"But I've got four children"

[Bestseller]

This is a line repeated numerous times a day by a colleague.

She's fairly senior, well respected and good at her job, but she seems to feel the need to use this excuse several times a day.

Most of the time there's no need for any excuse at all, she's doing a great job, but seems to use it to justify any small shortcoming (these are often in her imagination). She'll also use it if anything "extra" needs doing. Maybe a slightly late night, or picking something up at the weekend. These are things that are common in our line of work and generally accepted, we gain time at other times.

It annoys me. Everyone on the team has DC, but we're not as special, as we stopped at 2 or 3. It also winds me up when women use children as an excuse, I've always tried to carry on as normal at work, but maybe I should have expected more allowances for having a family.

If it makes a difference, her DH works PT and does the school runs and most of the domestic chores (which she also braggs about often).

Would you find this annoying too or am I being too touchy?

"We've all got kids and problems and things...."

someone needs to do her a favour and tell her that she is doing a great job, but undermining herself by referring to her FOUR children all the time

@Jux but we haven't all got childcare

The one that made me smile wryly was what my colleague put on his application for WfH (it was a done deal years before I joined, so while things like never knowing if he’ be in that day and his ducking out of the phones-answering part of the job were irritating, I had little comeback).
The actual reason was that he CreallyBA to drive for 30 mins and sit in the office doing the tedious parts of the job. And that if he wasn’t allowed to WfH doing just the stuff he wanted to, he’d take early retirement and the section would lose his niche knowledge altogether.

Obviously this couldn’t go on the justification his manager made to head office. So it went down as ‘to be there for my children ‘. Now, while it’s true that his DW also worked FT...DC2 was well into their teens at the time - and had some kind of ‘mother’s help’ waiting for them when they got in from school. DC1 was even older - and was at boarding school - a fact my colleague was not shy of mentioning. (No SNs etc.) Dependent newborns they weren’t.

I’d be tempted to look puzzled and say “But they’re not here, so why is that relevant?

@Bestseller we are not as special ? Are you a narcissist ? She is struggling with her children and having a demanding job so thinks she's special ? Warped way of thinking .

Unless your first pregnancy was quads or your second was triplets, having four is a choice. If you don't think you'll cope, use contraceptives.

@MiddlingMum like life is that black and white 🤣🤣oh dear !

You don't think contraceptives work properly @tamzinro?

@HollowTalk are you for real ?

Have you got more children than you wanted tamzinro?

You seem a little narky.

Of course I'm for real. I just thought that virtually all women could control their fertility through using birth control - doubling up if really necessary. Everyone I know can do it. Why, do you have trouble with it?

@AnneLovesGilbert people need to be more understanding and if they can't understand them air it to the person they don't understand not on the internet , it's very childlike .

@HollowTalk defo not for real

OP, if you really feel the need to say something, then FGS don't torpedo your relationship with someone who sounds like a reasonably well respected & competent colleague with a slightly annoying habit.

Why don't you follow Olenna's suggestion and just say next time "X, I notice you almost always mention your children when you're turning down a task - even though we all know you pull your weight. There really isn't any need. Just say 'oh, that's not so convenient for me - I can do other task instead though' and we'll all sort it out like we always do."

There's no need to make her into a monster in your head just because she has fallen into always using the same old excuse. I'm sure there are things you always say too and you don't even notice.

I'd go as far as to say that the majority of births are by choice. Obviously, there are those who are coerced or find out very late but for most women in GB, birth is a choice. Even if you get pregnant due to contraceptive failure - it is still a choice to continue.

I am real, ffs! Most women will find a contraceptive method that suits them and they'll stick to it and they won't get pregnant unless they want to. If you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to go to the doctor's and get fitted up for contraception. There are very few people who can't find a reliable method.

How else do you explain the fact that the average number of children is 2?

Of course I am not including women who are raped. Of course not. But if - say - your condom breaks, take the MAP. If you have V&D while you're on the pill, stop having sex for a while. It's not rocket science.

I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about tamzinro. This is “on the internet”.

@HollowTalk But circumstances change, we are not static beings with static lives and we cannot foresee the future.

Not everyone can work weekends or do night-shifts and the more children one has the more expensive childcare is . Do we all get a calculator out when planning a pregnancy with our husband who promises to look after us through thick and thin? -"well Richard , will we afford childcare in 10 years time? , let's calculate it !!" 10 years down the line the economy changes and Richard who promises to look after us through thick and thin can't look after us through thick because he's run off with the thin woman who runs the cheapest nursery in the village !

I think a full time job and 4 children would be pretty full on and would imagine trying to work at weekends as well would be too much. Maybe she just knows when to say no. Maybe you should too.

I’m going to assume you’re projecting here and risking a bit of a thread derail tamzinro as OP’s colleague has a DH and he works pt so is in the picture and looks after the children some of the time she’s working.

@Berniethefastestmilkwoman well put! The OP has issues as do many of the posters who agree with her , it's bizarre . . All behind her bosses back ...This thread is too toxic for me , I'm out .

@AnneLovesGilbert I can read, My post was not literal !