"But I've got four children"

[Bestseller]

This is a line repeated numerous times a day by a colleague.

She's fairly senior, well respected and good at her job, but she seems to feel the need to use this excuse several times a day.

Most of the time there's no need for any excuse at all, she's doing a great job, but seems to use it to justify any small shortcoming (these are often in her imagination). She'll also use it if anything "extra" needs doing. Maybe a slightly late night, or picking something up at the weekend. These are things that are common in our line of work and generally accepted, we gain time at other times.

It annoys me. Everyone on the team has DC, but we're not as special, as we stopped at 2 or 3. It also winds me up when women use children as an excuse, I've always tried to carry on as normal at work, but maybe I should have expected more allowances for having a family.

If it makes a difference, her DH works PT and does the school runs and most of the domestic chores (which she also braggs about often).

Would you find this annoying too or am I being too touchy?

Is she a shirker, or is she just better at boundary setting in terms of late nights than you are?

I've heard feebler excuses.

She's not a shirker at all and she doesn't really do less than her share as a result of this "excuse", she just has to make sure everyone knows just how difficult it all is for her.

She doesn't have to say anything. It's not easy for anyone.

"I'd just shrug and say "Your circus, your monkeys" and make her take her fair turn."

Yeah. Sure you would.

'I don't see what that has to do with it'. Every time.

To go along with the 9 months earlier excuse, 'Oh but I'm pregnant so I need a little cotton wool box to live/half-work in' because obviously no-one has ever been pregnant before.' I have been known to gaze out of the window, telling those who ask what I'm doing that I'm looking for camels and wise men.

Wow !! 6. That is amazing. You are doing a great job Supermama. Well done with your 3 jobs.

I know someone who about 6 months ago had her sixth baby. Now she is complaining endlessly on social media about how little money they have. No shit. Who knew having six kids would be expensive??

Easy response: "I know you do! You also have a husband who works part time so he can be home when they are so you don't have to worry about it when you have work to do. So lucky!"

Shut.Her.Down.

Tell her it sounds like she regrets having them.

I think you're suffering from internalised misogyny OP. So she mentions her family circumstances, so what? So long as she's not using it to dump work on others.

I'm with you OP it drives me nuts when people make this a big thing

Yes it's hard but actually you don't have any idea of what people are going through around you and whether it affects them

I had a manager who for every tiny little thing used to use her kids as an excuse...things escalated and she started refusing to do on call (in my industry a big no no to try and avoid that) and i challenehed her in supervision

Her response " but I have a 9 year old and a 7 year old I have young children you don't know what it's like "

What I wanted to say was " yes and I have a 4 year old and a 18 month old and I'm in the middle of a divorce with no childcare support , I work 90 hours a week to stay in a role because if I don't we will lose our home but you don't know that because o took the job knowing this so I have no right to notch because all of this was my choice so I get the fuck on with it ...if I don't like it I could choose another industry so it's no-one problem but my own "

I didn't because I'm professional and I went through the right process

But I instantly lost respect for her , and it's not just parents , what about those who are caring for elderly parents ? Those who are going through distressing infertility treatments ? Those fighting mental health issues

We are filled with challenges whoever we are , there is no real hierarchy , but when we make choices like having children it's not anyone else's responsibility to make allowances for us

She'll also use it if anything "extra" needs doing. Maybe a slightly late night, or picking something up at the weekend.

OP, you say she's not a shirker, but you also posted this^^

If she's not pulling her weight on the above, then yes, she is using the children as a free pass. You say her DH is PT and does most of the pick-ups and chores, so if she were a bloke, you'd all be asking why "he" couldn't do "his" share of late night/weekend stuff.

So she's doing her job and doesn't shirk responsibility? How often does she really say 'but I have 4 children'? You say she's not using it to get out of any work so when is it being brought up?
Sounds like you just don't like her tbh,

It’s funny that you should mention the infertility @gettingbackonmyfeet I’m a decade long IVF/MC veteran, the oven comment was this year.

That’s a drip feed but I figure my objections with the oven nonsense was more so the shock that a childless couple might use an oven a few times a week rather than the additional insensitivity.

Haven’t seen her since

Yes, she'll use it to explain why kt would be really very difficult for her, then do it anyway, or will do something else to make up for it.

As I said, she's very well respected, it's just her constant need to remind us how much harder it is for her than for everyone else, I find irritating.

@bestseller I think what can be irritating is that other people may have more challenging circumstances such as kids and an elderly parent, disabilities etc.

It’s not a competition, you can either do the extra or not but the ‘I’ve got x kids’ would irritate me.

Speaking of which, one of my relatives always short on cash but doesn’t work past her 2.30 finish (she’s part time) because ‘what about the dog’.

The dog is a good age, sleeps most of the day but she cannot trust her teenage kids to feed the thing when they get in.

I had a colleague who broke up with her partner and they had one child together. She was then having sex with him and became pregnant. She then demanded every Xmas off as she claimed she couldn't arrange any child care and acted very indignant when it was pointed out to her a) working Xmas is part of the job as she was a nurse, b) she chose to have another child knowing she'd be a lone parent c) we all had kids but still worked and d) where was the father in all this? It was like we were responsible for these children.

The resentment it caused was legendary and they're still fighting about it, but I've since left.

I think it is reasonable we communicate aspects of our work that cause us undue stress if we feel it is outside our remit.

Circumstances change. A parent could start working 5 days full time but later having found his/her family situation changing ask to be put down to part time hours. The pay would reflect the level of responsibility/ hours worked.

I work with someone very similar! Her excuse is three kids. I also have 3, as does another colleague, but apparently it's not the same because hers are all boys In two months her contract with us is up anyway so trying to just grit my teeth and not say anything!

Just answer her ‘it’s a good thing your DH works part time then and is so handy around the house!’

@Gettingbackonmyfeet how did you get childcare ? If she can't get childcare then what does she do ? Dump the kids in a bush while she goes to work ?