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Original poster

A blast from the past - DH not happy....

69 replies

autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:13

Have been on Mumsnet forever (naice ham, pombears, even COD with her appalling spelling....). Please advise:

Have started an activity with DD - think something along the lines of weekend netball/football/cricket/sports club (being deliberately vague to avoid recognition).

Turned up at session 2, to be greeted by "hello - it's Autumn isn't it?".
It was a friend from school, over 20 years ago. Boarding, we were in the same house, etc etc.

We have not seen one another for 20 years. Recognised him immediately (we spent 2 years together in the same year/class/house). Lovely guy, but I have barely kept in touch with anyone from then; sporadic contact with a few closer girlfriends, but not kept in 'the clique' of keeping in touch.

He was there with his two kids; we did very brief introductions, caught up etc. We live less than a mile away from each other. He gave me his number on an old receipt, which I then threw away. Got home, and told DH that I had seen him, left the number on the side - no response.

We went again this weekend (with DH), and there they were again. Apologised for not being in touch, explaining loss of number (I'd genuinely lost it; it was written on a shitty scrap of paper that I cleared away in a bunch of other stuff)....he then got out his phone and asked for my number, which I gave. We wandered off at the end of the event, with vague plans to get in touch....

DH slightly stroppy as we walked home. Thought nothing of it. This evening, it has become apparent that DH has an issue with being in contact with him, and was upset that I had given him my number.

I gave him my number in front of DH. There was nothing secretive about it. I have no idea whether we will get in touch (having not had much contact with that group of people from that time in my life, I can't imagine we are going to be bosom buddies), but we live very close to each other, so why not catch up?

DH is not happy. At all.

We were friends at school, when we were 17 (now 40+). We NEVER dated. He is married with two kids. I am married with two kids.

To me, it is nothing more than a friend from the past - if it were a girl from school, I would have responded in exactly the same way - vague enthusiasm to meet up, exchange of numbers, see what happens etc. DH does not see it like that. He is upset that I gave him my number.

Wise people of mumsnet, what do you think?

OP posts:
HooseRice85 · 07/10/2018 23:15

Hmm nah I don’t think I’d like that. Sorry OP. I know most people here will post and say he’s controlling etc but I wouldn’t like it.

Orlandointhewilderness · 07/10/2018 23:17

Well - to be honest i was thinking that he shouldn't have a problem with it but then I started thinking how i would feel if DP was giving his number to a woman he used to know when with me and tbh i think i would be uncomfortable with that.

whatwouldhappenif · 07/10/2018 23:18

I assume he’s jealous? Does this guy have something that DH does not? Maybe if you can find out what his insecurity is you could start there?

Sethis · 07/10/2018 23:21

Your DH is being a bit unreasonable.

We NEVER dated... To me, it is nothing more than a friend from the past - if it were a girl from school, I would have responded in exactly the same way - vague enthusiasm to meet up, exchange of numbers, see what happens etc..

I assume you've told your DH all of this?

If he's still stroppy about it, suggest meeting up as couples, like a double date. You can both meet this guy's wife, and see if either of you have anything in common with either of them. Maybe they'll get on like a house on fire (lots of screaming, emergency services being called) or maybe they'll be super chill.

If not a double date then invite the guy round to your house when your husband is in clear and present view, let him sit down and chat with him if he likes. Just make it clear he's not to act like a paranoid possessive jealous wanker if he does so.

Doesn't sound like anything that can't be fixed by a couple of conversations and an opportunity or two to meet up together as a group rather than solo-you and solo-him. At least for the first few meetings.

Yes, it's a bit insulting DH has any doubts whatsoever, and yes, he's being too precious about it, but not knowing the dynamic you guys have I'm not sure a straight up argument and you making ultimatums about "I'll see whoever I want, however I want" is going to give as much of a positive result overall than just compromising a bit at the start and letting your DH see this guy isn't a threat.

Ohyesiam · 07/10/2018 23:22

Really intrigued by those who wouldn’t like it. Can you say
More?

Butterymuffin · 07/10/2018 23:23

I agree that you should feel perfectly free to meet this guy, but I can also see the sense in inviting him round to yours, getting him to bring the wife and family etc, to show your DH how non-threatening it is.

Original poster
autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:26

Thanks both. He said straight away that he would NEVER give his number to a girl he had known at university, and I believe him.

I find it odd. It is just someone from your past, not an ex, and pre-dating our relationship. I would have NO issue at all with this if the situation was reversed.

It was before I met him. I am accepting of the fact that he knew people then that I have not met. I would have no problem at all if he wants to catch up with them. Hand on heart, I would have absolutely no problem, whether male or female. But he does.

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 07/10/2018 23:27

Wouldn't bother me at all if dh did this! Was the old friend flirty with you or something?

BrokenFlipflop · 07/10/2018 23:30

It wouldn't bother me either. I think you have every right to give your number out. Your DH reaction is over the top, you didn't date the friend and you've not even met up yet fgs.

Original poster
autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:32

This is all because he is a MAN. And I am a WOMAN. I don't think there would have been any issue at all if it had been a girl from school, rather than a boy.

