DS hard to manage

[MishMashMosher]

I will try to keep this short as I've posted before but didn't get any replies maybe because it was too long.

My 5 yo DS is pushing me over the edge. His behaviour is awful and I often feel like I can't cope with him. He has horrific tantrums that can last an hour or more, screaming banging on the floor and hitting me. He bites his sister and hurts her.

The school are concerned about his behaviour at school but at the same time describe him as being within the normal range behaviour wise. I've been to speak to them many times but feel like an inconvenience and that I've over reacting. He struggles with school work and is 'emerging' for everything. He refuses to do all homework and reading at home.

Saying one little thing to him can set him off and that's it. You have to wait for the tantrum to be over. Often when we are out he will throw himself to the ground and whinge and scream. I'm very strict with him and never give in to him but nothing works.

Getting dressed in the morning is a nightmare. He can just about concentrate long enough to put a sock on. We are late constantly. I often drag him. Kicking and screaming to school.

I have no problems with my daughter at all.

What can I do? He ruins so many things with his behaviour. He has me in tears constantly.

I'm going to suggest something lots of people won't agree with but if you can buy a cheap camera that's small enough that it won't be noticed and place it in the house where the worst meltdowns happen for your son and take the recording and show your Dr!

I have 3DC that are asd,1 is PDA and it his really bloody hard work getting the support you and your family deserve.

Having the recording means you can't be fobbed of by a Dr/specialist/the school ect because it's one thing explaining it but when you can actually show someone what is going on it gets the message across alot clearer!

Please know though this is not because of anything you have done or haven't done whilst you were pregnant or since!

We have 5DC and I know how it feels when you think your not giving enough of yourself to you other DC and the feeling of walking on egg shells and worrying about making your other DC live like that.It is a real tightrope act most of the time but there are resources out there that can help you all.

Hollow, luckily during the day he's most good ans will take it, it's just night time when it's a struggle. He likes his sleep and doesn't appreciate being woken up even though he must realise if he took his inhaler, we would let him go back to sleep! I am going to try the mask and see if this helps.

Holidays, that is a brilliant idea. Tbh he is gets that worked up during the melt downs, he wouldn't even notice me recording him on my phone.

Just adding to the voices saying see dr yourself and do take movies. I have two children with ASD (4 all together) and one def is PDA. Do some reading about ASD and the triad of impairments, if you think this describes dd behaviour, then mention it to the dr.

Sorry posted too soon.

Holiday, its nice to know you know what I mean about walking on egg shells ect. Parenting is hard enough anyway! It's amazing how much it affects everyone in the family.

I hope you don't all judge me when I tell you this but DS loves our dogs to pieces and will cry if he accidently stands on their paw ect but when he's in one of his moods he would happily kick or hit the dogs if I let him. Obviously I do not stand for this and have a zero tolerance to hurting any animals but its just shows just how different he can be.

Don;'t 'mention' this at the asthma appointment.

Make a separate appointment.

GP appointments are 10 mins long for one issue. You can't go 'mentioning' serious behavioral difficulties at the end of another appointment and expect anything useful to come of it.

Hi @MishMashMosher

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel as I feel like you have literally described my eldest DS (6). Even down to how he can have good days when I start to think I’m over worrying/overreacting - because then he can be such a sweet, lovely boy. I also have the feeling of walking on eggshells and how the whole of family life revolves around him ( I have a younger DS). He feels so powerful within the house - I wish so much I could help him but at other times I truly don’t feel like I can cope with him anymore. He has always been like this but my ex left early this year and it’s like it’s turned the trigger up even higher! My problem is also that at school he can be challenging but not massively so.

Anyway I’m really sorry you also have this but thank you for posting as you have helped me also make the decision to go and see my GP.

My youngest son has Autism and we now have lots of friends with kids with autism. PDA is part of the spectrum. The behaviours and difficulties could be Autism bit it could be other things . Your son needs to be assessed.
Definately start with your GP. I wrote down a long list of our concerns and the GP took it and kept it and it was part of the referral that was sent off. I would also ask for a meeting with school. The school SENCO would be a good person to start with. Tell them you have problems managing his behaviour at home. Ask them what issues they have at school and are they willing to put it in writing and tell them you are going to the GP to ask for a referral for an assessment for developmental disabilities. The SN boards are useful too. Good luck.

@MishMashMosher It does sound like there is something neurological going on with your ds. A few neurological conditions can be present (co-morbid) at the same time, and these can affect a child to differing degrees, so everyone feels the effects differently. As KoshaMangsho suggested, make a list of all the things that trouble you, that you feel he has difficulties with. As suggested by others, film him at his "worst". You don't need to take him to the appointment but do make one asap, some areas can take a long time to get the assessment process started in the first place. (It can be quick - my ds got his dx in nine months, others in our area got theirs in six. And this is an area that apparently has more children with statements than anywhere else in the UK, so not because the waiting list is short!)

