A blast from the past - DH not happy....

[autumnwalksguide]

Have been on Mumsnet forever (naice ham, pombears, even COD with her appalling spelling....). Please advise:

Have started an activity with DD - think something along the lines of weekend netball/football/cricket/sports club (being deliberately vague to avoid recognition).

Turned up at session 2, to be greeted by "hello - it's Autumn isn't it?".
It was a friend from school, over 20 years ago. Boarding, we were in the same house, etc etc.

We have not seen one another for 20 years. Recognised him immediately (we spent 2 years together in the same year/class/house). Lovely guy, but I have barely kept in touch with anyone from then; sporadic contact with a few closer girlfriends, but not kept in 'the clique' of keeping in touch.

He was there with his two kids; we did very brief introductions, caught up etc. We live less than a mile away from each other. He gave me his number on an old receipt, which I then threw away. Got home, and told DH that I had seen him, left the number on the side - no response.

We went again this weekend (with DH), and there they were again. Apologised for not being in touch, explaining loss of number (I'd genuinely lost it; it was written on a shitty scrap of paper that I cleared away in a bunch of other stuff)....he then got out his phone and asked for my number, which I gave. We wandered off at the end of the event, with vague plans to get in touch....

DH slightly stroppy as we walked home. Thought nothing of it. This evening, it has become apparent that DH has an issue with being in contact with him, and was upset that I had given him my number.

I gave him my number in front of DH. There was nothing secretive about it. I have no idea whether we will get in touch (having not had much contact with that group of people from that time in my life, I can't imagine we are going to be bosom buddies), but we live very close to each other, so why not catch up?

DH is not happy. At all.

We were friends at school, when we were 17 (now 40+). We NEVER dated. He is married with two kids. I am married with two kids.

To me, it is nothing more than a friend from the past - if it were a girl from school, I would have responded in exactly the same way - vague enthusiasm to meet up, exchange of numbers, see what happens etc. DH does not see it like that. He is upset that I gave him my number.

Wise people of mumsnet, what do you think?

DH has done this a lot of times in front of me. He is a very popular person with a lot of interests, we are forever bumping in to people he knows. He never actually calls them. Your DH is BU, is your old friend alpha? Introduce them, get them pally and it will all blow over.

Or do whatever you want, of course!

if he is not happy about it, I am not going to pursue it

And it would make me do the exact opposite. I would go out of my way to meet up with him if DH thought he could tell me who to be friends with and strop if he didn't get his way. Fortunately DH is completely unbothered.

I always get a little suspicious of men who think people are incapable of normal, ethical behaviour. One finger points out, three point back after all.

chipsandgin, that is my point precisely. I have zero interest in whether someone is male or female; merely that they are part of my past and it would be nice/nostalgic to catch up. I have no intention of asking them to join us for Christmas dinner.....

It is purely a reminder of the past, irrespective of the contents of the pants (fabulous turn of phrase there)!

I'd be pretty insulted that my DH was essentially saying he didn't trust me. Have you had trust issues before, at all? It also seems pretty controlling, like you can have friends but only if he allows it.

It would not bother me. DH has had female friends, gone on group nights out with them but not me, because it was his friendship group. One woman in particular he was/is good friends with. I know & like her. I trust him totally, we're not secretive with our phones, he regularly leaves it about when he goes to bed, work, whatever. I know the password & could snoop if I wanted. Same goes for him, with my devices.

And FWIW, my DH has been cheated on. Doesn't mean I'm going to do the same, or that he should treat me with suspicion. Is your DH perhaps suspicious because he'd only have a woman's number for sexual reasons?

italiangreyhound, you are totally right. I will not pursue anything - I love and respect DH too much to do anything that would make him unhappy/worried/stressed. I love him to bits, there is no need to rock the boat.

But why should the boat be rocking is my issue here? Why should he worry? I have NEVER cheated. I would NEVER cheat. He knows that for me, that is unthinkable. After nearly 20 years together, why should he doubt?

