Being referred to as Mrs Husbands First Name & Surname

[EleanorLavish]

Not sure if I am phrasing this correctly. But say, for example my DH is called John Smith. And I am Mary Smith. I don't mind being referred to as Mr & Mrs Smith but I really, really hate being referred to as Mrs John Smith.
I know it was the correct way to address a married lady, but is it still so? And is it still considered the only 'correct way,' by etiquette standards?
I notice the school send mail as Mr & Mrs John Smith too.
Whats bugged me particularly is that I was sent a card by a good friend and she has addressed the card, which is solely for me, as Mrs John Smith.
I've told her before I don't like it but she is a real stickler for etiquette rules.

PS the school call me Dr Smith, it would be offensive not to.

I use Ms MySurname just to really hammer the point home that just because we’re married, I am not an attachment or a possession.
It’s also a handy way to quickly differentiate what mail I need to read & what can be binned.

I am pleased to say in 23 years of marriage, I have never encountered it.

Horribly archaic - belongs in the dark ages.

Personally I like being addressed like that, but I do believe in addressing people as they would like. Most of my friends are traditional like me though so it’s never been an issue.

I never changed my name and was married 12 years ago. We have DS8 &6. School secretary still calls me Mrs Husbands name despite much paperwork that doesn't support this. Thankfully, the new (female) head is very particular and refers to me by my actual name.

I feel like I should make it an issue only because if I call up, I want them to know who I am!

I'm known an Ms MaidenName and husband as Mr HisSurname. I would be really peed off to be referred to as anything other than my name. I think it's like being called the wrong first name... If your name is Jane and someone insists on calling you Sarah, you'd be pretty annoyed!

School's really need to get this right for emergency contacts - if they phoned my work and asked to speak to Mrs DHsurname they'd probably get told they had a wrong number.

Never happened to me but can't say I'd be bothered if it did!

Dated and sexist to me.
Mrs Last name fine. Not Mrs his name last name.

my mother complained about this 30 years ago so i agree, it was correct, now it risks causing offence so it is no longer the safest address.

It's a bit odd for a school to do it. What do they do if the parents aren't married.

Im a single parent and i had the school send a letter to mr dc's sur name. I told the office. It happened again! 2nd time i was really annoyed because as i had never told them there was a mr dc's sur name, how did they know he wasnt deceased?
What had i ever communicated to them to make them send him a letter at my address?! After id paid the voluntary contributions for a decade!

It's archaic and sexist to expect women to change their name at all. If you want a revolution, OP, we could start there.

No hate it, I don't think it's ever happened to me. I get Dear Sirs at work a lot and that ticks me off, I know it's still standard in some sectors/areas, but not to me!

Itk

I agree, I married quite young before I thought these things through, if I could go back in time I would either keep my name or double barrel. But no way in hell am I changing my name again, I'm not an angry enough feminist to go through that admin again haha!!

Apparently (according to a friend), letters from the Queen now come addresses to Mrs Mary Smith rather than Mrs John Smith. If it’s good enough for the Queen then I think we can all make the change!

Just to add another viewpoint: I’ve always addressed it as Mr and Mrs J. Smith (with just the man’s initial, rather than full name), as I thought that was the proper way to do it so that couples could be easily distinguished - I.e. this is for the young Mr and Mrs Smith and not John’s parents. Admittedly, this seems a bit pointless now couples don’t really live together, but this is the reason I was taught to do it - nothing to do with sexist ownership! Oh and I certainly wouldn’t address someone this way if they hadn’t actually changed their name, that’s just a dick move

My MlL addresses cards like this! Personally it doesn't really bother me from the elder generation, it's just how things used to he done. I would be a bit if I started getting official correspondence like this though....school should know better.

I think "Mrs" was traditionally used to mean "wife of"- it's a title, not to be confused with a name. If I were alive today, my name would be Ms Clara Wieck, for instance, and my title would be Mrs Robert Schumann, (though I think I would have chosen not to use my title).

I can't help thinking that people who are deeply offended by sexist anachronisms should hold on to their own names and not adopt their husband's surname. However, I think the most important thing is to call people by the names they prefer.

I really really hate this. I use my maiden name at work at married name for other purposes so am happy with any combination of Mrs/Dr maiden/married name but I hate it if they use DH's first name. Also happy to be Mr & Mrs or Dr & Dr but not Dr & Mrs...

I kept my birth surname, and am perfectly happy to be addressed as Mrs John Smith as long as the man (if it is a man) addressing me is prepared to be called Mr Jane Jones, and I would probably do so.

The whole thing is ridiculous and archaic.

And it is so obviously incongruous in the light of sex equality that I am surprised people don't just stop in their tracks.

Completely agree that it's sexist. I'm single, but I'd hate to think that if I got married, I'd lose my identity in the eyes of society and just be seen as John Smith's wife.

It's good enough for Mrs Jack Brooksbank.

THANK YOU! I just got a letter addressed that way today for the first time in years and was really bugged by it. Glad I’m not the only one.

I quite like it too, it's traditional.
I did panic yesterday when I got a letter addressed to Mr & Mrs DH Dinosaur though, I thought from the formality it was another bloody wedding invite. Relieved to find just a thank you card.