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Original poster

A blast from the past - DH not happy....

69 replies

autumnwalksguide · 07/10/2018 23:13

Have been on Mumsnet forever (naice ham, pombears, even COD with her appalling spelling....). Please advise:

Have started an activity with DD - think something along the lines of weekend netball/football/cricket/sports club (being deliberately vague to avoid recognition).

Turned up at session 2, to be greeted by "hello - it's Autumn isn't it?".
It was a friend from school, over 20 years ago. Boarding, we were in the same house, etc etc.

We have not seen one another for 20 years. Recognised him immediately (we spent 2 years together in the same year/class/house). Lovely guy, but I have barely kept in touch with anyone from then; sporadic contact with a few closer girlfriends, but not kept in 'the clique' of keeping in touch.

He was there with his two kids; we did very brief introductions, caught up etc. We live less than a mile away from each other. He gave me his number on an old receipt, which I then threw away. Got home, and told DH that I had seen him, left the number on the side - no response.

We went again this weekend (with DH), and there they were again. Apologised for not being in touch, explaining loss of number (I'd genuinely lost it; it was written on a shitty scrap of paper that I cleared away in a bunch of other stuff)....he then got out his phone and asked for my number, which I gave. We wandered off at the end of the event, with vague plans to get in touch....

DH slightly stroppy as we walked home. Thought nothing of it. This evening, it has become apparent that DH has an issue with being in contact with him, and was upset that I had given him my number.

I gave him my number in front of DH. There was nothing secretive about it. I have no idea whether we will get in touch (having not had much contact with that group of people from that time in my life, I can't imagine we are going to be bosom buddies), but we live very close to each other, so why not catch up?

DH is not happy. At all.

We were friends at school, when we were 17 (now 40+). We NEVER dated. He is married with two kids. I am married with two kids.

To me, it is nothing more than a friend from the past - if it were a girl from school, I would have responded in exactly the same way - vague enthusiasm to meet up, exchange of numbers, see what happens etc. DH does not see it like that. He is upset that I gave him my number.

Wise people of mumsnet, what do you think?

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/10/2018 02:56

A couple of very insecure first posters. This should not be a problem for your dh.

MargaretRiver · 08/10/2018 04:37

Picking up on the boarding school angle, are you & old schoolmate a bit posh? And DH not so much?
Any reason you lost touch with all you old schoolmates?
Any kind of insecurity going on here?

DinosApple · 08/10/2018 06:09

From your DH's point of view maybe he thinks a separate catch up is a bit odd? If you're going to see each other every week anyway maybe he thinks that should be enough.

I've met someone I knew at school 20 years ago recently, we had a catch up there and then and found each other on Facebook. That was enough for both of us really.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2018 06:11

He doesn't trust you so his opinion of your marriage is obviously different to yours. He's acting like a twat

Jengnr · 08/10/2018 06:32

If my husband behaved like yours I’d tell him to wind his neck in. If he didn’t I’d be livid. You’ve done nothing wrong and his attitude towards you is disgusting.

Branleuse · 08/10/2018 06:44

I think your dh is being weird and controlling. By all means complain about an inappropriate relationships or exes, but not just cos its a bloke

strawberrisc · 08/10/2018 06:46

But why should the boat be rocking is my issue here? Why should he worry? I have NEVER cheated. I would NEVER cheat. He knows that for me, that is unthinkable. After nearly 20 years together, why should he doubt?

Because it happens.

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 06:58

I’d suggest my husband grew up. Fortunately, my actual husband has female friends of his own, and isn’t insecure and jealous of my male friends. And to the poster above who claims she doesn’t know any women with close male friends — I’m another. One of my two or three closest friends is a man, and we go out for dinner and to the theatre together — we went away for the weekend in the summer to an event that interested us both. My husband was out for dinner with a female friend this week.

AnotherDayAnotherDollarRight · 08/10/2018 07:03

'I am always surprised at the amount of ‘men and women can’t be friends’ sentiment voiced on MN. Year after year it gets re-hashed (not referring to your specific situation OP, just the subject in general!).'

