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Original poster

Does anyone else have an ‘invisible’ child?

60 replies

ladyandthechocolate · 16/10/2018 19:10

Just that really.
I’ve spent the past hour comforting DD who is in year 6. They gave out the parts for their big Christmas show today and she’s part of the chorus. Year 6 get the main parts so she has been waiting for this for a few years. She was desperately hoping for a part as she is a talented singer.
I just feel gutted for her as she hasn’t been picked for one single thing at primary school. Not school council, sports teams, readings at Harvest and concerts. Nothing. It’s the same kids that get the parts every time and I just don’t get it.
Cheer me up and tell me it’s character building for her and she’ll be a stronger person for it.

OP posts:
GreenDinosaur · 16/10/2018 19:16

That's so sad, your poor DD. I wish teachers would notice these things and try to address the balance a bit.

I was an invisible kid and I just stopped trying at things to avoid the disappointment. My DH has loads of certificates for stuff and I have nothing.

Original poster
ladyandthechocolate · 16/10/2018 19:36

Thank you @greendinosaur
I do feel sad for her. I’m so tempted to say something to school but I’m not sure it’s the best idea.

OP posts:
Rory786 · 16/10/2018 19:42

I think you should say something, its her last year. They can easily make her another part. Maybe they thought she was shy and didn't want a solo.
I know its tough, but this might be the making of her and when she goes to high school she will have to be a bit more vocal.

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SignOnTheWindow · 16/10/2018 19:43

Poor little thing. Really feel for her and you.

Do you think you could turn it into something positive by properly talking through the situation with your DD - breaking down how exactly it makes her feel, what is it about the others that means they always get picked, what she could do to change the situation without having to change herself into an extrovert or 'elbows-out' type. A quiet word (from her, not you) with a trusted teacher about it might help?

BirthdayPlans · 16/10/2018 19:45

I don't think you should say something, but you could encourage her to say something.

Awrite · 16/10/2018 19:45

Most of us were invisible kids. Surely, numbers wise, the majority are invisible.

Alienspaceship · 16/10/2018 19:47

Why do primary schools do this? Ours is exactly the same - always the same kids picked for everything.

cansu · 16/10/2018 19:50

Not being picked for shows does not make her an invisible child. She is probably well thought of by her teacher, her friends and family. Describing her as invisible because she doesn't get these parts is over dramatic and suggests you value these things too much. I would instead be congratulating her for auditioning, telling her you know how fab she is and bigging up any part she does get.

user450246 · 16/10/2018 19:53

My two finest school parts were the front end of the camel in the nativity, and a person hit by a pie in bugsy malone! Do extra curricular activities in drama etc where she’ll get more chances but it didn’t do me any harm being invisible, it does make you strive to be good at things if you feel a bit of adversity.

BirthdayPlans · 16/10/2018 19:55

congratulating her for auditioning

Audition for a primary school Christmas show? Never heard of that before, in my day parts were assigned!

TeaForTiger · 16/10/2018 20:00

Not all schools are like this!

Problem is generally it's the same kids that are good at everything and different people are picking them for different things. So Mr X picked Max for sports, but Mrs Y also picked him for the Maths team.
Neither will necessarily be aware what else said child has been chosen for.

To combat this we have a spreadsheet. Any one child is only allowed to picked for up to two things in a year. We also check back to see who was selected for different things last year, who had the leading parts etc.

The reason this came about was that parents complained that it was the same children doing everything and no one else got a look in!

But if no one ever says anything, nothing will change.

LaDameAuxLicornes · 16/10/2018 20:08

Does she do extra curriculars, or if not would she consider giving it a go? Sometimes schools become a bit oblivious and it's easier for kids to gain more opportunities for doing shows etc in choirs and drama clubs outside. And it's a good reminder that the school environment isn't the be all and end all and there are other places where they can shine.

ballsdeep · 16/10/2018 20:08

I would mention to the teacher.

tootiredtospeak · 16/10/2018 20:09

Say something. My child was recently picked for school bullying council but when he told me who he was up against and that the other kids in the class got to vote I was not impressed. Yes my child got the gig but the other child didnt get a chance as he has SEN and less popular. My eldest child has SEN and never got picked for anything so I know how this can affect a childs confidence. I had a word with the teacher and now they get to do half the year each. They were a bit suprised it was me complaining but were very accomodating. Speak up for her I would.

