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Original poster

15 year old niece having sex - no contraception, WWYD?

60 replies

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2018 18:06

Seems I am the Cool Auntie. She's been having sex with her steady boyfriend, no contraception at all. Not pregnant (yet). I've had the chat with them about both being underage and stupid to not be using condoms - they are too worried about being underage to speak to GP/youth sexual services or buy them.

Her parents don't know. She has a tricky relationship with her dad, her mum's ok, but, a bit quick to over react and she and I are not close buddies.

Niece has only just turned 15.

Would you tell her parents, or respect her privacy and get her sorted with a giant bag of condoms and advice from the sexual health clinic?

I really can't figure out what's for the best - if it was my daughter, I'd want to know - but, if I tell them, niece won't confide in me again - and I suspect she's going to need a bit of listening to.

She's a lovely girl, but, being a difficult teen at the moment, lots of not being where she's supposed to be or who she's supposed to be with, smattering of episodes of being completely pissed, and now shagging behind the bike shed. Or wherever they can, it seems.

OP posts:

SweepTheHalls · 09/10/2018 18:08

I would take her to the next sexual health drop in

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 18:09

I’d get her to a clinic to get all the info about contraception and STDs.

I have a rule with my nieces/nephews and their parents, I’ll keep their confidence until it becomes a safeguarding issue. Then I have to tell their parents. I think 2 15 year olds having sex without contraception is a safeguarding issue. So I’m afraid I’d have to tell her parents, for her own safety.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/10/2018 18:10

Educate her on protection then tell the parents!

Angrybird345 · 09/10/2018 18:11

Can kids, or adults on behalf of their kids, get free condons still?

caringcarer · 09/10/2018 18:13

I'd offer to go with her to a drop in contraception clinic for condoms or visit her GP with her and ask to go on the pill. The alternative is watch her get pregnant at 15 and ruin her life. If she agreed to this I would not tell her Mum but if she refused I would.

SpoonBlender · 09/10/2018 18:14

Yes, anyone can get free condoms easily enough - but it takes doing it 'in cold blood' and teens are too embarrassed.

Poor little things with their broken pubescent brains! They really don't think straight at all.

FoodGloriousFud · 09/10/2018 18:16

Don't tell her parents! It's lovely that she trusted you enough to tell you. They're going to do it regardless so I'd do as others have said and take her to a sexual health clinic and keep up her supply of condoms.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 09/10/2018 18:21

Do we still have family planning clinics ?? Get her to one and get her on something long term (( something like the coil )) so at least pregnancy can be prevented.

MacosieAsunter · 09/10/2018 18:26

She knows where to get condoms and advice, they have talks in school, they are given cards with numbers, they know they can go and get free condoms from the youth centre (They dish them out in this area) or get them from the school nurse. They also know they can see their GP and have other methods.

What you don't do is betray her confidence, but what you do do is lug (and him) off to the GUM or sexual health clinic

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/getting-contraception/

123bananas · 09/10/2018 18:26

I would ask her if she would like me to accompany her to a local clinic for advise.

Search here.

I would also advise her to talk to her mum, but if she does not feel comfortable then you are there if she needs you.

I would also direct her to read some information on the risks of STI's. Good website here because she may opt for contraception that does not include condoms and needs to know how to stay as safe as possible by regular testing if not prepared to use them.

If the school nurses run a drop in at the school then they often hand out free condoms too and will be available to talk about contraceptive types.

stressedtiredbuthappy · 09/10/2018 18:31

I'd personally give her two options-either you tell her parents or she and her bf accompany you to the local gum clinic, get a huge supply of condoms , a full check up and the pill.

toolazytothinkofausername · 09/10/2018 18:31

Give her the choice:

Either she goes with you to a sexual health clinic or you tell her parents.

Your niece needs to be using contraception!

flossietoot · 09/10/2018 18:33

Is she actively trying to get pregnant??

LIZS · 09/10/2018 18:34

If they are too timid to sort out contraception, or listen to advice, they are too immature to be having sex.

Original poster

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2018 18:59

Totally agree, LIZS

The difficulty is she lives about 3 hours away from me in a rural area. No handy anonymous youth service to be had.

