I can't be arsed to be a Mum!

[juneisaprune]

This is me 100% within the last 6 months, a.k.a when my DS stopped sitting still 

I just find the whole thing a huge pain in the arse, and incredibly boring.

But I love him so so much, his little face is just picture perfect. He's adorable.

I just cba with the practicalities! I found it all so amazing when he was really tiny, but that's because he never moved 

I have so much to be thankful for. He's gorgeous and has been an amazing
Sleeper from day 1. No sleep deprivation. Nothing like that.

But he was an early crawler, an early walker. He's coming up for one and I can't stop getting emotional about it, but at the same time, I can't wait for him to up sticks! Both thoughts go through my head at the same time. What a psycho crazy person I've become.

I just don't like the day in day out caring for someone else like this. It's draining. I don't take any joy in seeing him have fun. I just want to get on with grown up stuff.

Is this normal?

I always knew I only wanted one DC, and I was very right. 1 is plenty 

June (sorry if you've said previously) is there a reason you can't work part time, or are you doing that already?

THE MONEY WE HAVE LEFT IS THE SAME and we’re no better off for me working because the cost of childcare is equal to my salary

Or you are no better of for him working as it's equal to his salary.

However your view is inaccurate as you are looking at the here and now.

You have forgot to add in.

Pension contributions that are missed through not working
Salary escalation
Ability to get into another role when you do go back to work
The salary scale when you go back v had you continued.

Bluntness Apologies for sounding so rude

Sputnik

I wasn't "lucky" I went back to university distance learning while working and having my second, that's how I nearly tripled my salary in the time we started a family to them starting school. I didn't want to wait until they're older. It's not down to luck, it's what you put in (if it's a priority, obviously career progression isn't a priority for everyone).

Kit There is no reason. Part time would be great for me. As I said in a previous post (sorry, that sounds snotty ), I have an interview for a part time role next week. It would benefit us finically as well as a great balance between being at home with DS vs working.

The only issue is it isn't my usual job title, but it's fine. The duties are quite similar but not as full on etc

Pension contributions that are missed through not working
As if you get a worthwhile pension in a min wage job!
Salary escalation
None.
Ability to get into another role when you do go back to work
Min wage jobs aren’t picky.
The salary scale when you go back v had you continued
Same. Min wage regardless.

As I said, the “future earnings” argument only applies to people who are fortunate enough to have a good job and expect a decent pension and salary increases during that period. If you’re on min wage now and will continue to be on min wage in the future it literally makes no difference whether you continue to work or take several years out.

Not snotty June, sorry I missed that post. I really hope you get it, I was part time for a few years before having to go full time and always felt it was the best of both worlds. Hopefully the best compromise all around for you, if you don't get this one there will be lots of others. Just know you are not alone in how you feel, I really really struggled in those early years, it doesn't last forever. We all have to find a way to parent the way that brings out the best in us for our kids, you'll figure it out!

@Kit10

Sounds like you need to get yourself back to work.
Part time would probably be ideal for you as I think it means you appreciate the time you have with your dc, but 3-4 days at work, or even 2 would bring more balance to your week.
You miss them when you are at work and are happier to see them when you get home.

It's not down to luck, it's what you put in
Not necessarily true. I have degrees but I worked in the public sector and government budget cuts eroded my salary down to min wage. My friend also has degrees (in law) but due to a lack of trainee solicitor jobs she works on the till in Asda. Another friend has a PhD but he’s a postman now because his research funding was cut. Lots of people worked very hard and prioritised their careers but aren’t fortunate enough to have progression opportunities. It royally pisses me off when people who were fortunate enough to get good jobs and have the opportunity to progress insist that others haven’t because “it isn’t a priority for them”.

Bluntness Apologies for sounding so rude

No probs, I'm in one myself this morning 🤣

Sputnik

I didn't say it wasn't a priority for you, I was just making the comment that I appreciate it isn't a priority for everyone so not to sound like an arse (failed!)

My gripe with what you are saying is that what I have achieved is down to luck, I assure you, as a military spouse with a husband away much of the time and no family around, who worked 4 days a week commuting 1.5 hours to a job related to my field and did a postgraduate qualification (mostly on public transport) while looking after a 3 year old and a baby (with PND..) was not down to luck. If you step away for 7 years because you say there is no progression, but who knows? I could have easily stayed home in cheap military accommodation, I was on minimum wage when I had my eldest, I could have assumed that was my destiny but I didn't, I made a lot of sacrifice and travelled a fair way and did it. Now I know I sound like a pompous arse and I appreciate there is a truth between what you and I are saying, perhaps simplistically I am being too optimistic and you pessimistic but I do always think there is more within our control than we credit ourselves with. I don't believe for a second anyone is destined to minimum wage, I just don't. Perhaps I've been on too many corporate motivational courses 🙈🙈

Yup, completely with you on all counts. I couldn't get a job either because of my terrible CV. OH couldn't change his job even slightly at the time, awful work place and no success interviewing elsewhere. He since has qualifications that give him bit of flex, but those tiny child years were absolute hell. I don't love it now, but it has started to have fun moments now she is three.

People always say it's PND. It wasn't PND. I have had depression & other MH conditions and I knew it wasn't that. It's a way of saying 'if you don't adore those things women are meant to, ie babies, you must be mentally ill'. Nope. Just hated it.

It does get easier and you will live through it, just keep hanging on in there and snatch enjoyment from wherever you can find it atm. Of course you love him, but a lot of looking after a baby/toddler is pure drudgery and thanklessness, and some find it more worthwhile than others.

