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Original poster

DS hard to manage

65 replies

MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 11:21

I will try to keep this short as I've posted before but didn't get any replies maybe because it was too long.

My 5 yo DS is pushing me over the edge. His behaviour is awful and I often feel like I can't cope with him. He has horrific tantrums that can last an hour or more, screaming banging on the floor and hitting me. He bites his sister and hurts her.

The school are concerned about his behaviour at school but at the same time describe him as being within the normal range behaviour wise. I've been to speak to them many times but feel like an inconvenience and that I've over reacting. He struggles with school work and is 'emerging' for everything. He refuses to do all homework and reading at home.

Saying one little thing to him can set him off and that's it. You have to wait for the tantrum to be over. Often when we are out he will throw himself to the ground and whinge and scream. I'm very strict with him and never give in to him but nothing works.

Getting dressed in the morning is a nightmare. He can just about concentrate long enough to put a sock on. We are late constantly. I often drag him. Kicking and screaming to school.

I have no problems with my daughter at all.

What can I do? He ruins so many things with his behaviour. He has me in tears constantly.

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 09/10/2018 11:22

Speak to your HV.

Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 11:28

He is in year 1. The health visitor only deals with kids 4 and under I think.

OP posts:
missyB1 · 09/10/2018 11:34

Sounds like there is some kind of issue going on. I wouldn't say that is typical behavior for a 5 year old. Has he always had consistent routines? I often wonder if this sort of behavior is possibly related to anxiety / insecurity. It's hard to get a professional opinion these days, as services are so over stretched. But it's probably worth contacting the HV or any local parent support groups in your area.

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missyB1 · 09/10/2018 11:35

School nurse might be another option?

Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 11:37

The school did try ans refer to the school nurse but they didn't think it was 'bad' enough.

Just to be clear, this isn't new behaviour. He has always been like this but I'm getting to the point where for my own mental health I need to do soemthing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 11:39

Yes he has consistent routines. He gets at least 11 hours sleep at night. We don't allow tablets anymore. He knows he gets one warning before a toy gets taken away for bad behaviour. No issues at home. I am married to DCs dad.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 09/10/2018 11:40

In my area HV’s now take responsibility for children until they’re 18! So may be worth giving them a call. They might be able to signpost you elsewhere.

themuttsnutts · 09/10/2018 11:42

If not, GP

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/10/2018 11:45

You need to see a developmental paediatrician.

bubbles092 · 09/10/2018 12:05

Get him evaluated he might be autistic or maybe has ADHD.

Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 12:08

The hv here definitely doesn't deal with school age kids. I once rang when my dd was 5 about something simple and they said they couldn't help.

My DS has a doctors appointment next week. About his asthma, would it be worth mentioning this?

I feel like his whole life no one has listened to me. He has suffered with a horrible cough and constant crop since he was a baby but have been constantly fobbed off until I saw a locum doctor last year.

He's 5 and still drools. He saw Salt who discharged him but convinced the gp to refer him to ENT as she thinks he might have a problem with breathing through his nose. I've been concerned about his drooling and mouth breathing for a long time but again, couldn't get anyone to take me seriously.

Sorry for this random paragraph but it's nice to Write it all down.

OP posts:
Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 12:09

Bubbles, I don't know how to get him evaluated.

OP posts:
Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 12:17

I just want to say that although he is awful at times, he can be the most loving, affectionate little boy.

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/10/2018 12:24

Do you think his breathing issues could be effecting his sleep? Is he refreshed when he wakes? Lack of sleep due to sleep apnoea or something can cause huge behavioural changes.

Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 12:33

I'm not sure tbh. His asthma was diagnosed because of his constant coughing at night. He will sometimes go weeks without coughing but most nights he will cough all night long. He will wake everyone up but won't take his inhaler. I will stay up for hours pleading with him to take it but he just won't. I cant force him to.

So even though he coughs it doesn't seem to wake him up unless I wake him to take his inhaler. He seems refreshed in the morning. He is always asleep by 8 at the latest every night and gets up about 7.

