Halloween and SN boy wanting to join in

[autumnis]

Ds7 has probable high functioning ASD and is very socially isolated. He has no friends, never been to a play date or party. No siblings or cousins and no social contact with anyone really bad us and his TA.

Last year his class were asked who went trick or treating / went to a Halloween party and he was the only one who couldn't put his hand up. He was very sad at the time. He's already started saying that he really wants to go trick or treating or have a Halloween party 'with friends' (he thinks that people in his class are his friends when they're not).

I thought I was doing a good job of distracting him for a while but I just heard he has asked his TA if the 2 of them could have a Halloween party in the little space they work (he's not allowed in the classroom) as that might be his only chance. My heart just broke a little bit.

I really want to do something for him that makes him feel included without it being a blatant pity attempt as he can see through it a mile off. Neighbours don't do Halloween so can't do a little trick or treat on the street or anything.

Any ideas?

So some examples would be...someone sitting in his seat - he'll push them clean onto the floor. He had his own desk so that stopped happening but he'll then be violent for another reason. If someone changes the rules in the playground or doesn't play they way he wants he might just hit them or push them over - so he doesn't go out to play as their isn't enough support for him to not hurt others. If he gets something wrong in class or doesn't understand, he's so anxious that he might throw furniture or hit out at whoever is nearby. There's been a lot of complaints about him and school don't know what to for the best as every time he does something he feels even worse about himself.

He's very observant so every slight look from another child can make him worried that he's done something wrong. He can see through pity play set ups which makes him feel horrible about himself and doesn't want anything that makes him look different.

Keeptrudging - you sound an amazing teacher. So accepting of difference. The teacher doesn't really have any say in what happens to him as SLT/Senco make all the decisions. He's barely been near a teacher in a year and we haven't even had a parents evening since year 1 (he's in yr3) because of all the meetings with SLT/Senco.

I'm actually lost for words. He is as entitled to teacher time as every other pupil in that class. He should be seeing his teacher daily. If he's outside the class, the teacher needs to be going in and out of class to see him/give him his work/make him feel more part of the class. That might include the teacher getting the class started on a task, then swapping places with his TA so she/he can work with your son a little.

These things are really important to little ones. The teacher sets the tone for the class. If she/he doesn't include your son, the rest of the class follow that lead. If there's a closed door between your son and his class, that's a huge negative message. In situations I've had where a child has had a workstation outside a class, it's been really important to have the door open, with other children also working flexibly nearby, so it's seen as an extension of the classroom (and also so the pupil gets better at tolerating others near them). The teacher needs to be seen to be the bridge between both areas.

This needs serious work on the part of the school. Your son is only going to get bigger and stronger. They are avoiding dealing with the problem. His own desk is a must, with it only being used by him. Even marking out an area around it with tape, and explaining to children that having this space helps him to feel safer.

Playground is an absolute no-no at this stage. Better to have a small group play with him in a smaller area before or after playtime.

Sometimes, unfortunately, to get the help your so needs, you have to escalate things. Go over their heads, go to Ed psych, Education Officer, CAMHS, Head of Education until they start supporting him properly. It's absolutely shit that I'm even having to write this, your son deserves so much better from them. Here's some more for you, a for your son and a great big for your son's school.

That sounds really difficult

Re hitting/pushing, I've given pupils a cushion/pillow before, got them to draw an angry face on it, and that's what they're allowed to punch. If they get cross and use their pillow, they get praise/reward (whatever they'll tolerate). Cushion stays with them at all times.

Thanks keeptrudging. That's great to hear from a teacher. He's under all the agencies but no one is really doing anything. They see him, assess, give strategies (which don't work) and that's the last we see of them.

He's nowhere near the class as he's kept in a separate place so he gets dropped off and collected with his TA there and never goes near the class / peers / teacher. He seems quite non plussed about it and is definitely less anxious as a result. But I can't believe the plan is to keep him there until hear 6...

