Does anyone else have an ‘invisible’ child?

[ladyandthechocolate]

Just that really.
I’ve spent the past hour comforting DD who is in year 6. They gave out the parts for their big Christmas show today and she’s part of the chorus. Year 6 get the main parts so she has been waiting for this for a few years. She was desperately hoping for a part as she is a talented singer.
I just feel gutted for her as she hasn’t been picked for one single thing at primary school. Not school council, sports teams, readings at Harvest and concerts. Nothing. It’s the same kids that get the parts every time and I just don’t get it.
Cheer me up and tell me it’s character building for her and she’ll be a stronger person for it.

She won’t be the only ‘invisible’ child so not sure what talking to the teacher is going to achieve. She may not be eager when they are looking for people to perform or to audition. My DS was what I would call invisible but he was happy being that way, he didn’t want to perform infront of everyone even though he could play instruments but definitely not interested in. acting. My DD did want to but was never picked either and that pissed her off. Anyway she skipped into high school and was picked for the A team in hockey and netball .... excelled at Drama and they want her in the school performances, so as far as I am concerned the primary missed out. Rather than encouraging all DC they focussed on the loud and eager and more articulate and it was the same DC every time who got the main parts.... rather irritating to watch but sadly such is life

I had an invisible daughter at primary school, just kept her head down, did the work asked of her, didn't ever misbehave, helped out when asked etc etc. In the Y6 play given a relatively small role etc. Well, she excelled in the play (in her very small part), to the astonishment of her teacher. She won an all round academic scholarship to a private secondary school (offered to the top 10% in the year based on entrance exam), to the astonishment of her teacher.

As a PP mentioned above, secondary school has been the making of her. She's not invisible any more.

Yep, I have an invisible DD too. She never gets picked for anything, never gets the class awards despite doing kind, thoughtful things and working so hard to overcome her additional support needs. She tells me herself its the same classmates that get the class awards all the time.....in her words it's the naughty ones who manage to behave for 10 mins that get rewarded all the time.
No one seems to notice how good a buddy she is to the new children, how hard she's worked to overcome her issues including volunteering to stay in at lunchtimes to work or how she tries her best at everything. It makes me quite sad.

Get her involved in singing outside of school. Choirs, musical theatre groups, singing lessons, etc.

I was the invisible child at school. There was no way that I would ever have been picked for anything sporty, or anything that was a popularity contest. I was also overlooked for things as my mum was a teacher at the school, and didn't want people to think I was being favoured.

I remember trying out for the quiz team in P7, and answering far more questions than anyone else, and getting them all right. I wasn't picked, and I was really upset. I genuinely couldn't understand why I had been overlooked. The teacher actually spoke to my mum about it off her own back (I assume she realised she needed to justify herself!) and explained that she thought I would be too nervous at the competition. I'm still bitter about that one, as I strongly feel that I had proven my ability and should have been given the chance. In the end I was vindicated, as the team were knocked out in the first round.

Anyway, that was a long winded way of saying that I don't think it would be unreasonable to speak to the school, so long as it's phrased as concern for your daughter rather than a complaint. However, I would probably encourage your daughter to speak to the teacher herself. Practise with her what to say; she could explain that she was disappointed and just ask for feedback on her audition. (Also - get her to learn any parts she likes - there are often children off on the day of the show!)

Having said that, before saying anything to teacher, ask your daughter, honestly, how her audition went. Last year, I directed our school Christmas play, and there were a couple of girls who I was expecting to do well, as I knew they were talented, but on the day of the audition they were really self-conscious and didn't actually audition well. Other children got the main parts, and the girls were gutted, but they really didn't deserve the parts based on their auditions.

I've walked on the shoes of both sides of this story. I've had a highly "visible" child (my eldest) and a less "visible" child (my middle child). Actually... turns out they were both seen perfectly clearly.
My eldest is articulate, bright, easy going and confident. He could reliably perform and was chosen to do so because he enjoyed it and got a lot from it. Other children in his class had parts assigned to them in school plays, monitor type roles, responsibilities etc and awards were shared out to celebrate differences. On occasions like Harvest Festivals etc he was able to sing/play an instrument/recite a poem and would do this well. These were public ocasions so by very definition it made him visible to other parents.
My middle child used to "miss out" but fairly quickly learnt that actually she had to work for roles, put herself forward and demonstrate her skills.
One particular parent in my eldest class would actually come up to me and moan about her son not being chosen for the part my son had. I kept silent whilst thinking that her son literally used to cry in year 6 whilst they were walking on stage for patent assemblies. He used to look glum and make faces when he wasn't centre of attention. I couldn't believe how blind she was to her sons behaviour and how rude it was to try and tell me my son didn't deserve his role. This same parent also asked the teachers to rig voting, change assigned roles and create new roles for her son. She ended up with people avoiding her and to be frank thinking she was crackers.
OP - seriously don't go in and try to get things changed - they will not be changed and you will look like a precious parent. Work on telling your child to use strategies to increase that confidence and demonstrate their capabilities.

In assembly last week a boy who has recently been excluded for a few days for inappropriate comments to teachers got a mention in front of the year group because he had not received any "behaviour points" that week (woopee flipping do) - yet a lovely, quiet lad who works so hard and won an art prize didnt even get a mention same injustice as when I was at school 30 years ago and the PITA kids got to do the fun jobs as a reward for actually writing the date in their books or some such nonsense.

