Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Step mum bathing WITH step daughter.

65 replies

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 08:21

Hello, i am just wondering what people’s opinions are and what they would do if they was in my situation.

My dd has a VERY good relationship with her dad and stepmum and in fairness I have done everything possible to ensure this happens. When my dd dad was away In the army I made sure that she kept that bond with her stepmum by asking her to have dd at times even without her dad there. They were serious and getting married so I did what was best for dd.

Everything is good between the ex and I and also his partner and my partner and the whole thing is amicable for dd sake. (Something I am beyond proud of)

I have never told dd step mum she can’t do this or that with my dd and kept myself out of the time she has with her dad as I am aware families are different and that includes dds family time with me and also family time with her dad.

However, my dd has been telling me recently that she has baths WITH her step mum and that her step mum doesn’t have any clothes on (which you don’t in the bath obviously)
I just don’t know how to feel about it. I’ve never had a problem with her bathing my dd but the thought of her being IN the bath with her, to me that feels like she has oversteps the boundaries.
I guess I want to know, I’m I over reacting by getting so upset and angry by this? I haven’t approached this with dd dad or step mum just yet.

Sorry it is long and thank you for reading x

OP posts:

Toomanytoremember · 10/10/2018 08:22

How old is dd?

Whitegrenache · 10/10/2018 08:29

Depends on age of dd and how she feels about this?

TooTrueToBeGood · 10/10/2018 08:29

Nudity is one of those things that most people are very black and white about. Whichever side of the spectrum one sits on we should remember that neither side is right or wrong, we just differ in opinion. If you do approach the DSM about it, no matter how you word it, you're probably going to come across as implying she's being sexually inappropriate. That could destroy your relationship with her and your ex and would also impact your DD. It doesnt sound like you think anything like that is going on so why go there? If your DD is happy and you've had appropriate conversations with her to assure yourself there is no abuse then I would leave it and just accept that DSM has a more liberal attitude to nudity than you. You've done an excellent job dealing with your relationship with her. You should be commended for that and it will be a massive positive factor in your DDs life, don't undo all that good work lightly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Whitegrenache · 10/10/2018 08:30

Yes congrats for creating a great relationship between you all
X

AfterSchoolWorry · 10/10/2018 08:31

What age is your dd ?

gamerchick · 10/10/2018 08:57

How old is she?

Original poster

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 09:25

DD is 5 years old now.
I understand that nudity is very black and white but I haven’t bathed with my dd since she was 3 and I started to teach her that her body is private.
I am not saying that people that still bath with their children are wrong as this is my own personal view on it and like I mentioned that every family work differently. I know 100% that there is nothing sexual about it but this is where I feel there at certain boundaries. I don’t get naked in front of my little girl because I want to teach her how her body is private and I know that bath time is playful. I personally don’t think it would have affected me this way if step mum maybe had a cozzy or bikini on.

This is why I posted on here because I don’t want to create drama where it is not necessarily needed but at the same time I don’t particularly feel comfortable with dd step mom bathing with her like that. I don’t want to say anything to make her feel down or awkward.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/10/2018 09:25

What's your actual concern here?

Original poster

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 09:28

Can I also state that dd now has 2 brothers. One by me and her step dad and one by her dad and Stepmum. We both include the others babies in activity’s as they are both still her brothers. We attend school meetings together etc and are very much a secure network for dd so I do not want to destroy any of this at all.

OP posts:

verite · 10/10/2018 09:35

Gosh - difficult. I have a much more liberal attitude towards nudity than you and have no problem with my kids seeing me naked (as I did my parents). However it is different with step parents and I think she has to respect your boundaries. I don’t think she has necessarily done anything wrong if she was not aware of your feelings but I think if you are so uncomfortable about it, you should raise it in a completely non confrontational way. Perhaps on the basis that although you are not saying anything wrong with it, it is mixed messages and therefore confusing for DD?

autumnleaves1234 · 10/10/2018 09:39

I don't think there's anything wrong it just seems so unnecessary to be in the bath with a 5 year old. Just why? DD still showers with her similar age child but that's because they have no bath and he's not quite mature enough to shower himself. When he's here he's alone in the bath with supervision

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/10/2018 09:39

Your views on privacy are obviously clouding this situation. If you're not comfortable with her stepmum bathing with DD then you have to speak to your exH. It probably will cause some upset but that's the risk you will have to take I guess.

Is DD happy to bath with her?

Heratnumber7 · 10/10/2018 09:42

I think I was probably sharing the occasional bath with my father at 5. I certainly saw him naked, and having a wee.

What is your concern? That DD will get to know what an adult female body looks like?

Original poster

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 09:43

Stuff like this is hard for me to even word without sounding like I’m having an issue. There is definitely nothing wrong with having a liberal attitude to nudity around children and I’ve explained to dd that her body is private but if she hurt or worried then it’s okay to show certain people (not even step father) and that she can also tell and show dsm. I’m not angry at step mum as a subject like this has never had to be brought up but I don’t know how to go about approaching it without sounding like I’m nit picking because I’m really not but I feel that as her mum I have given dd step mum a lot of freedom with dd like she was her own and I am thankful that dd has another person to love her etc but if I, her mum does not bath with her then I don’t believe that her step mum should either. At least my naked.