Because a disproportionate number of people who bother to read and post on threads like this probably have first hand experience of a previously trusted partner having an inapropriate friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

I never had a problem with DH's female friends, until I found out he was cheating with one of them. It literally never crossed my mind he would behave that way. I would have been the first to say 'men and women can be friends, your DH is being unreasonable' on threads like this. I'm now a lot more cynical.

I'd ask, why is this man so keen for you to swap numbers when you will see each other every week anyway? Surely if he wanted to arrange a family get together he could ask you face to face. I imagine that's what your DH is wondering. Perhaps he has been cheated on in a previous relationship which is making him insecure. I'm insecure now, and don't blindly trust like I used to.

Or he is controlling and jealous. There is no way anyone on the internet can diagnose your specific situation.

MsFrosty · 08/10/2018 07:07

If this was my husband all I'd get from his reaction was that he didn't trust me. And without trust then what is there.
if be furious with my dh if he reacted like yours did

Nakedavenger74 · 08/10/2018 07:38

Errr yes that is weird, controlling and implicating you are untrustworthy.

Since we moved to a different country 2 years ago I have been back in touch with an old boyfriend from when I was 18 (25 years ago!). He is very happily married with two children. My DH has met him numerous times, likes him very much and when my DH wasn't around when we first recontacted each other we went out just me and him for lunch or drinks and I even stayed at their house (in the spare room!)

There has never been any implication either from my DH or his DW that they find this weird. His wife sends me birthday cards and his children write me poems FFS!

DelurkingAJ · 08/10/2018 07:45

If it were me I’d be delighted...my DH is singularly lacking in female friends, frankly, and that sometimes bothers me...I figure you need both to get a more rounded perspective. He knows that I sometimes bounce dilemmas we’ve had off my male friends to see if I’ve missed something they think is obvious and it can be useful...I’d love him to have the same facility. DH was jealous (at 22) and got handed a rocket by my DM for being immature.

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 08:16

Sure, Another, people could end up having an affair with their friends, just like people could have an illicit shag with opposite-sex colleagues, neighbours, members of a hobby group, sports team, fellow school governors/cub leaders/bellringers.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2018 08:22

The amount of time and effort and energy people waste on trying to own another person's genitals is so depressing. Monogamy is a con anyway, invented by men for the benefit of men (to ensure that they were in control of reproduction) yet sold to women as something they desperately need to ensure...

Sometimes your partner decides they prefer someone else to you. Tough shit, basically. There is no way to 'keep' a partner who wants to move on. Well, no way that is remotely ethical. So why not just enjoy things while they are good, and make sure you could cope financially and practically as and when a partner moves on (or dies, or does something awful so that you need to move on). Making couplehood the focus of your life is not really very good for you.

TheViceOfReason · 08/10/2018 10:34

I'd have no issue with my DH exchanging numbers with an old female friend / colleague or whatever and he'd have no issue with my doing the same. I sometimes go off and see a male friend for a few hours who broke up with his fiance recently - it wouldn't even cross my DHs mind to be concerned / jealous!

RomanyRoots · 08/10/2018 10:42

I find it odd too, why doesn't he trust you? would be my question.
My dh called on an ex girlfriend when he was in the area and needed to kill a couple of hours.
it didn't bother me at all, they were a couple during college and we've been together 30 years.
She's married, he's married, where's the problem.

Your dh sounds jealous, keep in touch with your friend and tell dh to grow up, unless he has good reason not to trust you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/10/2018 10:43

DH wouldn't care but I might wonder why this chap was so insistent on passing me his number in your shoes OP.

greendale17 · 08/10/2018 12:11

Sorry but if this was a reserve, you can bet everyone would be saying why he gave his number to a girl he used to knkw

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 12:20

YOUR intentions may be pure as the driven snow, my guess is that your dh suspects that your friend's intentions certainly aren't. It is odd that he would want to meet you after so long, after all if you were such good friends you would not have lost touch in the first place.

The fact he is married with kids means nothing to some men (as we know) and it would be very interesting to see what his wife makes of it.

I would steer well clear. It just isn't worth it on any level.

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