Help! Our holiday has turned into a disaster.

[pinkcarpet]

We (me DH, DD1 4 and DD2 5mths) are currently on holiday with DH's family and its turning into a bit of a nightmare. DD1 is generally quite well behaved but she's becoming increasingly badly behaved, argumentative, disobedient and having tantrums. I think in part because she's tired and in part because grandparents keep giving her so many treats that she's overdosing on ice cream, fruit juice and chocolates.

We're here for another week and i don't know how to improve her behaviour. DH family have a place here and stay every summer and have their own routine of what time they eat meals which is much later than we do at home. DD1 is also getting less sleep that usual as she's been kept up late at night for restaurant dinners. We're letting her nap in the day but she usually has 12hrs at home and heres she's getting about 9hrs in total.

I am feeling extremely embarrassed about some of DDs behaviour but also not sure how to support her better. Added to this i have DD2 who is not coping that well with the heat so just wants to breastfeed and nap all the time and i have to keep her out of the sun so i am having to leave DD1 with DH a lot more than i would like.

We're staying with DH family in their very nice but quite cramped accommodation and there isn't much space for DD1 to play indoors.

Does anyone have any tips to help us survive and hopefully enjoy the rest of our trip?

I'm actually wishing I'd just stayed at home now and i highly doubt we'll be invited back again unless DD1 starts behaving better. Sorry about the rant. Finding this much more stressful than i ever imagined.

I would tell them you plan an early pizza and early bed for the children as they need a good nights sleep. Let them know they are welcome to join you but that you will be absolutely fine if they would rather go out and eat just the two of them at their usual time. Make sure you are entirely reasonable and if they kick up a fuss you will know it is their problem not yours.

feesh has it. Say that.

Be straight with people, and job done!

Next time, get that hotel booked and blame it on the lack of space in their place. Sounds horrible, frankly.

Dear God, why on earth are you putting your childrens needs second to the whims and wants of people you see twice a year . They had young children once too.

Stop being such a crowd pleaser and start being a parent.

I'm with feesh as well. I can be assertive and not feel guilt tripped into something I don't want to do without being rude. So can you.

Why not go for an early dinner then put them in a buggy, go for a walk till they fall asleep and join the rest of your family for dessert or drinks while they snooze?

That way the kids get sleep, and you get to spend some relaxing time with your parents.

Giving her meals earlier would mean either me or DH or both of us would then have to stay behind while the other adults went out to eat. I might be able to do it a couple of times but DH family would be very put out changing their schedule Seriously, your little girl is struggling and is getting a hard time for her behaviour. Who is more important here???

Honestly. Prioritising their own wants over their grandchildren's needs. I can't get my head around people sometimes.

And this is happening because her own grandparents are too inflexible to care.

To be fair, it's been a long time since they raised kids, and things were quite different when they did so. It's not up to the grandparents to prioritise the grandchildren, it's up to the parents to do that!!

When my children were small we would holiday at ILs house but there was a 2 hour time change. This meant that the normal 7pm bedtime became 9. If we combined that with a 3 hour siesta (from 3-6) as is quite normal in hot parts of southern mediterranean it worked and they could stay up till 11 and slept till 8/9am. The kids would play with other children in the restaurant area while we ate.
But your whole set up with lack of space etc sounds a bit of a nightmare. Do they go out every night? A bit unnecessary. Try having a big lunch together and a long afternoon sleep. then just a snack and staying in or going out for an ice-cream.
Unless you change their schedule immediately you arrive its not going to work.

Do what is right for you and your family OP. Everyone is right, it is never going to get better unless you and DH spell it out to the PIL DD’s behaviour is due to not getting enough decent sleep and eating too much sugary stuff. I would put money on the PIL, when they had DH as a 4yo, ate tea at 5.30pm, and were strict with sweets. It can’t go on, please try and arrange a better dinner routine and if that means you or DH accompany PIL to a later dinner some nights while the other sorts out the DC dinner and bedtime, or you and DH eat with the DC and one or other goes out to join PIL at a bar, so be it. OK, so you won’t all be doing the family altogether dinner, but if I was in your situation I would be glad of the break from the PIL now and again.

You could also talk to the PIL about the shocking rise in childhood obesity and higher rates of type two diabetes, and please could they cut down all the sweet treats.

Why is your DH worried about offending his parents? Can't he speak honestly and openly to them? He sounds a bit wet. Prioritising his parents feelings over his own children's well being. Not a good sign. Don't go again.

I get EXACTLY where you are coming from OP. My ILS live abroad and it has always be the same - their attitude is that children 'just fit in' and we should do 'what the locals do' when we are there, which to them is keeping the kids up until 10pm or so (a baby and two kids under six). ILS were always grumpy and disapproving if we tried to feed them and put them to bed on their UK schedule - dinner around 6pm and bed at 7.30pm. They want a long aperitif, eat around 8.30pm, then a digestif... DH got into the cycle of feeling like we were being over precious and trying to appease them.

