SIL walked out because of MIL

[Moneydoesntgrowontrees]

SIL has turned up at our house in a state because MIL crossed boundaries yet again (let herself into her house while SIL and BIL were at work). Her family don’t live near and anyway she needs to go to work tomorrow, so she came to us.

She knows I have the same problems with MIL (we’re married to brothers, MIL’s sons) but my DH is understanding and refuses to let MIL have a key. BIL lets his mother do anything she wants for an easy life.

Except it isn’t easy anymore because SIL has walked out.

DH not in from work yet. It’s going to hit the fan when BIL/MIL finds out SIL is here. She’s really in a state, says she’s leaving BIL (no children).

Any advice?

YOU tel her off then, it's very liberating telling off Mothers ...I do know that! :D I had to do that for my SIL when my bro was unwell. My MIL is too sweet and kind to tell off, apart from hiding when she is not well.

Or bil needs to change the locks. Is there form for him giving in to mil?

What did mil actually do?

Suggest you, DH, BIL and SIL talk about this together and try to help BIL see that boundaries need to be set, before any confrontation with MIL.

Sorry for the late update, we’ve talked for hours. DH totally on board bless him, he knows what MIL is like. He’s usually a bit “oh just ignore her” about MIL most of the time but is shocked that SIL has walked out so I think realises now that ignoring doesn’t cut it.

SIL is staying with us until she can get leave from work. She’s going in tomorrow to sort it out. BIL has rung and texted her (quite late, it was nearly 11 before he bothered or realised she was “missing”) and on DH’s advice she replied (DH thought BIL might log her as a missing person if not) saying she wasn’t going back tonight. He didn’t ask were she was and obviously she didn’t say.

To those asking what MIL did/does. She let herself in to SIL’s house even though she has been asked not to go in without permission and knows it causes trouble. Basically she’s always had a key for BIL’s place before he was married and used to go in and clean, do his laundry. She continued to do it even after SIL moved in. SIL is sick of leaving in the mornings wondering if MIL is going to go through their mail or cupboards and hiding stuff that is personal. BIL seems to think it doesn’t matter. BIL is an idiot.

SIL is adamant she has has enough and is talking about going back to live where her family live. This has obviously been going on for a long time (married two years). MIL tried interfering with us but she’s never had a key to our place (never had a key to anywhere DH has lived either) and DH shuts her down. We embarrassed her about a year ago when she told people we would be at a family party that we had no intention of going to (DH couldn’t get time off work) and found out that she’d promised that DH would mend someone’s computer and all sorts. DH and MIL had a big row about that and she backed off a bit.

It sounds like your SIL is doing the right thing. It’s bad enough having a mil like that but it’s even worse when your dh/dw doesn’t back you up

Posted too soon..

SIL has told some horror stories tonight (she once went home and MIL was sitting in her house with a visiting uncle having let herself in, moved the washing and made tea) and BIL didn’t think itvdtrange. They’ve had real fights about it. I didn’t realise it had got that bad.

I wonder how long it will be before BIL tells DH that SIL has gone? DH doesn’t think BIL will think she’s come here which is good, rather not have him turn up. DH thinks that he’ll think she’s gone to a hotel and I think so too because SIL did it before about a year ago apparently. It shows how at the end of her tether she is now as she did t tell anyone last time she’s walked out, now she doesn’t care who knows.

Thanks for helping everyone. I was in a bit of a panic when SIL turned up because I had visions of BIL and MIL descending on my house and causing a scene! Until I’d written it down it didn’t occur to me that we simply had to not tell anyone she was here and they wouldn’t come!

Holy fuck

Your poor SIL, not surprised she’s walked out

MIL marking her territory like a tomcat and BIL is lapping it up. I don’t understand these guys who say it’s a quiet life when their wife is clearly miserable with MIL interfering like this. Surely it’s not quiet when the woman they live with is so unhappy.