WipsGlitter · 16/10/2018 20:26

Yes. DS is invisible. I actually complained to the school.

Givemeallyourcucumber · 16/10/2018 20:32

My friend today was upset about this issue too. Our DDs are in the same class and she feels her child is invisible. She said her DD is just average at everything and is quiet so the teachers often forget about her. It's really sad to be honest. Everyone should be given a fair chance and the opportunity to shine.
I would mention this to the teacher. It's her last chance at primary.
It may even be better if DD stood up for herself and told the teacher how she feels. It's a big ask of her but it might hit home more if the teacher heard it from DD.

Hunlife · 16/10/2018 20:38

I was invisible at primary school. I was so good but never got anywhere and certainly never got given prestigious roles. All I can say OP is that secondary school was the making of me. I was treated fairly because of how I behaved and had some brilliant teachers who built up my confidence rather than shatter it. I hope your DD has the same positive experience I did.

Original poster
ladyandthechocolate · 16/10/2018 20:46

Thanks for your replies. I know it sounds like I’m obsessing about the show but the school make it such a big deal with auditions and all. It wouldn’t matter to me if she’d been chosen for other things but she really hasn’t and I can see her bewilderment and disappointment.
I may well say something. I suggested it to DD but she isn’t keen. Thing is I’m a governor so I feel awkward like I’m expecting special treatment for her when I’m not.

OP posts:
PoptartPoptart · 16/10/2018 20:47

I work in yr6.
All children have the chance to audition for parts in the Christmas and end of year productions. They can do anything for the audition, sing, dance, recite a poem or a few lines from a play.
Everyone who auditions (regardless of how good they are) gets a part, even if it’s just a few lines.
It’s the only fair way.
Also we have a celebration assembly every week and 1 child per class get a certificate for something, effort, kindness, achievement etc.
The teacher keeps a secret list and ticks off the children who have received certificates each week. By the end of the year every child will have received one.
Self esteem and confidence is so important at this age.

Echobelly · 16/10/2018 20:48

I totally get that being upset about kids wanting a reasonable-sized part isn't doesn't have to be about wanting your DC to be star of the show, but wanting them to have a shot, sometimes wanting to help their confidence.

DD also never got picked for school council (now in Y6) despite trying every year, but she twigged two years ago that it's a popularity contest, and while she has enough friends, she's not top of the popularity tree.

Teachers do have their favourites unfortunately. She's in the school choir and the same child is always picked for the solos (and as my MIL pointed out after one concert, there was one song with loads of solo verses that could have been split between several children) and she gets annoyed about it as she wants a go, especially as this child has an attitude about being the star (and many people agree on this)!

We have been encouraging her to go to the music teacher herself and say she'd like a solo and could she sing something to her (although she has heard her sing to audition for the choir). She has a very strong voice, and has been offered two places at secondary schools on the basis of her singing, so it's not just me being partial, and she's not too shy or nervous to do it.

Fortunately she does a drama class with many schoolmates where she has had a chance to have a lead role in a play

whitedoe · 16/10/2018 20:51

100% say something to the teachers! Your daughter will look back on this and remember whatever amazing part they can conjure up other than 'chorus'

Fightthebear · 16/10/2018 20:52

DS1 was the same, not outstanding at anything, never got picked. Well behaved enough not to attract negative attention.

It was ridiculous by the end off Y6 but to be fair he didn’t seem too bothered so I followed his lead.

I’d mention it if she’s upset, the teachers may not be aware. And yes the pushier kids and parents definitely get more opportunities.

FFSFFSFFS · 16/10/2018 20:54

I think it's a shame and no harm saying something to the school but

One of the best skills a parent can teach a child is how to deal with disappointment. Ie how to acknowledge disappointment (so not dismiss the emotion) but help her to regulate and then move on from the emotion.

If she can learn that will be much better experience than actually being in the show!

MoltenLasagne · 16/10/2018 20:55

Tootired - thank goodness you said something and how utterly daft to make an anti bullying council a popularity contest.

Orlande · 16/10/2018 20:58

The teacher is unlikely to be doing it deliberately, it will be an oversight.

I would definitely speak to the teacher and ask your child gets a speaking part.