None of our kids have ever been the type to just fall asleep if they are pushed to be overtired - they scream, cry, tantrum...then wake frequently in the night, and STILL get up at 6am. They are also poor nappers so trying to force an extra nap just consumes the whole of the next day. Try that times three children and it is zero holiday for me. All the kids are miserable and the older two badly behaved.

This was the first year I put my foot down and said to DH I was only going if we set the agenda, which meant feeding the kids and putting them to bed when we said so. ILS free to do whatever they like, DH free to join them for drinks or whatever when kids in bed.

It was fine. Once we had made it clear it was happening and we ignored the muttering, they just got on with it. Kids were happier and DH and I were MUCH happier. You just have to be assertive and do what you need to do, although I totally appreciate how hard it is to appear to 'go against' your hosts...

Oh, i’ve had this. When my dd was little I stayed a number of times with dd’s father’s family and always felt really judged about her bahviour, but it was always because she was tired, out of her routine and genaerally unsettled.

We're going to try an early dinner on our own tonight. DH tends to just fall in line with whatever his mum suggests and because DD2 is on some kind of breastfeeding marathon I've spent about 50% of my time stuck in a bedroom feeding so he's agreed the meals with his mum but i think last night he realised it has to change as DD2 wouldn't sleep in the buggy and DD2 was running riot in a posh restaurant. Looking forward to pizza and an early night (fingers crossed!)

@askme that is exactly it!

Perhaps your DH could just have a snack with you at 5 and then go out to dinner with his parents later - that would give them some one-on-one time with their DS?

It's always hard when you see ILs or parents infrequently, it takes adjustment on both sides. Glad you've found a compromise.

Even if the meals out weren't late, I think it's a lot to ask of a couple with 2 young kids (one still bfed!) to be going out every evening.

I could see that they might want a night or two out with everyone &/or a couple of nights with their son as they don't see you very often-but every night?

It is a bit much eating out every night but its just what they do. They are very well off and prefer to eat out than cook for themselves. They do it at home in the UK as well

" but its just what they do."

Yeah-but you don't all have to join in every night.

I wouldn't have even started eating out so late at the start of the holiday. When they said they were eating late I would have said that we need to get the children to bed so we'll sort ourselves out but hope they have a great evening.

This is supposed to be a holiday for your dd too, right? How is taking her out to a boring adult restaurant when she is tired and hungry going to be fun?

Keep restaurants for quick lunch times and sit outside so she can run around.

Holidays with children are not like holidays without children.

How have you got into the habit of doing exactly what they want even though it’s making you unhappy and disrupting your children?
DH’s parents live abroad and we stay with them for 2 weeks a year. When we’re there, I keep my DD’s in their routine. They’re miserable otherwise, and that makes DH and I miserable too. So we don’t put any of us through it. If PIL can’t adapt for a couple of weeks for the benefit of their grandchildren then that’s their problem really.

I'm glad you're going to try for an early night.

I know this is a minor point but don't call these things 'tantrums', it really marginalises things like upset, stress, anger, frustration, anxiety etc that are really behind the kind of behaviour we slap this belittling label on. Your DD is struggling. You're the only one that can help.

Your PIL might not like it but you have to choose if you'd rather they thought of you as slightly rude, overprotective parents or thought of your DD as a badly behaved little girl.

The main causes of bad behaviour in my experience are hunger, boredom and tiredness. With the routine your PIL have you in you're hitting at least two of those with your 4 year old. As for the baby screaming in a restaurant at 10pm...If they can't understand why your children's needs come first then screw them like the PP said. Good luck.

Oh I sympathise lots. I was away with the dc early this summer and ended up taking ds2 to bed even though all the other kids were still playing outside, but I could see he was getting grumpy and tired and wasn't really having fun any more. Luckily everyone understood (or no-one said anything to my face anyway!). It worked very well though because it meant I was able to have a nice evening (not going out though obvs) and ds2 was able to get the sleep he needed to be on the go all next day.

Maybe just explain to your PILs that the kids are getting grumpy and upset because they miss their routine and need earlier feeding and more sleep. Can you suggest that you all eat in together for a few nights? Once the kids are in bed, then you can all have a drink together, chat and play cards or something - you're supposed to be catching up with them, so staying in will be totally in line with that.
I really hope it improves

I had IL and SIL like this. Big age gap in kids and they just didn't care about the impact on DD. So we stopped going on holiday with them pretty sharpish.

It's your holiday too - a tired child (or two) is no bloody fun for anyone. Stick to your routine and have a nice time. Don't have a miserable holiday due to selfish people who don't care about about how they are affecting your children.