Being referred to as Mrs Husbands First Name & Surname

[EleanorLavish]

Not sure if I am phrasing this correctly. But say, for example my DH is called John Smith. And I am Mary Smith. I don't mind being referred to as Mr & Mrs Smith but I really, really hate being referred to as Mrs John Smith.
I know it was the correct way to address a married lady, but is it still so? And is it still considered the only 'correct way,' by etiquette standards?
I notice the school send mail as Mr & Mrs John Smith too.
Whats bugged me particularly is that I was sent a card by a good friend and she has addressed the card, which is solely for me, as Mrs John Smith.
I've told her before I don't like it but she is a real stickler for etiquette rules.

No place for that in this day and age. Do you cease to become a person in your own right once married. I'd complain to the school tbh.

I know!
But technically the school are correct as that is the correct way to address it. It absolutely grates on me though.

Correct be damned. It time that changed.

My understanding is that this is only correct if you don't know how the person you are addressing prefers to be known as.

So, if you've told all and sundry that you want to be Mary Smith, then other people are being incorrect in addressing you as "Mrs John Smith".

Thank you multicolour, that’s all I needed to hear.
How does one go about starting an etiquette change?!
Time for a revolution.

My late Mum once wrote me a cheque to Mrs [husband's first name] [married surname]. Pleasingly, the bank wouldn't pay let me pay it in. Although it insists still on sending joint correspondence to us about our joint account in HIS NAME then my name. Which is a joke as I am the money wrangler in our family.

It's sexist AF and pisses me right off.

It doesn’t bother me. I didn’t change my surname and still get called Mrs DH even though I’m technically Dr Sputnik. It has caused issues in the past because obviously I’m unable to produce ID with the name Mrs DH because she doesn’t exist.

Pleasingly DH sometimes gets mail from people who only know me, which is addressed to Mr Sputnik (because they know my surname and assume it’s his). Or I book something in my name and they call him Mr Sputnik

The worst is when I book something in my name and they automatically speak to him, because when there are two people of course the man must be the Dr

It's not "technically correct". It is simply one of many ways to address a letter, and a particularly archaic and offensive one at that.

How does one go about starting an etiquette change?!

Education. Threads like this. Every time it comes up on MN minds get changed as people start to think about it for the first time. People who have always used the archaic version because that’s what they were taught at school, or they believe it to be correct. When they think about it, or just discover how much lots of us detest it, they start to reconsider.

It’s changing. It just takes a long time.

I don’t find it offensive. I like it!

My DMum received a sympathy card when DDad died with the envelope addressed to "The Widow of Mr. DDad" - an etiquette step too far for the family.

I use my name rather than husband's. Bizarrely I got a birthday card addressed to Mrs DH from MIL. We've been married two years so she definitely knows. DH thinks she's just taking the P.

I quite like it. If I’m feeling the need to be particularly pompous, I use it to introduce myself 😂

It is a convention and would be considered “correct” in books of etiquette (and Tatler!). Fair enough if you don’t like it and don’t choose to use it/ask others not to use it when addressing you, but it’s similar to objecting to, say, the father of the bride giving her away. For many people it’s ingrained tradition.

I didn't change my name when I got married so I'm still Miss Jones and not Mrs Smith (obviously not our real names) Every single Christmas MIL's friend sends a card to Mrs John Smith.

It goes straight in the bin.

I would return it with "Mrs John Smith is not known at this address" written in red across it.

My aunt once refused to address a baby congratulations card to friends of mine as Dr John Smith and Dr Jane Jones because "the postman might think they aren't married".

Personally I avoid any sort of title unless it's absolutely necessary. Names are enough, whoever you are.

Didn't we discuss this only last week?

It's old fashioned and I rather like it 😁

@MiddlingMum, I never send one back but she still hasn't got the message.

Didn't we discuss this only last week?

I discuss the same thing all the time with my friends. And on here, there may be people around who weren't the first time.

I rather like it too.

It's one correct method, but it's not the only correct method.

And the considerate way is to use the name the person actually calls themself. Not what someone else thinks they should have chosen.

I hate it, archaic and sexist.

All you women that say you like it...what planet are you from?

I'm Dr. When married I was Dr Bertie Jones-Smith and he was John Jones-Smith............ I hated the cards that came to Mrs Bertie and Dr John Jones-Smith or even worse Dr Jones and Mrs John Jones -they got told.......