Meddling MIL scoring points off her DIL - bloody cow! I'd never feel ike I could walk around naked or have sex without blockading the front door

I would hate to feel like my home wasn't my home. My in laws have a key but almost only ever use it when we know it if they are dropping of something for the kids or picking something up from us while we are at work.

Occasionally we get home to find they have dropped something off without saying ie Easter eggs for the kids. I'm not fond of them coming without saying first as I like to try and have a tidy round first! It doesn't bother me enough to say anything. I do get annoyed when she brings the post in. It can be a couple of days before we spot it as she puts it face down in random places.

We’re all so tired today.

SIL got to work ok, no sign of BIL or anything. Doesn’t seem to be making an effort to tell her to come back.

SIL is a star. Cool calm and collected this morning, I think she’s made her mind up she’s had enough.

Just got to get through the day without falling asleep now!

Your SIL is a star, and the best thing she did was not having children and recognising she could not live with the situation any longer.

Interesting that BIL does not seem to be fighting very hard to get her back. Perhaps mummy is more important after all?

Best of luck to your SIL I hope she will go on to have a happy and healthy new life and relationship.

I'm so god your SIL is OK. But so sad that her husband is such a pathetic twat :(
He's not fighting for her. That must feel awful.

I hope someone really rips into him and the MIL.
Hope they are very happy together. They can now spend as much time together as they want.

Well done for supporting your sil, OP. It sounds like she's been living in a horribly unhappy situation. I don't understand your bil at all. Would he rather be married to his mum???

Glad SIL is ok... sorry you’re exhausted. BIL sounds like a giant manbaby who needs and wants to go back to mummy anyway.

Just caught up with the thread, but poor SIL.

If she had not walked out previously, I would suggest she changed the locks and told her OH that if he gave a key to MIL that then she'd walk out.
As it is, it does look like he was on his last chance already.

I assume that MIL was aware that SIL didn't like her going in, so was she trying to sabotage the marriage, or did she think SIL (her DIL) was just going to put up with it?

Honestly, I would try to stay impartial here as there will be deeper issues in the marriage. He seems not to care as well. I'd suspect this marriage is ending for more reasons than the mother in law.

For example, I came home yesterday afternoon and my husband who works from home was out. I called him to see where he was. If you wait till 11 pm at night to even ask the question, and don't even ask where your spouse is, then I'd say there was bigger issues here.

There has to be more. SIL's husband hasn't even missed her? How weird is the dynamic between these two normally OP?

What she really has is a husband problem, of course. Not MIL, strictly.

You have the same MIL, but your OH doesn't let her interfere with your lives.

I agree that you should stay impartial. She may change her mind later, and in any case, there's no point in being drawn into arguments between your ILs.

There has to be more. SIL's husband hasn't even missed her

This is my thought, and I don't think she necessarily has a husband problem either, becayse we are only hearing her side, third hand.

I know if I didnt come home unexpectedly my husband would check I was ok well before 11 pm and when he did he'd ask where I was and check I was safe, the fact her husband didn't, says there is a significant problem in the marriage and it's highly unlikely to be just his mother pops in unannounced.

I was surprised that BIL hadn’t rung earlier as well but SIL said he may have gone for a meal or drink after work or presumed she had. I tend to know roughly where DH is all the time but I suppose not everyone is like that (and written down like that, it seems a bit stalkerish that I do!)

This is SIL’s story not mine but I think she has had it bad. I was going to say she’s not as strong as me at sticking up for herself, but she is, she’s done it. But I think it was an accumulative thing. I don’t think this time was worse than the others, just the last straw.

Your poor sister in law. This is the reason I won't let my MIL have a key.

I know how she feels. I've had plenty of times where I've wanted to hide with BIL (We're married to a brother and sister) and just not deal with it anymore.

I think you SIL has done the right thing coming to you for some space and to calm down. She then needs to assert what she wants. That's her home too and noone should have to feel like that regarding their personal space.

Hope your SIL is doing ok