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Original poster

15 year old niece having sex - no contraception, WWYD?

60 replies

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2018 18:06

Seems I am the Cool Auntie. She's been having sex with her steady boyfriend, no contraception at all. Not pregnant (yet). I've had the chat with them about both being underage and stupid to not be using condoms - they are too worried about being underage to speak to GP/youth sexual services or buy them.

Her parents don't know. She has a tricky relationship with her dad, her mum's ok, but, a bit quick to over react and she and I are not close buddies.

Niece has only just turned 15.

Would you tell her parents, or respect her privacy and get her sorted with a giant bag of condoms and advice from the sexual health clinic?

I really can't figure out what's for the best - if it was my daughter, I'd want to know - but, if I tell them, niece won't confide in me again - and I suspect she's going to need a bit of listening to.

She's a lovely girl, but, being a difficult teen at the moment, lots of not being where she's supposed to be or who she's supposed to be with, smattering of episodes of being completely pissed, and now shagging behind the bike shed. Or wherever they can, it seems.

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/10/2018 20:10

Given that they live 3 hours apart it is likely that distance will eventually cause it to fizzle out and opportunities should be minimal . If he is so worried why not avoid. Even if you get condoms there is no guarantee they will use them. Is there pressure being placed upon either of them ?

AnotherEmma · 09/10/2018 20:11

Don’t tell her parents but do insist on belt and braces contraception. Good that her boyfriend is going to the clinic but what about her? Is she going as well? I think you should insist that she goes to the clinic or to the GP to get advice on her options for contraception so she’s not just relying on condoms. Hopefully she will cooperate you won’t have to threaten to tell her parents but threaten if necessary!

FunSponges · 09/10/2018 20:13

She needs to get the implant. I wouldn't trust her to use condoms. And if her boyfriend is so worried about her getting pregnant, he needs to not be having unprotected sex then!

Graphista · 09/10/2018 20:13

"Do we still have family planning clinics?" Only just! Sexual health clinics now and here we have one open part time covering 2 counties! And then govt wonders why there's a rise in sti's/unplanned pregnancy!

Frankly I'd consider this the result of poor parenting - if your teen can't come to you with this type of issue somethings gone wrong!

I too would see it as a safeguarding issue. Is mum your sister? If so I'd arrange to meet publicly for coffee and raise the issue. Making sure mum was calm before talking to daughter and that's the end of your responsibility to be honest as this is not your child.

I would not be impressed if my dd was having a similar issue, my sister knew and didn't tell me!

"I haven't quite figured out how to engineer our absence from the family lunch yet." You are WAY overstepping boundaries here! There's MORE to this than practical sexual health - eg how do you know she's genuinely consenting to this sex? That there's no pressure/coercion from the boyfriend? Because honestly she doesn't sound mature enough to be dealing with ANY of this! How old is boyfriend? Then there's the already suggested possibility that she WANTS to get pregnant which is a much bigger issue.

LittleBearPad · 09/10/2018 20:15

I think you should tell your sibling. Bugger being the cool auntie - she’s barely 15 and being staggeringly stupid.

lookattheshorts · 09/10/2018 20:34

Amazing to see so many posters suggesting the OP does tell the girl's parents.

There was a thread previous about an auntie finding a positive pregnancy test in their teen Nieces room. She was hissed at that she should absolutely not reveal anything to the parents, despite her niece ignoring all contacting and refusing to tell her DMum Hmm

Graphista · 09/10/2018 21:09

Iirc that niece was older and also mners don't all think the same.

Lynne1Cat · 09/10/2018 21:45

I had this same thing with my husband's sister's girl. She was 15, wanted to have sex with her boyfriend, and actually had condoms. The mother found out, went mad, threw away the condoms - instead of discussing it and sorting something out. Mother is a born-again Christian and is against sex before marriage, blah blah.

I took the girl to the family planning clinic, discussed at length with a nurse then a doctor, the best course of action. The girl ended up having the DEP0-PROVERA injection, which lasts for 3 months. Sorted, all OK, mother didn't know. The boyfriend lasted about a year.