*Which is why part time is the only real option, unless we moved closer to London/London itself with a higher rent but would save a bit of the extortionate commute prices.

But DH won't do that. He has a dog at his mum's that they jointly owed before he moved out and he won't leave him*

Wait, the main barrier to you moving, having access to more career opportunities that could enable you to work full time and have a better balance for your own sanity, reducing your DH's commute time and giving him more time to support you and spend with his child is that he doesn't want to live too far from his dog??

Why does he value proximity to the dog over all those things? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

OP I’m in a similar situation to you. Never particularly wanted kids but DH did. I’m not a natural mother and I don’t cope well with being stuck at home all day. I was very career oriented and I’d manage much better if I could go back to work, but it isn’t an option because repeated government budget cuts over the past decade have meant that my £35k salary has gone down to £17k instead of up to the £50k I was expecting to earn by now. Once I factor in childcare, transport and insurance etc I’d be worse off for working.

I love my DS but I’m so bored with looking after him. I’m a highly qualified professional but I spend my days wiping his bum. I have no intellectual stimulation, no projects or goals, no interaction with other intelligent adults. I have no time off. He’s a high needs child so I can’t even put him down and watch tv. I am slowly going insane.

Not sure there’s any solution other than to tough it out and look forward to starting school so I can have a few free hours each day to be an adult and use my brain. If it hasn’t turned to mush by then.

@Kit10
Someone has to be destined to min wage jobs though, because they need doing. Someone has to be the cleaner, call centre operative, etc. You have been lucky because you were hired and offered a job to commute to. You were given the opportunity to work hard and progress. Lots of people don’t get that chance.

Sputnik

Absolutely, some people are happy to do those jobs, some people just won't ever push themselves for more for whatever reason. Yes some people might not be there by choice, but as I say I do believe there is always something someone can do if they really, really want more. It's hard not to be influenced by our own experiences. I do hugely sympathise, coming from the public sector I know what a shambles it is and I myself will be looking for an escape, I just don't know what, it's not an easy decision to go back to requalifying with children, in some ways harder than with babies.

Mine are 6 and 4 now and at school but I remember feeling quite unfulfilled during maternity leave. I took a year off with both and am so glad that I did but I knew that I would be returning to a job that I enjoy part-time. If I was on maternity leave without a job to go back to I'd probably have felt like you do OP. I absolutely adore my DDs but I also wanted to be 'me' and felt that just being their mum wasn't enough. I wanted to go to work (part time is perfect for me but I'm in the Public Sector so very lucky there) and be useful for my skills not just feeding and hugs.

Now at 4 and 6 they are so brilliant, so clever and so entertaining but the baby/toddler years are bloody hard!

OP, you have said that you would have to be out at 7am if you went back to work full time, which sounds like you need to get to a specific place to do a specific job. However, you’ve then said this job is minimum wage and has no career prospects and a 7 year gap wouldn’t matter anyway. In that case could you look for a different type of job that’s closer? I’ve done retail work, it’s not thrilling but you get to socialise with other adults and out of the house and there must be local shops and supermarkets so you could find local childcare and not have the crazy commute?
Agree that your DH needs to seriously think about his priorities Re. Moving too.
On your original topic, looking after small children is exhausting and relentless. I love my DS to bits and since he’s got close to 2 and been able to speak it’s been way easier but I’d go nuts if I was at home with him all day every day. Nursery do all the messy play stuff with him which means I can largely do things I enjoy too - go for a walk where he can splash in puddles, take him swimming, go to the park, have cafe lunches, read him books and things that I can cope with even if I don’t love like endless playing with trains... I actually think this is pretty normal!

If I go back to work today I’ll get min wage. In five years time I’ll still be on min wage. Or I can stay at home for five years then go back to work and get the exact same job and the exact same min wage salary. I am no better or worse off regardless of when I go back to work. The “future earnings” argument only applies to the lucky people who can expect promotion and salary increases during those five years

But what about maintaining skills? My mum effectively ruled herself out of jobs because she stopped working when computers came along. Made it difficult to get a job later on.

I’m not lucky because I get promotions etc. I work hard for it!

He's already adjusted it to suit family better. He can't possibly adjust it any more. His job just doesn't work like that

What do the mums do in his office?

Being a SAHM is a nice option and sometimes it’s the option that people take because they don’t want to make the changes to try something else. That’s fair enough but no point moaning if you’re stuck at home then.

What newroundhere said.

“But DH won't do that. He has a dog at his mum's that they jointly owed before he moved out and he won't leave him”

I read this and thought WTF?! This man has his priorities all wrong. He values a DOG over time with his child and career opportunities for you. Not to mention your well-being.

I’m not lucky because I get promotions etc. I work hard for it!
As I said earlier, you’re lucky to have been given the opportunity to work hard. Some people don’t get the chance.

As I said earlier, you’re lucky to have been given the opportunity to work hard. Some people don’t get the chance

Lucky to be in foster care for half of my childhood, didn’t know my dad, mumbad severe mental issues and couldn’t raise us lucky?

I suppose so.

On the one hand, I know what you mean. DS is just launching himself full-bodied into the Terrible Twos and it's not a phase that has me joyously playing with him every minute of the day. I can't be arsed to be a mum sometimes, not to a toddler. When DD turned around 4 it suddenly got ace and I'm a much more natural "mum" with an older child.

But on the other hand, if you're not really happy being a SAHM but one of the main things preventing you from looking at ways of getting back to work, even part-time, is your husband's affection for a dog then... yeah, that's a problem.