Op, mention it to the teacher. Your dd is leaving this year, so you gave nothing to lose. Any school worth its salt would make the dc take turns to get certificates, etc.

You could list the dc who have had parts in plays etc over the years so they see how unfair they have been.

Your poor dd. I’d also see if a speaking part can be found for her in this play.

This thread reminds me I need to moan at parents evening that dd1 still hasn't had the courtesy cup.

I have one invisible child and one very visible child.

I would discuss it with the teacher, probably without letting your dd know. Yes it's good to learn to be resilient to disappointment but it's a crap lesson to face over and over again. The teacher might not know that's been her recurring experience and might have chosen differently if they did know.

Yep mine was overlooked. Exactly how you describe it. The same ones up all the time and They wonder whyb parents get peeved and children become envious.
Children are encouraged to go for all these auditions but They already have the children picked out

DS was one of the invisible kids till Year 6 when he and a friend were given a shortish scene in a play in their last term. It definitely wasn’t just me who reckoned they totally stole the show, and at least the teacher had the grace to say she wished she’d built up their section more. Subsequently he’s done much more acting in secondary school including some professional work. I wish teachers would realise that sometimes playing safe means potentially ignoring genuine talent.

I agree with sinkgirl

Get her involved with groups outside of school. It's a shame as year 6 should be inclusive and it's so easy to write extra parts in to include all those children who want a part/ want to do a solo. It's year 6 FGS not the west end...

My DD was never picked for anything at primary school either. The school productions were full of parts played by the governor's children, offspring of the PTA and those children who always got parts in the local panto. TBH the shows weren't that great. Both Leads in the year 6 production were cringingly bad...

DDs music theatre teacher at her dance school said she was the most talented child she had ever met.

When she was in year 6- at the time when her production was cast- a flier came into the school for an open audition for a youth theatre group production.

Out of the twenty or so children from her school who auditioned she was the only one who got in. She carried on with this group- moving up through the ranks until she got lead after lead after lead.

She has a totally incredible voice and is now studying music theatre at a top performing arts school.

It's the last year, what's to lose? I'd go in an have a fairly blunt word with the teacher, tell him/her what you've said here and ask what can be done. I am certain they can magic up a part so don't be put off.
Good luck

Is the teacher aware your dd is good at singing? Don't worry about being a governor, you are a mother as well.

You’ve all made me feel a bit better. I was definitely a one woman pity party earlier tonight.
I think I will hold off talking to the school until I feel a bit more rational.
I can see that she doesn’t push herself forward for things and it may be why she is overlooked. She’s not sporty either so of course has never been picked for teams.
She’s a bit brighter now and we have talked about the unfairness of life.

to you and DD OP. Been there, done that. DD has SN, pretty high levels of anxiety and in primary school never got picked - and yes got sad when the same Alpha girls were picked for everything. Suspect that, as other posters have said, she may have looked anxious or been nervous about them which probably put teachers off picking her. She did get two lines in the end of year show in Y6 so I was a proud mummy then in Y7 the world's loveliest drama teacher spent a year reassuring her, she got a big part in the school show and loved it. As other posters have said, do get her involved in outside activities. DD, together with some friends with SN, has always been really enthusiastic about doing readings in Church (to rounds of applause). Her friend - equally invisible but with a fabulous singing voice - is overlooked in school but regularly picked for solos with her choir. Keep going, keep her happy and involved with other activities, it will happen.

@rory787
Yes- DD sang a solo at the school concert last year (she wasn’t chosen, all children who received either instrumental or vocal lessons perform if they would like to).

It’s Year 6. I would mention it to the teacher and also find her some drama classes to attend (if she doesn’t already).

I was the invisible child. Despite the fact I could score more goals than the rest of the netball team in practice, when it came to friendly competitions against other schools I was ALWAYS on the bench. Every school play had the same leads bar none, and I would always be in the chorus or playing the tambourine behind a curtain.

Why? The answer is obvious. In my case (and maybe it's applicable to you as well), the kids always picked for these things were the ones with the pushy mums, the ones who harrassed the teachers to the point where they'd be scared if they didn't give these kids the parts. My parents didn't have much to do with the school, and my mum couldn't say boo to a goose. As a result,the knew I was one of the kids they could push around without fear of a nagging mother at their necks.

Yes my youngest was an invisible child at her middle school. Same few stars all the way through. I can only think the teachers had their favourite bunch. No one could be that fucking dumb to realise the same few kids got yo do everything whilst the rest looked on.
Youngest is now 17yo. She's got over it but never forgotten. It's a family in joke now when we refer to people that seemingly land on their feet repeatedly or are single out for being good - we refer to it using her old schools name!!

and I would suggest speaking to the teacher - at least that way they'd know you're on to them. I wish my parents had done it, and if I had a child in your position I would give these teachers a piece of my mind!

My youngest daughter didn't get picked for anything special, she was a donkey in the Kindergarten nativity, 'your Daddy is so good at making heads dear' and a silver tree when she was in the school where Daddy taught, 'I knew her parents wouldn't be a p.i.t.a. about roles'!
Her older sister was always chosen as the Narrator because she read clearly and loud, she wasn't happy either.

I’m definitely not a pushy parent. Maybe that’s the problem.
It also doesn’t help that DD has mild ASD. It wouldn’t affect her ability to perform at all but I think it is assumed that it would. This makes me ragey too because I feel that she is disadvantaged because of her SEN. I’m sure school would say not but I have my suspicions.

ladyandthechocolate

You might be right.

Have a think about what you want to do about that