Original poster
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2018 22:20

Yes, not my sister - husband's family. I get on well with my BIL, SIL is quite highly strung and has a very different relationship with this daughter than the other three. She has freely said that "that girl is her dad's and the other three are mine" since niece was a tot. It's quite odd, but, obvious. My SIL is a bit of a defensive character - we have girls of the same age - SIL has always compared them and that never works out well. She's not that keen on me either - the only thing we have in common is bemusement about our shared MIL's nonsense.

My first question to my niece was about consent. She honestly looked fairly thrilled with herself - I'm confident she was enthusiastic about the whole thing - worrying in a whole new way. He's also 14, I don't think she's been taken advantage of, I think she's a kid desperate for attention who's getting it from someone who does care for her. There's a lot of intense texting going on between them. I expect there's naked images of her on snapchat - I'll ask that when we "take the dog for a walk" next week.

I don't think we can sneak away without raising concerns - but, I have found a sexual health clinic in her town. It's once a week, but, she can easily get herself there. She'll not want to - but, I have said to her that she has to be on belt and braces contraception. I really hope she gets a sexual health nurse who's good with youngsters, that'd be ideal.

Totally agree the boyfriend won't last. But, he doesn't need to last more than about 10 seconds...

Meeting niece on Monday or Tuesday - I'm

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 09/10/2018 22:33

"There was a thread previous about an auntie finding a positive pregnancy test in their teen Nieces room."

I think that one turned out to be a troll thread and got deleted. (This on the other hand does seem plausible - including the idea that the daft numpty could be trying to do it on purpose, even if only subconsciously.)

"He only needs to last 10 seconds" - that did make me laugh out loud, OP.

lalalalyra · 09/10/2018 22:38

Given what you've said about her relationship with her Mum please don't tell her. That girl is crying out for someone to turn too and she's chosen you - quite probably because she's seen your relationship with your own DD.

Telling parents when it comes to teens has to be balanced with the long-term benefit and it sounds like there would be absolutely no benefit to the girl in losing you as someone she can trust and turn too.

Original poster
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/10/2018 23:05

Been mulling - it's a terrible situation, I'd honestly be gutted if it was my daughter - niece is a good kid, and she believes she's in love. Maybe she is - but, the main thing is to prevent her getting pregnant.

Had a chat with DH who said "I don't envy your situation" - which is about typical...doh. I managed not to hiss "this is YOUR FAMILY" - perhaps I like being the Cool Aunty after all.

So, meet her for a "dog walk" at granny's and Have A Chat. Encourage her to speak to her parents, if she won't, then I'll have to take a day off work and meet her at her home town and take her to her local clinic - agree, belt and braces is the only option. It's not a problem from a practical point of view, it just feels a bit weird - they live in a small town, what if we bump into someone she knows, etc.

I've arranged to take him to our local clinic, though, he'll get cold feet because I'm a stranger and it's pretty bloody weird to go to a clap clinic with your girlfriend's random aunty. He's texted me a couple of times tonight, so, that's encouraging.

Thanks for the advice, I know this is bread and butter stuff to clinics, but, jeezo. She's 6 months older than my daughter, and, I'd be absolutely bereft if she was going to my SIL for advice and not me...also because my SIL is a little bit selfish

OP posts:
Graphista · 09/10/2018 23:52

"Yes, not my sister - husband's family." Wow! Even more reason NOT to risk overstepping! Have you learned nothing from mn on how people feel about in-laws overstepping?!

I can just imagine the Aibu!

Aibu my 15 YEAR OLD dd told brothers wife that she was having unsafe sex. And sil has taken it upon herself that rather than tell me she's decided it's her place to advise MY DD on safe sex, contraception and god knows what else! Dd is a shy, insecure type and quite apart from the fact she's UNDERAGE and MY DD sil seems to not have considered the emotional factors in all this. I'm worried dd may have been coerced/pressured into sex, that she's not ready for such a relationship. AIBU to think sil WAY overstepped by not telling me and not considering there's more to this than bloody condoms?