Even with the best strategies in place and the most amazing teachers, some kids just don’t thrive in a school environment. It sounds like at the moment no matter what he does or how hard he tries he is going to feel like he’s failed and is ‘different’ to the other kids.

Would you consider HE him full time? At least he would have the opportunity to socialise with others (often lots of DC of different ages which can be fantastic for many kids with SN). It would be in a far less stressful environment that school so he would likely to be less anxious and therefore violent.

Whist I agree with what keeptrudging is saying about putting pressure on everyone involved to meet his needs, often people underestimate how utterly draining and soul destroying this can be. The constant chasing, explaining, ‘fighting’ to try and get things put in place. It often takes so much energy for so little reward. Keeptrudging sounds like an outstanding teacher who ‘gets it’ and if you are lucky to have that then you will be in a good position for that year, but unless you consistently have teachers like this then it all falls down the next year and you have to start again with the explaining, etc, new teacher wants to try things, you have to allow them the opportunity to make it work which often makes it worse, etc.

At least with HE you can put all your energy into what you know works for your DS and give him the support he needs yourself without relying on others and putting him in the position where his anxiety increases as this can take so long to undo.

I would guess socially too it will only get worse, if he’s already aware about ‘pity friendships’ and getting it wrong etc. I would be wary of sending him somewhere every day where he feels like this, it’s bound to damage his self confidence. Try and find an environment (not necessarily HE if you don’t feel it’s right for him) where he sees other similar kids to him and learns it’s ok not to be NT.

I’m glad you’ve got something for Halloween sorted. Really hope you can find a better long term solution.

Your plans sound lovely and I hope you all have a fab halloween

Please don’t completely write off the idea of going trick or treating in a different area. Some areas don’t mind
We go in another area but take sweets and hand them out while we walk and collect. You could try that or else give your son a strict number of houses he is allowed to visit so he still gets the experience but you don’t feel like you are imposing.

Lots of churches are now running light parties with crafts and activities. It might be a calmer and (hopefully) more understanding environment for him. I hope he has a fantastic time and loves whatever you plan for him.

littledinaco thank you. Sadly, I know how exhausting it is for parents, and maybe you're right about the idea of home-ed if there's no alternative provision.

I spent years as an ASN teacher in mainstream. I spent years having strong discussions with class teachers re how they could include my pupils, how they could maybe stop changing the strategies willy-nilly, and maybe stop doing things they knew would trigger a meltdown . Not all teachers obviously, there are some fabulously supportive and understanding ones out there. I'm in standalone Special provision now, there are very few assaults on staff/pupils compared to mainstream, because the environment is right.

There is an organisation in my county that runs training, information, social networking etc for families with asd/ adhd children - is there anything like that locally? Really good way of finding peer support - might find a couple of friends to go trick or treating with?

op the school situation sounds dreadful
I have no experience but I hope things get better and you get the help and support you need.
Going back to Halloween
.you can trick or treat anywhere!! I have never heard off it just being for locals!! A few posters have said this. How strange. We have random kids at our door. And we walk around our local area but streets
We don't live on!! Its xhildren trick or treating
Doeant matter who so long as they are dressed up! I love it

And anyway like someone said. How can you tell if the kids are dressed up?

@autumnis Was thinking about your wee one today, for halloween things to do.

This is a lovely spooky story massage. The bits in brackets are the kind of movements you do with your hands, just go with the flow!

www.storymassage.co.uk/halloween-activities-children/

There are some great sensory bin ideas here too, put some spooky music on (there are ones on youtube that have good backing music, no videos)

mommyevolution.com/halloween-sensory-bins/

If you've got musical instruments at home, In the Hairy Scary Castle is good for this age to join in with different sounds.

Cooked spaghetti and water beads are my favourites for brains and eyeballs, but go with what kind of textures your son likes, lots don't like wet/soggy.

Our local garden centre does a sort of treasure hunt for Halloween. If the DC hand in an answer sheet, they get a Halloween chocolate (regardless of what they have written!). Might be worth checking if you have something similar local to you.
I hope your DS has a fabulous time, whatever you do.