I've found our local youth service - there's a clinic open during the time she's here, but, we're going to need an afternoon together and I haven't quite figured out how to engineer our absence from the family lunch yet.

I like the idea of giving her the choice of coming with me for the world's biggest bag of condoms, or I tell her parents.

We can sort some ruse out for the afternoon.

I don't want to be the Cool Auntie. I want to be the Terrifying, Tell Her Nothing Auntie. Bugger.

OP posts:

gendercritter · 09/10/2018 19:26

For now I'd be sending her a link online with a photo of a very bad case genital herpes in it. I'd be saying 'I love you but stop taking such silly risks.' Some people have no idea what the reality can be with some sti's. I'd send her condoms in the post and then visit her and get her to a clinic. Has she had things like her HPV vaccine?

Tell her she can keep talking to you about anything but if she doesn't start being much more careful, you will be telling her parents everything.

I think her mum should know tbh but only you can judge if that will make life hard for your niece. You could have a general chat with her mum for now about how much time she's spending with this boy and has she sat down and talked about protection with your niece - that alone might encourage your niece to tell her mum herself

RomanyRoots · 09/10/2018 19:28

tell her parents and hope they parent her.
If it was mine she'd be confined to home until 30.

ltk · 09/10/2018 19:34

If my dd confided in one of my sisters, I would want them to sort her out, even if they didn't tell me. So sexual health clinic, condoms, birth control, the lot! More important that she is protected than that I know. Even if I would really like to know. A lot.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 09/10/2018 19:34

Op. She needs back up as well as condoms. Condoms are too tempting and easily removed. It sounds like she's actively trying to get pregnant because all 15 year olds know that completely, unprotected sex will potentially mean a baby.

Haireverywhere · 09/10/2018 19:41

I'd worry she's trying to get pregnant too as she could get condoms from a friend or vending machine in the local area if she's the first to be having sex of her peers and too shy to ask a more confident friend (or he could get them from self service till or a vending machine too).

I agree about the choice of clinic or telling her parents. It's no comfort being cool auntie is it!

Original poster

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2018 19:55

Bingo - the boyfriend (who lives in the same town as me) has agreed to go to our local clinic. It's a bit tricky for him to access (tight timing after school and before it shuts) so, I'm going to pick him up, take him there and drop him home.

I feel a bit weird about it, but, am chuffed. Apparently he's been scared that she'll get pregnant.

I wonder whether PPs are right and she's been trying to get pregnant...she's the sort of kid that's always crying out for attention. Four girls, she's the one that's not the oldest, youngest, smartest - you know?

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 09/10/2018 19:58

Please don't tell the parents. That would destroy her relationship with you and her parents, and the parents may shoot the messenger, too.
The parents don't have a right to know.
I grew up around the time of Victoria Gillick and the court case. (Mum insisting that parents had to be informed of contraceptive use / termination happening, IIRC. I did not like her or her controlling attitude, and 'Gillick competency' is now a 'thing'.)
Just make her as safe as possible, as they will continue to do what they are doing regardless.
Condoms are ideal, if used along with an implant, it would give added pregnancy protection.
Coil would be awful for someone who's not had a baby, I think.
Can you get a load of condoms delivered to the post office or somewhere else for niece to pick up?

Mondaytired · 09/10/2018 20:05

If I was her mum I’d be glad she could confide in someone, bit sad it wasn’t me but then the person inside me that has been in her position totally didn’t and would have told my mum.
I went to the GP though and went on the pill, for some reason this was less scary than going to the clinic to get condoms?! I was more worried people would see me getting condoms than going to the docs haha.
I’d be glad that she can speak to you, don’t break this confidence as it will ruin things forever. Sometimes it’s easier telling someone who isn’t your mum or dad. My DSS confides in me a lot, I think he finds it easier. Some I tell his dad (DSS doesn’t know) but most often I give him advice and he knows it won’t go further!

Mondaytired · 09/10/2018 20:06

wouldn’t have told

FFSFFSFFS · 09/10/2018 20:09

Excellent that you're taking the boy there. Also take her AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

Don't tell parents. Or she won't tell you the next time something comes up.

Can she get the contraceptive implant at that age? Just condoms would worry me a bit.

I'm an auntie too. I really really hope that my niece would come to me in this situation.

Well done. She needs you.

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