"She's not that keen on me either" wow! Well not telling her isn't going to help is it?

And he's only 14? Jesus with every new bit of info the more I think you are MASSIVELY out of order not to tell other adults. This is a fucking mess! A 14 YEAR OLD potentially becoming a father?! I'm beginning to hope this isn't real!

Your dh knows and he's not said he'll tell his brother either?! Sorry but wtf is wrong with you both?!

Your sil & nieces relationship with each other is none of your business! And honestly it sounds like you're biased regarding sil anyway.

Act like the adult you supposedly are and tell dh to tell his brother!

RowenaDedalus · 09/10/2018 23:59

I do understand why you’re wanting to help but I actually don’t think it’s appropriate for you to take someone’s 14 year old son, that you don’t know, to a clinic. I think if parents find out that will look weird. By all means help niece but the boyfriend bit is in my opinion overstepping.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 10/10/2018 00:02

You need to tell the boys parents..........imagine.the drama on here if someone posted that their 15 yr old son was having unprotected sex with a.14.yr.old. Hmm

Olderbyaminute · 10/10/2018 00:17

I wouldn’t tell her mother but I would lay the law down something along the lines”Get on contraception and never have unprotected sex” and strongly encourage her niece to inform her mother at some point shortly after

LOL7 · 10/10/2018 00:25

www.letstalkaboutit.nhs.uk/forms/request-condoms.asp

They can order free condoms online, not idea at all I know but at least it's an easy way to get contraception!

nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2018 03:43

To address just the "probably naked pictures on snapchat" bit: ignoring the scope for revenge porn(!), under 18 that counts as child pornography.

Kokeshi123 · 10/10/2018 03:53

I honestly don't know whether going behind the parents' back or telling them is the best way. But in terms of birth control, either the relationship needs to be forcibly stopped right away OR she needs to be going double-dutch (hormonal birth control AND condoms). She also needs to sit down with someone and have a serious talk about the potential consequences of what she is doing.

FlyingMonkeys · 10/10/2018 04:22

Crikey! I took myself off to my GP at 14 to get the pill with zero parental involvement (admittedly not great but hey ho). It's lovely that she feels she can come to you for advice but I'd be very wary of swanning off to the local clinic with a 14yr old boy you have no family connection with to access sexual health services. If it comes out (which it probably will) I'm sure his parents will be having a lot to say and it could backfire on you massively.

FlyingMonkeys · 10/10/2018 04:34

In the world in which we live, rather than being a 'cool aunt' you could open yourself up to a lot of questions surrounding potential child sexual abuse/ supporting child sex abuse. These are not your children... Imagine an unknown adult took your daughter to get contraception and said it'd be a secret (imagine that adult wasn't related to you. Imagine that was an unrelated male who was 'cool and trusted unlike you as a parent). I reckon you'd ring the police... Don't be that person OP.

AnotherEmma · 10/10/2018 07:00

“She has freely said that "that girl is her dad's and the other three are mine" since niece was a tot.”

Shock Angry

This just confirms to me that you’re right not to tell her.

Could your husband take the boyfriend to the clinic instead of you? That seems more appropriate, since he’s a man and the boy’s girlfriend’s uncle.

LittleBearPad · 10/10/2018 07:30

Could your husband take the boyfriend to the clinic instead of you? That seems more appropriate, since he’s a man and the boy’s girlfriend’s uncle.

That really isn’t any better. The children need to tell their parents. If they don’t then the OP should. They are both being reckless and behaving immaturely

LIZS · 10/10/2018 07:34

Agree you are overstepping with taking the bf to a clinic. Could you persuade him to confide in his parents, with your support? There is a real danger that in colluding with them you will facilitate a situation which could easily get out of control, if they fall out and it comes to police attention for example, or either family find out and react badly, blaming you.

Miladymilord · 10/10/2018 07:40

Take her to the GP to get the pill. Buy them condoms. Tell her parents.