I have many old male friends from school or whatever and doesn't bother my DH at all if we go for lunch or they come round when he's been working away but if I come home and drop in a dads name from DS hobby or school then he will be "who's bobby!?!?" But half in a jokey way and then I say oh he's just a dad...don't be silly and we get on with our life.

Dh has no female friends at all, some colleagues and partners of his friends he gets along with and would chat to if he saw but no actual friendships with women, none he would call up for a chat and definitely not close enough for a lunch date so if he came home and said he met a woman he went to school with and they swapped numbers to meet up soon and catch up I would find that very strange, for him!

Do you have other male friends Op or would this be the first one he knows about?

awdbovril, you are saying what I am thinking. We have total access to each others phones/emails/messages. I have no issue whatsoever with him being able to see everything and anything I write, to anyone. No secrets. I would never snoop on his phone; I trust him entirely, completely, utterly. I love him. He is my husband, and I know he would never do anything to hurt me.

Him going out with an old friend-who-is-a-female is not a threat. He is better than that. I just want him to think the same about me. Does he?

Why does he need your phone number? It suggests going onto one-one meetings. Yet you don't have a history of friendship. You just knew each other for a while years ago.

If DP met and chatted with an old female friend Id think nothing of it at all. I would however if I was out with him and she came over and asked for his number.

This guy had given you his number already anyway. & You didn't call him. In his shoes if I'd given my number to someone and they didn't call I'd have left it at that. No biggie after all, you can just chat when you see each other

I see women on MN talk about being married and having male friends they see regularly, go out for meals with, to cinema etc have been close friends with for donkeys years. Yet I never ever meet anyone in real life who has a 3rd wheel of this type in their relationship.

Of course anyone can have opposite sex friends - but have boundaries and be respectful of someone's relationship. That shouldn't be difficult.

You know your husband best tho OP, and whether you think this is worth even having an argument about. If you wouldn't be bothered about a woman he knew years ago coming over and asking for his phone number in front of you then yeah have a chat with him as you're obviously on a different page.

From what you said I don't think your husband is being an arse. He's a bit jealous that's all.

dairymilk - no, not really any other male friends, other than dads/husbands from the school friendship group.

The fact that this is the first time this has happened, and suspicion is immediately on his mind is what worries me. There is just no justification for doubt, but it speaks volumes that he does not trust me, which makes me sad.

Well , your DH obviously still thinks you have got it going on .. which in a way is nice but in the same vein back the fuck off I will have Innocent interaction with who I want

mistress we have been together for SO long. Waaay past the stage of skeletons coming out of the closet.

He knows that our family, and us, is our life. It is what we have both worked and strived for since we met. I have no desire whatsoever for anything other than what we have. We have a wonderful life, healthy happy children, and enough money. There is NO reason at all for him to think that anyone is a threat to us. Not a random from 20 years ago, not George Clooney, not anything. We are happy. And the intimation that a random from 20 years ago could even be a vague threat is simply....sad.

That he thinks that someone so tiny could be a threat. How precarious does he think we are?? And why??

I'm presuming your husband has never been controlling in the past from what have said and that this is out of character.

Although I think you should be able to meet up with this old school friend without it being a problem for your husband, I wouldn't bother as you don't seem very interested really about catching up with him. For whatever reason your husband feels insecure. If it meant a lot to you to be back in contact with this person then I would absolutely say go for it and your husband would just have to deal with his jealousy. I would make it completely clear to your husband that if you really wanted to meet with an old male friend, that you would, as you won't have his jealousy restricting your life.

autumnsguide because men know men

For all you know it could have been something in the guy's manner that made him dubious. It's not necessarily about you.

Not quite the same situation but your post has just put me in mind of an old friend of mine that I don't see so much anymore these days. she always seemed to have a thing for being close friends with married men. Not necessarily an affair, but days, nights out etc. To the point that it upset their wives. & She liked that. It was a game to her. I wondered how she could be bothered with all that.

