. I would have reconsidered our relationship.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/10/2018 10:43

OP I think Shelby is thinking along the lines I am. What if your DP goes to court for residency of your dc on the basis he can provide continuity of their care whilst your forced financially to move further away?

You wouldn’t willingly leave your dc but you might end up having to if your DP could show he is able to provide continuity and stability of their care. Your dc may also decide they want to stay in the area and school and house they’ve grown up in.

It’s a possibility that could happen.

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2018 10:51

I wasn’t impying you’d deliberately leave your children, but if you split up he’s got a lot more money to provide a home & pay for a good lawyer than you have.

Original poster

BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2018 10:52

As I've said, DP can't afford this house on his own. He wouldn't get a mortgage for the outstanding amount without me. He couldn't afford to run it anyway even without the mortgage issue.

Also I could comfortably rent something in this area. Not sure why that would be viewed as unstable - surely plenty of people rent?

OP posts:

Original poster

BigMamaFratelli · 21/10/2018 10:55

He has ringfenced equity in the house. He doesn't have more income,

disposable or otherwise, than I do.

OP posts:

Bananamanfan · 21/10/2018 10:55

I understand your dp Ringfencing £40k from his parents, but an additional £40K when you moved is completely different. I think you should keep the whole £20k and discuss sharing the 2nd £40k. Your dp is a CF.

BitOfANameChange · 21/10/2018 10:58

I don't think I understand why the £40,000 jumped to £80,000 being ringfenced on moving house.

OP, don't pay off the joint cc, that's a jopint debt, and he should remain responsible for his fair share.

Ring fence your own money. My ex swallowed up pretty much all my money, and I've learned a hard lesson.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/10/2018 10:59

He has ring fenced equity, but it’s not a percentage of the equity reflecting his original contribution it’s actually £80k (not sure why this is even reasonable given he contributed half that). So in the event house prices do go down he gets £80k plus half whatever equity there is available.

Get legal advice OP seriously, he is in a much better financial position than your are.

RandomMess · 21/10/2018 11:03

I would ring fence it like he has... if he is objectionable about it ask him why it's one rule for his inheritance and one for your?

What he says could be very telling...

letsgetreadytosamba · 21/10/2018 16:19

Why has he now got 80k ringfenced?!

FunSponges · 21/10/2018 16:49

He's a CF. Yes he should have ring fenced his original 40k but given you moved in very soon after, how the hell did he get away with doubling this when he sold!!!

Keep your 20k and don't pay a joint cc with it.

amusedbush · 21/10/2018 16:57

DH has had multiple bereavements in the last 18 months and is soon to inherit a house plus about £30k cash. I am utterly thrilled that we will be able to stop renting and move into a house owned outright (my name will be on the house too), the rest of the cash is his. I have no designs on it at all.

I think your DP has made his feelings clear by ring fencing his money ten years into your relationship.

7yo7yo · 21/10/2018 19:07

Ah I see what PPs are trying to say op.
And it’s reinforced my opinion he’s a CF.
Mortgage affordability or not, he’s ok.
Please please protect yourself.

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