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Original poster

Step mum bathing WITH step daughter.

65 replies

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 08:21

Hello, i am just wondering what people’s opinions are and what they would do if they was in my situation.

My dd has a VERY good relationship with her dad and stepmum and in fairness I have done everything possible to ensure this happens. When my dd dad was away In the army I made sure that she kept that bond with her stepmum by asking her to have dd at times even without her dad there. They were serious and getting married so I did what was best for dd.

Everything is good between the ex and I and also his partner and my partner and the whole thing is amicable for dd sake. (Something I am beyond proud of)

I have never told dd step mum she can’t do this or that with my dd and kept myself out of the time she has with her dad as I am aware families are different and that includes dds family time with me and also family time with her dad.

However, my dd has been telling me recently that she has baths WITH her step mum and that her step mum doesn’t have any clothes on (which you don’t in the bath obviously)
I just don’t know how to feel about it. I’ve never had a problem with her bathing my dd but the thought of her being IN the bath with her, to me that feels like she has oversteps the boundaries.
I guess I want to know, I’m I over reacting by getting so upset and angry by this? I haven’t approached this with dd dad or step mum just yet.

Sorry it is long and thank you for reading x

OP posts:

NWQM · 10/10/2018 10:23

If your relationship is good with your DD’s step mum could you just explain that you’ve had to start having the chat with your DD about body privacy and could she help reinforce it / feed back if there are any issues. Perhaps it will open up an discussion about how things are at their house. 5 is still very young and it might be that the step mum hasn’t really thought about changing the routine. A lot depends on how you daughter told you ie did seem to enjoy that time or was it ‘its wierd but...’

BestZebbie · 10/10/2018 10:25

I think you need to mention it - it doesn't have to be sexual or tied up with the step mums nudity-appropriate relationship with your ex, emotionally - sometimes people just aren't in a relationship where nudity is appropriate!
For example, I love my MIL and she is a close family member - but if she came to visit and wandered around my house naked I'd be bringing her a dressing gown asap.

FunSponges · 10/10/2018 10:26

Of course it's inappropriate. I don't know anyone in RL who would think this is ok. It wouldn't be ok for a step dad and it isn't ok for a step mum either, or any family member who isn't the parent.

It's not even necessary and has nothing to do with her seeing a naked female. Seeing someone with no clothes on is massively different to being naked together and in such close proximity. That is the issue.

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Families

Littlechocola · 10/10/2018 10:26

What does your dd think?

HoppingPavlova · 10/10/2018 10:28

It’s a difficult one. I was definitely having baths with my kids at that age (both sexes), plus showers. They wanted to bath/shower with me. They also showered with DH. So I don’t think there is necessarily anything odd in that regard, their household seems to do things differently I guess. If your child is not happy about it then it is a problem though but I couldn’t get a sense from your OP whether this is the case or not?

As for nudity, mine are still subjected to seeing DH and myself doing the nudie run to and from the bathroom. We don’t faff around leaving wet towels lying around the bedroom while getting dressed and having to take them back to the bathroom. If they don’t like it they can always move out (now a young adult and teenager) but they have grown up this way so don’t see anything odd about it and do their own nudie runs on a frequent basis. If I had a stepchild I would not stop my nudie run.

BobLemon · 10/10/2018 10:29

It’s not something we do deliberately, but if we’re pushed for time, I still shower with my DSD12 and she always chats to me when I’m getting changed. The TDSS10 do as well!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/10/2018 10:32

How long has the step mum been in DDs life?

lunar1 · 10/10/2018 10:32

You are allowed to be uncomfortable about this without having to justify exactly why. Someone who is not a parent should not be bathing naked with your five year old. I would ask your husband to stop it happening.

If he doesn't agree, ask him how he would feel about a partner of yours bathing naked with her. You wouldn't be expected to justify yourself here if this was a male step parent.

lunar1 · 10/10/2018 10:33

That should have said ex husband

Original poster

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 10:34

I will ask dd how she feels on it and then go from there. If she doesn’t mind it I will just leave it and maybe try and take a different outlook on it myself and try and find that right balance in my own house.
If I feel she has any issues herself or confusion then I will appraoch it the best I can with dsm.

Thank you everyone for the replies

OP posts:

LittleLightbulb · 10/10/2018 10:35

Someone who is not a parent should not be bathing naked with your five year old.

I agree with this. I wouldn't bathe with my 6 year old DSD.

hamabr86 · 10/10/2018 10:37

I'm a stepmum and I have found this really tricky. Initially I didn't want them to see me naked at all but DP was insistent I didn't give them body issues and would just bring them in the bathroom when I was in there anyway (whether I wanted him to or not ) I got used to it eventually so it didn't bother me. I've started telling the older one who is now 5 years old that she is probably too old to see me naked now and to knock on the door though.

I'm not really sure why she would need to be in the bath with her though? Surely it's just uncomfortable? Maybe just casually mention that you think now is the age to start phasing out nudity? TBH I'd be over the moon if dp's ex told us this so I could have a peaceful shower!

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 10/10/2018 10:38

This is such an interesting subject. My DD aged 11 still jumps in a bath with me (annoying) but then I have always been comfortable being naked around her.
I completely understand why one wouldn’t feel happy with their DD sharing a bath with a stepmother, especially as they themselves have stopped.
Be really honest with SM, tell her how you feel and have a direct conversation with her - not your exDH.
She probably hasn’t even considered that you don’t bathe with your DD, as all of us are raised around nudity differently. And neither individual is “wrong”.

Ratbagcatbag · 10/10/2018 10:38

Could it be that her stepmum is actually bathing with the younger brother and your daughter is getting in as she’s missing out on the fun?
Just based on you not having much more information at the moment.
I can see why it’s a strange one for you, I have a 5yo and I walk around naked in front of her, she climbs into my bed nearly every night and I sleep naked too, but I can see how I’d feel a bit off about a stepmum doing it too.
I’m on the fence really. Especially as you have a brilliant relationship otherwise.

Robin2323 · 10/10/2018 10:39

Good answer minipaws.

Me and daughter were comfortable around each other naked till she left home at 19.

My son , bless him covered up in front of very early

Can't even remember?? 10 ??

My husband told me it would be advisable for me to do the same as not to embarrass him

So I did out of respect.

They're all different.

I think your daughter has reached this stage.

So a few questions will confirm that.

Bet step mum will be fine.

I had 2 step sons

Got on well with ex most of the time.

We moved house and instead of having all 3 boys in one room
We had the eldest one - on a sofa bed in with the girl.

So he was 13 and 7

Exw was embarrassed to ask we did not do this. Was apologetic even and said she couldn't explain why.

I instantly assured her that I respected her view and both slept on the dinning room instead.

I'm sure she will be more than happy to accommodate you.

Notjustanyone · 10/10/2018 10:39

Once you start teaching them privacy and the pants rule it's time to stop bathing with your kids. There's nothing wrong with nudity but sharing a small space naked with a child is actually incredibly confusing for a child because you are saying 'your bits are private blah blah blah' and then you hop in the bath with them and all privacy has gone out the window.

Fraula · 10/10/2018 10:39

I have nothing to add that hasn't been said, but I want to say how much I admire your attitude to ensuring your daughter has a good relationship with her stepmother, and also how refreshing it is to see someone responding positively to different perspectives!

Robin2323 · 10/10/2018 10:41

Just to daughter was in her own bed and step son had separate sofa bed 😳

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 10/10/2018 10:44

@Notjustanyone you see I disagree with you. You can absolutely teach your child about physical boundaries and areas no one else may touch, but as a parent, i would be devastated if my DDdidn’t feel comfortable telling or showing me anything!!

I will add, i ask to join her when she is in the bath, but she always gets into mine........

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 10/10/2018 10:46

Urgh jumbled last sentence:
I never ask to get into a bath with her, but she always wants to join me.

I shower 97% of the time now

Randomusername01 · 10/10/2018 10:51

@frankunderwoodswife ds is nearly 8 and still thinks me going for a shower is an automatic invite for him too 😂😂 it's alright ds I'll just stand in the corner and get cold 😁

KittyPerry77 · 10/10/2018 10:54

There is no need for an adult to share a bath with a five year old. It's unhygienic and makes boundaries less clear cut.

Josiebloggs · 10/10/2018 10:56

I wouldn't like it, I think its overstepping boundaries and you need to address it in a reasonable way. People do not bath with other peoples children, I wouldn't with neices, nephews, friends children. If SM can bath with them and this is okay there really isn't clear boundaries on who can be naked with them. If stepdad was bathing with his step daughter people would be horrified. I would casually mention to ex and sm that you are trying to teach DD about the pants rule and personal boundaries and could they be aware of how they behave around her, direct them to the nspcc site. I wouldn't directly mention the bath at this time if it makes you uneasy but if it happens again after mentioning boundaries then I'd make a point of stepping in and stopping it.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 10/10/2018 10:57

@Randomusername01 laughing out loud as So many of us can picture this image.
Like me you may have to start stealth showering (bathing)

Davespecifico · 10/10/2018 10:58

It's fine at that age for you and her but not fine for a step parent in my mind.

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