I can't be arsed to be a Mum!

[juneisaprune]

This is me 100% within the last 6 months, a.k.a when my DS stopped sitting still 

I just find the whole thing a huge pain in the arse, and incredibly boring.

But I love him so so much, his little face is just picture perfect. He's adorable.

I just cba with the practicalities! I found it all so amazing when he was really tiny, but that's because he never moved 

I have so much to be thankful for. He's gorgeous and has been an amazing
Sleeper from day 1. No sleep deprivation. Nothing like that.

But he was an early crawler, an early walker. He's coming up for one and I can't stop getting emotional about it, but at the same time, I can't wait for him to up sticks! Both thoughts go through my head at the same time. What a psycho crazy person I've become.

I just don't like the day in day out caring for someone else like this. It's draining. I don't take any joy in seeing him have fun. I just want to get on with grown up stuff.

Is this normal?

I always knew I only wanted one DC, and I was very right. 1 is plenty 

I know what you mean. Before having kids, I had a full life. I've always been a high achiever - studied, had a busy career and lots of hobbies. Since having children and being a stay-at-home Mum I feel so internally frustrated and totally know what you mean when you saying it's boring.

It sounds so awful to say out loud though, doesn't it? Especially when there seems to be so many 'mumsy mums' who seem to get so much joy out of childrearing (I thought I would be one of them.....but so not).

I used to hate being alone in a room, but now I crave it. I seriously just feel like I want my DH and kids to 'ef off' every now and again and leave me alone to paint, or read, or whatever. Alone time is always so short and usually taken up with a mad catch-up with housework.

It's a cliché, but you've got to find ways to make the times you have with your child fulfilling for you. There are probably some activities you do with them that you find more interesting or bearable than others. Start to notice what bores you to the core and which make you feel slightly better. Get out of the house every day. It may be going out to a particular playgroup, or day trip (join stuff like National Trust, or other venues offering membership), or just really getting into some variety of craft/game that you can make more interesting.

Both of my kids have a good sense of humour because I am always turning things into silly games, and joking around with them. (I've got a 2yo and a 5yo). That works for me.

But yeah, life if generally less satisfying for me these days. Seeing my kids happy and fulfilled, and knowing that they will hopefully turn into balanced individuals because I put the effort in makes it worth it in the long-run though.

But he can look after his child at the weekend to give you some time on your own OP.

I don't understand, why woild you need to pay all the childcare? Surely it would come out of joint earnings and your husband would contribute?

Some people just aren’t cut out to be parents

I don't understand, why woild you need to pay all the childcare? Surely it would come out of joint earnings and your husband would contribute?

When did I say it did? It all goes in the same pot... I really don't understand responses like this. Forgive me if I'm being dim. If a family have for example £2k coming in, and childcare is 1k, they are left with 1k, half is £500 each. Of which again is in the same pot.

The stuff you have said is absolutely normal amongst me and my friends. It gets better when they're older and you can do more interesting stuff but he's of that age when everything is a bit dull. I'm sure when you're out and about enjoying your breastfeeding cuddles someone's looking on thinking you're super maternal.

It isn't financially doable for me to go back to work full time (I'll end up paying more in childcare) I think Bluntness was referring to that comment?

The argument that all of your salary will go on childcare only really works if you want to stay home, in that case working may well be pointless.

If you want to work but childcare costs will be equal to your salary it doesn’t matter. Household income will be the same and you’ll be happier.

I'm another who sucked up childcare costs for my own sanity. Our childcare bill has been over £60,000 in 7 years (2 kids, not including assistance) but in those 7 years my salary has doubled, in fact, not fair off tripled, due to the career progression I have made in those 7 years. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, look at the big picture, as a pp says if you want to work it's more about just the finances anyway. There were times we only made £200 surplus with me working full time, but you can't put a price on sanity!!!! Plus £200 isn't to be sniffed at anyway IMO.

Bertramkiddler

"Some people aren't cut out to be parents"

I think some people aren't cut out to be the parents they, and some judgey members of society, think they have to be.

This post was edited by MNHQ at the poster's request

Could you move house to reduce his commuting time and get closer to better paid opportunities for you?

Nothing wrong with both working full time and using childcare if you can reduce the commuting time.

Any chance one or both of you could WFH one or two days a week to ease the commuting?

I was the same, OP. I was fine the first few months where she was basically happy in the cot/pram, whatever, and gurgled happily to herself. Once she needed more interaction I really struggled - I'm shit at playing with her and really found motherhood boring and depressing for a few years. I thought I'd made a huge mistake. And then something happened... Around age three and a half, maybe four, it all started to get easier.

She can do so much more herself and I can just let her get on with it. Yes, she still demands attention but can be deflected and I have genuinely started to enjoy her company and being a mother. Full time school helps too!

I'm pregnant with number two now, something I also thought I wouldn't be able to cope with, but now the whole thing feels much more doable. I know that number one will be able to entertain number two through much of the stage I found so frustrating before. I shall also quite happily get number two into nursery part time as soon as I start feeling the serious, depressing boredom, and I won't feel guilty about it this time.

As it turned out I had PND and that was probably a large part of the problem, but I have also accepted that I'm not maternal in that way. I do not enjoy spending time doing childish things, pretend laughing at their jokes, indulging in pretend tea parties with dollies etc. I'd rather do anything else but all of that.

I know that makes me sound like I shouldn't have children but there are other aspects of parenting that I have come to understand I am good at - the organising, the disciplining, the explaining of adult concepts so that she can understand them, problem solving etc. When I was at the stage you are now I would never have realised this, I could never see a future where I could be good at or enjoy parenting and thought I'd ruined my life.

You just need to get through this mind numbingly boring stage, and if that means nursery and work, whether part time or full time, then that's what you do. Any activity to help you get through the day, do it. I've heard plenty of other mothers say the same thing. It's a stage, it's temporary, you'll get through it.

I think this is really good advice from usernamed

Start to notice what bores you to the core and which make you feel slightly better.

Hi @june. A lot of what you've written really resonates with me. I sort of got caught up in getting pregnant, without really being aware of the realities of what raising a child was like (is anyone ever truly aware? Maybe if they spend a lot of time with little ones...) my daughter is younger than your son but while I can look at her and be in awe of how adorable she is and how much I love her my overwhelming emotion at being a mother is boredom. The evenings when she's gone down (not that she stays down!) are the best part of my day. I went back to work when she was 5 months old to get some sanity back. I hope you get the job you've applied for, working really helped me not lose my mind.

When did I say it did? It all goes in the same pot... I really don't understand responses like this

You said it on the first page. You might not understand why I asked. I don't understand how you've forgotten already what you wrote and are rude.

It isn't financially doable for me to go back to work full time (I'll end up paying more in childcare

@Kit10 do grow up and stop throwing personal insults, it’s against talk guidelines btw.

When did I say it did? It all goes in the same pot... I really don't understand responses like this

Paying childcare is a short and long term decision to make. Yes your salary alone is one measure but what about future earnings? If you stay at home for years on the basis of costs now, do you rule yourself out of future earnings and make life financially harder for your family later down the line...

These children are both yours and your dh. Why is there the assumption that you and you alone will look after them!

Bertramkiddler

Who was insulting who? By all means if you are saying the OP isnt up for being a parent you can pop yourself in the observation I made. Telling me to grow up, but you think it's helpful to come onto a thread to tell a woman she's not up for being a parent? When she's already one...If you weren't, then there's no problem here is there? 

Also particularly vile using slang for female genitalia as an insult but that is by the by.

Bertramkiddler

Yes I'm the one knocking women down in this thread 🙄 whatever makes your unnecessary judgement on a fragile woman makes you feel better.

My judgement wasn’t on the woman!

And yes, you are!

So who was it on? You came onto a thread where a woman is at the end of her tether, to say some people shouldn't be parents? Please divulge the usefulness of this comment and how it could be taken as anything less than a criticism?

But as I said earlier, if you are not judging the op or other posters on their parental coping strategies, there isn't any need to take offence is there? I will apologise for my language, but not the point I'm making.

I totally don’t understand why people say “you wouldn’t pay all the childcare, DH would pay half”.

• I earn £1k and DH earns £1k and childcare costs £1k, my full salary goes on childcare and we have £1k left.

-We pay £500 childcare each, we’re left with £500 each and we have £1k left.

-If I don’t work, childcare is free so we have £1k left.

It literally makes no difference whether you class it as me paying the childcare or paying half each, THE MONEY WE HAVE LEFT IS THE SAME and we’re no better off for me working because the cost of childcare is equal to my salary.

Sput exactly that. In fact, if I go back to work and factor in commute end childcare, we will be even worse off since my salary wouldn't cover the childcare and the train fares. It'd eat up all of my salary and then some.

Which is why part time is the only real option, unless we moved closer to London/London itself with a higher rent but would save a bit of the extortionate commute prices.

But DH won't do that. He has a dog at his mum's that they jointly owed before he moved out and he won't leave him

Yes your salary alone is one measure but what about future earnings?
If I go back to work today I’ll get min wage. In five years time I’ll still be on min wage. Or I can stay at home for five years then go back to work and get the exact same job and the exact same min wage salary. I am no better or worse off regardless of when I go back to work. The “future earnings” argument only applies to the lucky people who can expect promotion and salary increases during those five years.