There are some people who just like to be troublesome with couples. Not suggesting this guy you've bumped into is like that. Just that you never know.

If you're not interested in him, I'd let the convo die a death in respect of your husband. If you are interested in him as a friend then just reassure your husband. That's the most you can do.

That he thinks that someone so tiny could be a threat. How precarious does he think we are?? And why??

But no matter how stable a relationship is, there is always that very slight chance that your head could be turned or more likely your husband thinking this other person has that agenda, even if you don't I suppose. I don't think it's any reflection on his trust in you, more a lack of trust in this man that he doesn't know.

I wonder if the husband has never been controlling before because OP has always been unquestioningly obedient... He's behaving like a prick, and sometimes you only realise that a man is a prick when you disagree with him or don't immediately indulge his whims...

If I met up with an old friend/acquaintance from school or college DH wouldn't bat an eyelid, nor I for him if the other way around. Catching up with an old friend for a drink & a reminiscence - fine. Particularly as you're likely to see each other in passing, you may as well have a chat

Doesn't sound like you're thinking of even doing that, so your DH should back off.

@autumnwalksguide sorry I think I didn't word it correctly.

It would be really weird if my DH after all these years became friends with a woman, I trust him completely but the man I know now not this new man who's friends with woman all of a sudden giving his numbers out at sports clubs to other mums for catch up that's just out of character.

Even though you trust your DH if he did something out of character there must be something inside that would make you think, oh this is a red flag. If you found a scrap of paper in his pocket with a woman's name and number would you think straight away this must 100% innocent, what if it had a kiss or affectionate message written with it

You of course can and should be friends with who you want and I'm not saying otherwise but I can see where he would be coming from, just because he doesn't like this situation popping up doesn't make him untrusting

I’d ask him all that youasked us in your last post.

Agree with MistressDeeCee

"For all you know it could have been something in the guy's manner that made him dubious. It's not necessarily about you."

If you are going to be seeing each other at the activity why does he need your number? I'm not saying it isn't 100% innocent (AKA I think it is a 100% innocent) but maybe your dh just feels a bit insecure in himself. One aspect of me is not aging well, and I must admit it has knocked my confidence. It may be that your dh perceives something like that about himself? Maybe he is a bit big around the middle now and this guy is slim/athletic, or he is going grey and this guy is dark raven haired or maybe your dh is thinning on top... you get my drift.

I've known my dh 2 decades and to be honest I wouldn't swap him for anyone ever. But I expect if an attractive man made me feel appreciated I'd least feel flattered etc. Being keen enough to give you his number both times he meets you does seem a bit keen, not saying there is anything in it but I am just saying for your dh this sounds like he felt uncomfortable.

Mistress I am one of those women with male friends I meet up with one to one and I’ve never considered them a third wheel when I’m in a relationship. It’s no different to having a female friend, and I wouldn’t call them third wheels either. We meet up one to one regardless of whether either or both of us are in a relationship, but if we are seeing someone we of course introduce them. It’s not secretive or flirtatious. We’ve never slept together. It’s a friendship! I’ll never understand this mentality that having a friend of the opposite sex is showing a lack of respect for a relationship. So yes your DH is being unreasonable. If the man had asked for your number in a secretive way and said ‘don’t tell your husband’ or something then yes he’d have a reason to feel miffed. But he’s being ridiculous and jealous here, because that didn’t happen

Johnny Finland I've not said men and women can't be friends. I'm not about to pretend that some people aren't troublesome though.

Good for you if your relationship is like that - doesn't change that I've never ever met anyone like you in real life.

He's being a twat. You're allowed friends. 🙄

I’m surprised you haven’t tbh Mistress. Pretty much everyone I know has opposite sex friends they see independently of their partners

I wouldn't have a problem. My DP has a few female friends from school/uni he messages sporadically. They're all lovely women and apparently he never shuts up about me. It's not crossed my mind that I should have a problem with it. They're friends, I think it's healthy and encouraged to have friends.