SIL walked out because of MIL

[Moneydoesntgrowontrees]

SIL has turned up at our house in a state because MIL crossed boundaries yet again (let herself into her house while SIL and BIL were at work). Her family don’t live near and anyway she needs to go to work tomorrow, so she came to us.

She knows I have the same problems with MIL (we’re married to brothers, MIL’s sons) but my DH is understanding and refuses to let MIL have a key. BIL lets his mother do anything she wants for an easy life.

Except it isn’t easy anymore because SIL has walked out.

DH not in from work yet. It’s going to hit the fan when BIL/MIL finds out SIL is here. She’s really in a state, says she’s leaving BIL (no children).

Any advice?

Oh good for her, I can only sympathise and I'm afraid it doesn't get any better unless the dh is on board.

I have a MIL like this, an interfering bully.

I remember coming home from work and finding she'd removed plants from my garden and replanted flowers of her choice, gone through my laundry basket and did my washing , stripped our bed and washed the sheets, cleaned the house. It used to make me beyond furious. It's all about her need for control and disrespect masked as 'help'.

It's only help if the person asks for it or is struggling. This was all about her marking her territory in my home. The arguments it would cause between me and dh were ridiculous, he always said 'she means well' etc.

No, you don't do that in another woman's home. It's rude. Your SIL is better off out of it now if her dh is not on side.

The worst thing they could do is have a child together that this woman also takes over with. That's a whole other story!!

I'm glad for SIL that she has a friend like you. Sounds like BIL is still prioritising his mother even now.

Oh wow, you and your husband (and you SIL!) sound awesome! Before his last straw, my DH was very much a "put up with her" kind of son. It's wonderful that your husband is on board -he sounds brilliant. So so many let their precious mummys get away with everything and anything. I hope your SIL will be ok - she's lucky to have a friend/SIL in you :)

Lweji Yes, years ago DH had arguments with his mother about boundaries. BIL didn't do the same, I don’t know why not. MIL still causes us problems because she tells lies to get her own way and it’s tiring having to question everything.

I agree that you need to remain impartial here and that there is very obviously far more to this than meets the eye.

As irritating as it must obviously be, the MIL purely having a key and letting herself in is not such a huge deal that it would warrant the SIL packing up and leaving while her husband is out and not wanting him to know where she is.

I would imagine that when the DH speaks to his brother he will have a vastly different story to tell. Be careful not to get caught in the middle.

Thanks all.

Failingat40 she took out your plants?

Does SIL have find friends or similar on her phone, so BIL might know where she is?

SummerGems I can assure you if my MIL had done this it would have been a leaving matter if my DP had supported her. Once would have been enough. I'd imagine many would agree.

Plus we know the whole story
OP has explained how her MIL behaves and how her BIL allows it. There is no "other side" to this story. Of course there will be other issues, but this is clearly the main one . And this latest unwanted visit by MIL isbthe straw to break the camel's back.

ineedaholidaynow Good point, I’ll ask her tonight.

Failingat40 she took out your plants?

Yup. She carried on doing it in every house/garden we had for the last 17 years!!

She seems to treat our garden like some kind of allotment. My dh has repeatedly told her she can come but not to remove or cut plants yet she still did.

This, along with many other issues has resulted in us cutting contact with her this year. She just can't give us our place. We have moved home and she doesn't know the address and won't be setting foot over the door step.

No one can say 17 years wasn't enough of s warning.

Yes it’s definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back, SIL said this herself. I think it’s about respect and bullying, not just MIL treating their home as her own.

I would find it hard to respect a man who couldn't draw the line with an overbearing mother.

It's absolutely about respect. Bil is showing his wife none.
Let's say they get divorced, Bil still won't change.
Failing@40 wow !

SummerGems my MIL is incredibly controlling and seemed to think she was literally part of our marriage. She was always crossing boundaries such as opening personal letters written to DH. She was always trying to get us to give her a key, which we refused.

We have been very happily married for 22 years. If we let her get her way she would've destroyed our relationship. She is divorced and has a long history of broken relationships with friends and relatives.

The DIL in this scenario has had enough and I don't blame her, she is entitled to her privacy and boundaries around her marriage. If her DH is incapable of standing up to his mother then their marriage is in crisis.

Noone wants anyone else, especially their MIL running their life.

SIL rang BIL today, said she was owed leave and was taking it to think about stuff. He didn’t ask where she was staying .

No doubt we’ll hear over the weekend from BIL and/or MIL (MIL won’t know about SIL or she would have rung around the family by now) but SIL is going to her parents.

He really doesn't give a damn. Good luck to your Sil

IdaBWells MIL opened DH’s mail (delivered to her from when he lived in her house). He changed the address with the Royal Mail but some slipped through.

Redshoeblueshoe I don’t think he does either. I think this is a stand off and he’ll assume she’ll be back. Stupid man.

I wish your SIL all the luck.

Her dh obviously doesn’t give two shits about her as long as mummy dearest is happy

Sounds as though BIL couldn't give two hoots OP..

Well I hope she buggers off on holiday.

SIL has done the right thing. It's a waste of a life to live like that. Stupid bil for not listening.

DH announced this morning that BIL had rung him yesterday .

He hadn’t thought to say .

Anyway, DH said he was driving so didn’t talk for long, just chatted about nothing. BIL didn’t mention SIL at all.

I suppose DH forgetting means he doesn’t see it as a big deal. To him it’s simple... SIL is staying with us (was, she’s going to her parents after work) and his brother ringing up is a completely different thing. I don’t think he thinks of them as an entity, but as separate people iyswim!

As for BIL, he never rings DH to “chat”, so he was either testing DH, bored and wanting company, or wanting to say something about SIL but backed out. DH says I’m overthinking and he just wanted a chat.

Nope!

As lovely as your dh sounds, he doesn’t see the bigger picture does he

Now that SIL is leaving him, is BIL going to want your company more?

ohfourfoxache He does not! It’s probably just as well, he wouldn't cope !

Never thought of BIL wanting more company, bet you are right.