I’m really sorry and I am trying to word this the best I can without sounding like a total B

OP posts:

Original poster

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 09:52

Can I just mention, I haven’t really spoken to dd properly about it. It was brought up this morning just before school so it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to discuss with her at that time and I don’t think I want to say anything to her about it because she is 5 and I don’t want her to feel like she has caused any upset. I understand this is a personal issue to me and I’m neither right or wrong and dd step mum is neither right or wrong either.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/10/2018 09:54

I don’t know how to go about approaching it without sounding like I’m nit picking because I’m really not but I feel that as her mum I have given dd step mum a lot of freedom with dd like she was her own and I am thankful that dd has another person to love her etc but if I, her mum does not bath with her then I don’t believe that her step mum should either. At least my naked

But there's no reason why you shouldn't be bathing with your 5 year old DD. It's your choice not to. If you're not happy then all you can do is talk to your exH, I expect this will rock the boat somewhat but if you feel that strongly then you will have to cope with that.

Cjngs · 10/10/2018 10:02

I wouldn’t like that at all and ask the stepmom to stop. Your daughter is telling you because she doesn’t like it. You need to put your dd before hurting sm feelings. If your dd didn’t mind she’d not have added and she has no clothes on. There is no reason on earth for a sm to get in a bath with a 5 yo. It’s strange to dd because you don’t so she is asking you why does sm. long term this will be a memory as we remember things that stand out after age of 4.
Do you really want you dd to see her sm private parts? Bloody weird

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/10/2018 10:07

Your daughter is telling you because she doesn’t like it

Really? On what do you base such a statement on?

Randomusername01 · 10/10/2018 10:08

Has your dd expressed that she does not like bathing with dsm? If not, your not really in a position to say anything that isn't basically you trying to impose your rules or way of thinking in your exdp's house, and that's just going to cause unneeded animosity and could start off a tit for tat argument . You have said that your 100% sure it's not sexual, so it does just come down to different parenting. Also I assume your exdp has no problems that your dd is bathing with sm so it's a case of his house, his rules. Why ruin what appears to be very close/good relationships over something that isn't doing your dd any harm?

Redken24 · 10/10/2018 10:11

I wouldn't like that either,I suppose you could do a reverse and see what the opinions would be then.

DownAndUnder · 10/10/2018 10:12

There have been a few threads like this in the past and people usually think it’s fine, not sure they would if it was a step dad.... I wouldn’t like it.

Original poster

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 10:15

Thank you so much for commenting, as now I’ve been able to get the opinions and feelings from both sides of this as obviously before I was so one minded. That being the reason I took to creating this rather than just approaching dd dad and causing drama. I understand that I don’t really agree with what some people have said and they don’t agree with my view point and that I respect because it is a situation like this that you need to hear both sides and weigh up pros&cons.
So again thank you for taking time to comment and help me with this. It is much appreciated

OP posts:

MinaPaws · 10/10/2018 10:17

From you rpost, it sounds as htough your main concern is that your daughter has mentioned it, and that she may be, in a five year old's way, trying to either tell you she doesn't like it or check out whether it's OK by you, given that you prefer privacy.
People have different instinctive states on this. If your daughter takes after you and feels more comfortable with privacy than shared bathing, she needs to know it's OK to express this.
Can you ask her, next time she has a bath? "You know you sometimes have a bath with yoru stepmum and she has no clothes on. Is that OK for you?" Check her epression. If she looks confused, say 'Some people would find that nice and cosy and some people would find that embarassing and a bit yucky. It just depends what sort of person you are. What do you think? Embarassing and yucky or nice and cosy?"
That way she has the freedom to give an honest answer without feeling there's a 'right' answer. if she thinks it's yucky, have a word with them and tell them she takes after you. She's naturally private and has mentioned to you that she'd prefer a bath alone. She's definitely old enough to choose.

CherryPavlova · 10/10/2018 10:20

I can’t see an issue.
I think teaching that bodies are private is a recipe for later problems- maybe teach that you get to choose who you show your body to and who may touch you. As she gets older, teach about good and bad touches but nudity and sexuality are very different. It’s good to be comfortable with our bodies.
Would you not let a five year old splash naked in the sea on a unexpectedly hot day?

Enb76 · 10/10/2018 10:21

I think it's perfectly ok to feel a bit funny about this. We all have our personal boundaries and it just so happens that yours and the SM's are a little different. The question is whether you're ok with your daughter learning slightly different boundaries to you, one where nakedness is a bit more liberal? It's fine if you don't and you feel uncomfortable but in that case you will need to have a chat with the SM.

It doesn't have to be awkward, you can simply say that you are a little less liberal about nudity than she is and it makes you feel uncomfortable that she bathes naked with your daughter when it's something that you as her mother wouldn't do and would she mind not doing it. Make it clear that you don't think anything untoward is going on.

On the plus side - you have done such a magnificent job that the SM is utterly comfortable with your child as part of her family so probably hasn't given it any thought at all.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread