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Original poster

Step mum bathing WITH step daughter.

65 replies

Scarlette1009 · 10/10/2018 08:21

Hello, i am just wondering what people’s opinions are and what they would do if they was in my situation.

My dd has a VERY good relationship with her dad and stepmum and in fairness I have done everything possible to ensure this happens. When my dd dad was away In the army I made sure that she kept that bond with her stepmum by asking her to have dd at times even without her dad there. They were serious and getting married so I did what was best for dd.

Everything is good between the ex and I and also his partner and my partner and the whole thing is amicable for dd sake. (Something I am beyond proud of)

I have never told dd step mum she can’t do this or that with my dd and kept myself out of the time she has with her dad as I am aware families are different and that includes dds family time with me and also family time with her dad.

However, my dd has been telling me recently that she has baths WITH her step mum and that her step mum doesn’t have any clothes on (which you don’t in the bath obviously)
I just don’t know how to feel about it. I’ve never had a problem with her bathing my dd but the thought of her being IN the bath with her, to me that feels like she has oversteps the boundaries.
I guess I want to know, I’m I over reacting by getting so upset and angry by this? I haven’t approached this with dd dad or step mum just yet.

Sorry it is long and thank you for reading x

OP posts:

amilosingitor · 10/10/2018 10:59

I'm kind of with you on this. I bathe my step daughter but wouldn't even dream of bathing with her. But I don't bathe with my own children either. I sleep naked and if DSD comes and gets into bed I put clothes on, I do change in front of her if I need to but obviously I don't wave my bits in her face so still try to keep a bit of privacy. I don't really have any advice as to how you should approach this

ElspethFlashman · 10/10/2018 11:04

My opinion is that at 5 it's completely unnecessary from a safety point of view and its also very impractical from a comfort point of view. Unless they have a bath the size of a Kardashians, your DD is squished to one end of it.

It's that I'd be more unhappy about than anything else.

My attitude is that at 5, I would expect my DD to have the full use of the bath or have to share with another tiny person who would give her room to play, not some great big 5 footer.

It seems very self indulgent on the part of the SM.

Keeptrudging · 10/10/2018 11:04

Given you have a really amicable relationship with the stepmum, I would just talk to her about it and explain that although you really value that your DD has a good relationship with her, you're really not comfortable with the baths together. She's old enough to bath by herself (maybe with some help hairwashing).

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Families

SemperIdem · 10/10/2018 11:05

I don’t think I would like that. I certainly wouldn’t have my partner bathing with my daughter. It just seems...unnecessary?

But then I’m not one for baths at all, strictly a shower person so I don’t see it as a “nice relaxing” activity, it’s just washing not an opportunity for bonding.

CaptSkippy · 10/10/2018 11:08

I get where you are coming from OP.

From what you posted I am sure the stepmom is not a predator. However, she is showing your daughter a different boundary from what you are teaching her.

Regardless of how any of you feel about nudity, if your daughter learns it is okay to bathe naked with an adult who is not in her immediate family there is a risk she becomes more vulnerable to someone who would abuse such a situation.

As a safety issue, I think it should be okay to talk to the stepmom about this. She may not have even considered the safeguarding aspect of the situation.

I wish we lived in a different world where we could just be free with our nudity, but unfortunately we don't.

SouthWestmom · 10/10/2018 11:13

Is it maybe the ick factor?

Like sharing anything really?

I wouldn't have wanted my dd in a dirt soup with other people's pubes floating around tbh.

Some people are more 😬 about stuff than others - I hate sharing bags of crisps, dog kissing, that sort of thing.

OhComeOnRon · 10/10/2018 11:27

@ElspethFlashman
*My opinion is that at 5 it's completely unnecessary from a safety point of view and its also very impractical from a comfort point of view. Unless they have a bath the size of a Kardashians, your DD is squished to one end of it.

It's that I'd be more unhappy about than anything else.

My attitude is that at 5, I would expect my DD to have the full use of the bath or have to share with another tiny person who would give her room to play, not some great big 5 footer.

It seems very self indulgent on the part of the SM.*

In your opinion. My daughter is 4 and I'm currently pregnant and she LOVES getting in the bath with me. She asks if I will get in with her most times she has a bath. Our bath is big enough for the both of us and there is no safety issue involved.

I'm also a stepmum to an 7 year old boy. Don't think I've ever had a bath with him and have known him since he was 18 months old (our bath at last house was smaller and he doesn't get baths any more) However, he has definitely seen me naked getting in/out of the shower, getting dressed etc.

People have different views of nudity so I think this is OP's main issue here as she doesn't have any concerns re the stepmum.

I teach my daughter about her body being her own, but would never want her to be ashamed of it so no one in our house hides their nakedness from anyone else.

ItWentInMyEye · 10/10/2018 11:28

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either OP. Seeing as you're friendly I'd speak to the step mum and ask her politely to stop.

alifromtheforest · 10/10/2018 11:59

This happened to me when my dd was the same age. I really like her step mum and she's always been very respectful towards me; we get on really well.

BUT - dd mentioned one day that she'd had a bath WITH step-mum and I'm afraid I was on the phone to my ex straight away and made it clear that I didn't want it happening again.

Robin2323 · 10/10/2018 12:19

I'm currently pregnant and she LOVES getting in the bath with me. She asks if I will get in with her most times

That's lovely :)

I can still remember having baths with my mum AND my sister.

Don't know how we all fitted in though lol.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/10/2018 12:22

How old is the younger brother? Could it be they're all in the bath together which is great bonding for the siblings and that step mum is happier being with the younger one in the bath?

ApolloandDaphne · 10/10/2018 12:27

I would want to know what way round it was. Did the DSM get in the bath with your DD or did your DD know her DSM was in the bath and jumped in with her?

AnotherPidgey · 10/10/2018 12:38

My 5 year old gatecrashes my baths of his own free will. If he touches a part of my body that makes me feel uncomfortable, I tell him that I'm not comfortable with it and to please move. If I have to touch a sensitive part of his body I tell him what I'm doing and why. If possible, I'll encourage him to do it himself (e.g. applying cream)

It is different with other people's children. As a household, we are quite open about functional nudity, but take more care over privacy if there is another child in the house as they are likely to be used to different boundaries.

Have a gentle chat. Context matters. If DD is freely joining in as a family with a younger sibling, that's different to being encouraged in to save water. Hopefully boundaries can be clarified amicably.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/10/2018 14:00

I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing baths if the dc are comfortable with it. Certainly me 7 and 5 yo will gatecrash my baths given half a chance, and don't appear to have become confused about body privacy.

But it is more complicated with step parents. If you generally have a good relationship can you have a c9nversation about it?

Alwayscheerful · 10/10/2018 14:17

5 is fine. I am a bath person and my husband is a shower person. We don't have taps on our baths -they fill via the overflow or from the waste outlet so no safety issues.
I always bathed with my own daughter when she was small, I can't remember when it stopped.
I met my stepson when he was nearly 3 and he would ask to get in the bath with me, when he got to 6/7 I said he should check with his Dad as I was a bit worried what his Mum might say, Dad said it was fine and I think my stepson stopped asking by the time he was 7/8.
It certainly worried me a little at the time- but supper, bath, bed was just part of our routine at the weekends, it all seemed very natural my only worry was what is Mum would say, thankfully she never mentioned it.

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