OP posts:
MrsZB · 09/10/2018 12:33

It sounds like you could use some support yourself Mishmash. That will likely be quicker to sort out than any child services.

Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 12:36

I don't have any family nearby mrsZB. Not a lot I can do about that.

OP posts:
MrsZB · 09/10/2018 12:52

I didn’t mean family, I meant more like some counselling or something like that. You said you were crying a lot and it sounds like it might be helpful for you to talk it through with someone.

I have had counselling myself and found there was a knock on effect on my parenting

KoshaMangsho · 09/10/2018 12:58

I would make a list of his physical and behavioural issues. Clearly there is an underlying problem. Some may be more easily resolvable than others. If he’s sleeping while coughing can you not administer the inhaler? Sorry I am missing something here. (Both my kids are asthmatic).

bigarse1 · 09/10/2018 13:06

have u looked up pda or spd? I have twins and one of them is like this, although this year school aren't coping with him and have insisted on 1-2-1. anyway he has been diagnosed with asd, spd and adhd with pda traits. start by asking gp for a referral to community paeds. they take a long time so always good to get the ball rolling x

Wildheartsease · 09/10/2018 13:15

This sounds really tough op. I agree about getting some support for yourself first. Dealing with this day in and day out must be exhausting!

Is the tantruming for you or for him?
If it is for him - so a way of letting out intolerable emotion perhaps- then could you provide a soft space for him to go when he feels like this? He could go and hit the cushions - yell and kick until he has had enough and then come back to you for a cuddle.

The important things here are safety for him - and giving him a way of dealing with something he is finding difficult. It takes all the blame/bad behaviour away from it. If he feels less stressed, it might be less frequent. ONce he has some power over it - he might be able to move on to other ways of dealing with the feelings.

If the tantrum is aimed at you (so is less likely to happen when he is with other people) then it is a behaviour that is about attention or getting power etc. . In such a case the tantrum requires you as an audience. Withdrawing the audience when that behaviour starts and giving him more attention when he does something your prefer might work in changing it. (Even punishing this behaviour is feeding it!)

Needing attention is natural (and not wrong) but this way of getting it is clearly not working for you both. Dealing with this would require some thought about why he is going about things this way and what could be done instead. Planning new strategies and new ways to deal with this part of your relationship needs some thought and some support from outside.

Parenting is so tough sometimes! Hang on to memory of your DS as the lovely little boy he can be on other occasions and do get some outside help/support soon. He is lucky to have you fighting for him.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 09/10/2018 13:17

It's sounds like he needs to see a developmental specialists. They'd be able to help find out if it's from the breathing issue or possible autism

Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 14:04

Kosher, there is no way on earth I could get the mouth piece in his mouth with out him letting me. I'd end up hurting his lips, teeth or gums as he would physically fight me. I have tried.

He was referred to ENT in June but I've been told its a 5 month wait.

You are probably right about needing support. I probably don't handle him as well as I should as I'm constantly fed up of having to battle him and walk on egg shells so I don't set him off.

I will look at some of the things you've mentioned. Autism has been mentioned to me before but Im not sure it's that.

At a party, I heard one of the parents tell their kid to stay away from my ds and although I don't blame them, it was horrible to hear. He does have friends though. He just finds it so hard to share or take turns and will lash out if he feels wronged.

I do feel sorry for him with the breathibf/blocked nose. He makes a lot of noise when he eats but he can't help it but obviously other kids have picked up on it.

His physical skills are quite good. Climbing, riding a bike ect. His fine motor skills are a bit clumsy though. He still can't hold a pencil properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MishMashMosher · 09/10/2018 14:06

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It's quite helpful just to let it all out and feel like someone is actually listening to me.

OP posts:
Blue25654 · 09/10/2018 14:14

I would look into sleep apnea. How big are his tonsils? My sons behaviour and overall development was like a different child after his tonsils came out due to being large and causing sleep apnea (also after having ventolin for constant cough overnight and lots of fobbing off about lots of kids having large tonsils).

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