I would also make an appointment with school to discuss strategies for helping him with his difficulties there. Don't accept "he's not serious enough" - if he has an underlying neurological condition, it is not going to go away and I'm afraid his difficulties will only increase as he and his peers get older and they mature far faster than he will. Strategies NOW will help him down the line, their ignoring it won't.

Thank you all for your replies. The problem is that the school honestly don't see any problem with him. Obviously they haven't said it in these words but they say he's naughty but within the normal range of naughty. I'm so glad my dd is at the same school as she is the perfect child and they can't blame my parenting!

Yesterday my DS was sitting in the middle of the playground refusing to line up for the end of playtime. Every other kid in the school was lined up except him. Three members of staff were trying to convince him to line up. To me that isn't normal. Nearly every lunch time he had to go and stand by the wall for Messing about or being loud. He tells the teachers that they are stupid.

I used to have to go and apologise to a parent every few weeks because he had hit, scratched or bitten their child. This has gotten better this year though. Which makes me think he's just naughty? Surely if there was something wrong it wouldn't have improved?

I have been into the school probably about 6 times last year and once so far this year. I cried in front of the head teacher a few weeks ago begging her for help which is when she tried to refer me to the school nurse. They wouldn't accept the referral and instead gave me a phone number for parents who struggle with parenting issues and drug and alcohol abuse!

Ive given up with the school. I don't understand why they don't want to work with me to improve his behaviour. It would make their lives easier too! Plus it's not fair on the kids in his class.

I'm worried when I go and see the gp they will ask what the school think and I'll have to say they think he's fine.

Sorry this is so long, I'm just getting all my thoughts down.

Crumpets I will send you a pm at some point today if that's okay x

School are not trained to diagnose ASD, so completely bypass them by going to the GP. School also dismissed my concerns, my dd (who actually had impeccable behaviour at school) had no issue apparently, I was struggling with parenting. Community pead compounded my difficulties by saying that it was sibling rivalry it took two years to get her diagnosis.

Sorry Mishmash I should have said in my first post that you will find tons(probably thousands to be honest if not more)of parents all over the world that they have a child that is asd and that they're child's behaviour is completely different at school to what it is at home and the majority(if not all of the time)of the reason that happens is because children learn to put a lid on it(the way they are)at school.

What that means is the DC will be holding back on any tics they may have,any shouting or screaming,the running away,the lashing out and then it bubbles up and up and up all day long until it gets to hometime and then once your DS is home with you that's it, it all explodes because he's in his safe place with his safe person(you)it won't feel like it but it is actually a compliment to you and the home life your providing for your DS because he knows that he's safe with you and he knows that you love him very much so he can let go of all of that pent up emotion and anxiety that would have been building up all day long at school.

The thing is once you start getting the help and support that you all deserve,you'll find that you will learn together ways of helping that anxiety and that out of controll feeling so it doesn't always come exploding out of him once school is over,there will still be days that aren't great,I wish I could say there wouldn't be but when those days happen you and your DS will have more of an idea about why they're happening and you'll all have more coping stratagies that you can use.

Imip, sorry you had to wait so long to get help for your dd. So strange how they can act so differently at school isn't it?

There's something that plays on my mind that DS does. He loves rough play. Like being chased and grabbed, pillow fights and to be swung around ect but after a while he gets over excited and it's like he goes into some weird trance. He won't make eye contact with you, Its like he can't hear anything you're saying and will be running around laughing. You have to physically grab him and make him look at you but he will just struggle and just try and carry on what he's doing. I don't know if I'm just reading more into that. It kind of freaks me out a bit.

Thank you holidays, that was a lovely post. I do think ds must be better behaved at school as he's never had a full on tantrum at school. The closest was the time a feather fell off his piece of art and he had to sit on the floor outside school and try and stick it back on but obviously the glue had already dried and wouldn't stick. He went crazy and we were the last people in the playgroup to I had to just pick him up while he was hitting and kicking me and screaming in front of all the teachers.

@MishMashMosher no help really! regarding the rough play and how u describe it look at spd and being a 'seeker'. that might make sense too x

ASD can actually be diagnosed in the basis of symptoms presenting in only one setting (eg school or home). This is recognition of ‘masking’. I think it’s more common with girls than boys. My dds will comply with every rule at school but reserve meltdowns for home. By this time they’re so anxious and we regularly get self harm and running away.