Why should there be an automatic assumption that there is some attraction? I was not attracted to him then, I am not now. He is married with kids. I am happily married, with kids. I have ZERO interest in anything other than catching up as old friends (probably at this event only, but a coffee/catch up is only polite, I don't want to be rude). I have no illusions that we are going to be best buddies, or that his DW and my DH should have anything in common.

But if your DH/DW/DP came home having met someone they were at school with, how would you react?

OP posts:
BeautifulPossibilities · 07/10/2018 23:34

Stroppy? Ugh. So juvenile!

Both me and my DH have friends of the opposite sex! Totally normal. We are both very open with our phones though so trust there.

Orlandointhewilderness · 07/10/2018 23:38

you know, i couldn't say why!

DP has female friends and i have male friends - it has never been a problem either way, he trots off and socialises and i have never, ever thought anything of it. perhaps it is the act of reconnecting with someone new, rather than a pre existing friendship.

which is completely barmy and of course i would trust him!

Orlandointhewilderness · 07/10/2018 23:38

i certainly wouldn't say anything though. it wouldn't bother me to that extent.

thegrinningfox · 07/10/2018 23:44

Would notbother me in the slightest if sh did that, in fact he did and he is regularlumin touch with friends from the past and so am I. I see nothing wrong at all. It’s not like he is someone you’d planned to rekindly amd old romance. It is a person. Whether it is male or female it would not matter to me.
Unless of course there are signs, but that would be a different story. But to ne annoyed on the pronciple seems totally ridiculous to me.

Then again, I am not the jealous type not I ever had reasons to be.

Original poster
autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:44

love your reasoning sethis. Thanks for your comment.

I am not going to make this into an issue; if he is not happy about it, I am not going to pursue it - it makes no difference to me if we meet next week or not for another twenty years. I am utterly indifferent to seeing him or not.

Perhaps dinner or drinks would be cool; I would really enjoy it, purely from a nostalgic point of view. What would not be cool is if DH thinks there is something more to it than that.....

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/10/2018 23:46

I don’t believe him about the never giving his number thing. It would look rude to refuse to give your number to someone who had just asked you for it. You did not do anything wrong.

However, it would clearly upset your H if you met this man one to one, so I think if he does get in touch, I’d suggest a couples thing.

Or just chat at the activity.

Original poster
autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:47

I think that is it thegrinningfox. I am not, and have never been the jealous/suspicious type. It would not even occur to me that DH would be meeting someone else from his past to pursue them. I think much more of him than that. I hope he thinks much more of me than that as well....

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 07/10/2018 23:48

I wouldn't put up with this from a partner, and I would tell him that I would see and associate with and talk to whoever I wanted. Human beings are not property, and jealousy should never, ever be indulged.

EnidButton · 07/10/2018 23:50

Is he hot?

Original poster
autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:51

hedda exactly. I could hardly refuse to give my number!

I have no intention/interest in meeting him at all, it was just being polite. If he gets in touch, I would of course suggest that we all meet for drinks/dinner as a foursome.

We have not seen each other for 20 years, so nothing has changed because we bumped into each other.

What bothers me is that DH is immediately concerned/suspicious - it speaks volumes about how he thinks I would behave. We have been married for nearly 20 years; I would hope very much that he knows me better than that by now...

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:53

No enid, just a regular, 40 something chap. But easily recognisable as the 17 year old I remember! So funny to see him looking so much older - I must look the same to him!

OP posts:
sayhelloandwavegoodbye · 07/10/2018 23:57

Just wear your burkha next time, OP, and then you won't be judged by your DH our people on MN who have no concept of opposite sex friendships.

sayhelloandwavegoodbye · 08/10/2018 00:00

"He said straight away that he would NEVER give his number to a girl he had known at university,"

I'd be wondering how he treated the girls he went to university with, then.

chipsandgin · 08/10/2018 00:01

I am always surprised at the amount of ‘men and women can’t be friends’ sentiment voiced on MN. Year after year it gets re-hashed (not referring to your specific situation OP, just the subject in general!).

I would have no issue with DH meeting up with an old friend, contents of their pants utterly irrelevant, nor would he have any issue if the situation were reversed. My best friend of 30 years is a man, as are many of my closest friends. DH has close female and male friends. If he ran into a friend from school or Uni I’d be happy for him, wouldn’t give it a second thought. Your DH is being an arse, maybe ask him what his actual problem is - does he have trust issues & are they new? If so do you have reason not to trust him as he may be projecting..

Italiangreyhound · 08/10/2018 00:04

It would not bother me. But I can see that some people might find it troubling.

I do not think you could do anything much other than give him your number, otherwise you'd need to say my husband is jealous, which sounds crazy.

But now you know your dh is jealous I'd not pursue a friendship with him or the family. I'd just see them at the activity and avoid doing things with them as a couple or him as a person.

It'd not worth upsetting your husband over this. Normally, I am not that bothered but I think as you are not interested in this friendship then it is pointless to pursue it knowing your dh is jealous.

It is a bit sad he doesn't trust you. But that may not be about you. Maybe he was cheated on once or maybe he did some cheating once and so he is fearful. I can also see that a friend from the past who remembers you as a 17 year old can be a bit scary to an existing partner.

Leave well alone, if you are happy with your dh, you don't owe this old friend anything. Just focus on why you joined the group and be polite but distant, he will get the message.

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