Halloween and SN boy wanting to join in

[autumnis]

Ds7 has probable high functioning ASD and is very socially isolated. He has no friends, never been to a play date or party. No siblings or cousins and no social contact with anyone really bad us and his TA.

Last year his class were asked who went trick or treating / went to a Halloween party and he was the only one who couldn't put his hand up. He was very sad at the time. He's already started saying that he really wants to go trick or treating or have a Halloween party 'with friends' (he thinks that people in his class are his friends when they're not).

I thought I was doing a good job of distracting him for a while but I just heard he has asked his TA if the 2 of them could have a Halloween party in the little space they work (he's not allowed in the classroom) as that might be his only chance. My heart just broke a little bit.

I really want to do something for him that makes him feel included without it being a blatant pity attempt as he can see through it a mile off. Neighbours don't do Halloween so can't do a little trick or treat on the street or anything.

Any ideas?

If you’re open to home-ed it may be worth joining some Facebook groups to see what’s on in your area, you can go along without your DS just to see if you feel it’s suitable and talk to other parents and get a proper feel for things.

There will be lots of other DC with SN (as so many are HE for this reason). There should be plenty to choose from, such as meet ups where kids/parents meet and talk/play if they want to but don’t have to join in, art, sport, drama, science etc. Some are more structured others more informal so you can pick and choose what suits him.

I doubt he could feel much more isolated, the school sounds awful

If he wants to go trick or treating though, please take him. At least he’ll feel ‘part of it’ when he hears the other kids talking about it.

Whats your rough location op?

There are lots of farms running pick your own pumpkin over half term, lots of theme parks having themed weeks- could dress up for event, get pumpkin, come home and have spooky tea??

Some National Trust properties are doing halloween activities too, might be worth a look.

I agree with looking at HE groups, especially as you're available after lunch due to the reduced timetable. Maybe see what's available near-ish to you (even if it's the next big town), I know it means any friends aren't local but maybe having a couple of friends further away is better than none?

Definitely drive around for houses with lots of decorations. One near us sets up a huge marquee on their drive and covers the whole of their garden and house in decorations (think extreme Christmas lights but for halloween!). I'm sure those sorts of houses would be fine with random people knocking. Our road seems to have lots of kids walking down it but they only knock on houses with decs up or pumpkins out. I wouldn't know if any kids were local or not! I participate until all my sweets run out, then remove obvious decs and close curtains.

Where abouts are you? I’m a pro at hunting things down if you like I could do some research for your local area. Pm me if it’s easier

I agree with the suggestion to find a better road for trick or treating. My children are ten and under and we’ve never done trick or treating with friends. I appreciate it’s a bit different with more than one child though. I think age seven most aren’t going round in a gang of friends, just a sibling or a neighbour they’ve bumped into. I don’t think the friend issue is a thing for trick or treating .

A structured activity might be good. I have no idea where you are but my children (one very probably HF ASD, waiting for a diagnosis) had an amazing Halloween experience at the Hellfire Caves in High Wycombe... can you find something similar nearby?

The school situation is just not good enough, no child should be in solitary confinement. How will your son cope as an adult if he hasn't had the chance to mix? The social side is more important than the academic side imo.

I am aware of 2 children in my DS school with autism. One has violent outbursts and would not be high functioning. He is fully integrated in the classroom. A TA is with him at all times.

Perhaps an organisation like national autistic society could advise you and help advocate? I hope this doesn't sound like I am criticising, obviously you have already tried hard for your son, you are getting an incredibly shit deal from this school.

What do you mean by he is not allowed in the classroom!?

Whereabouts are you OP? If you’re anywhere near me (Wiltshire) then PM me!

My DD2 has significant and complex SN including autism, ADD and a syndrome. She loves trick or treating but isn’t allowed much at all in theway of sweets (so that’s fun!) but loves joining in. She won’t dress up much (sensory issues) but loves to feel part of it. Luckily where we live quite a few houses on the estate do Halloween, so we do a short loop around.

They also have things going on in the local library (especially as Halloween usually falls in half term week).

Do you have access to social groups etc in your area? My DD goes to one run by Barnardos which is ace. I wouldn’t say she has friends but the staff try really hard to get the children to “socialise” within their comfort zone.

National trust do pumpkin trails or you could find a pick your own place and go and choose pumpkins and have a competition in your family?

Honestly OP it will be a rare and horrible old fart who is unhappy that you take your DS to trick or treat at their decorated, and welcoming to treaters, home because he lives in a different area. It's unlikely anyone will care. You could be visiting relatives in the area, just moved there etc. He'll be dressed up so unrecognisable anyway. Don't let that stop him experiencing it.

Apologies if I came across harshly about advocating for him but the school by not allowing him in the classroom are blatantly discriminating against him. The reduced timetable is illegal too unless you've agreed with it which you shouldn't have had to if they were able to support him properly for the whole school day.

If they are unable to meet his needs (and isolating him is certainly not in his interests), they should have applied for an EHCP which is the only way he'll get into a Specialist School. I'm assuming you don't have one as there's no way an EHCP would be agreed with him being in the circumstances you describe. You need to kick some serious arse!

We live in trick or treat central and lots of children get dropped off to trick and treat as it's rich pickings!

Just pick a busy area and both of you go round. My SN son doesn't like the dark so he stands by the door offering the sweets and treats all our visitors to his weird but hilarious observations!!

The school don't sound good, he sounds very isolated by them.

The school sound horrendous but that's probably a whole other thread.
As others have said look for things locally. Do you have any friends with kids, family? Who would join you?
My youngest has HF ASD also.

Are there any Forest Schools groups near you? They are used a lot by people who home educate. You may find there are other children and parents there who are different in various ways, and therefore more accepting.... and they may be doing something for Hallowe'en.

Where I live, we are big on Halloween! I am planning on dressing as a witch and sitting on my bench with a cauldron full of sweets, waiting for the 170+ children to come Trick or treating.

And yes, we do welcome people not from this estate too. It all adds to the amazing atmosphere.

Don't suppose you are in Somerset, are you?

OP, if he's at home with you in the afternoons then you ARE home-schooling, at least part-time, and there's loads of support with that.
I'd join some home-ed groups now. As pp have said, lots of families home school because their kids have additional needs which aren't met in mainstream. And even if there aren't any kids your DS wants to be friends with, there will be group activities in the afternoon that you can go along to with him and remove him if it all gets too much.
They may even be running Halloween stuff you could go to.
It sounds really hard for both of you. People with SN have really been shat on by austerity.

I can't even think of the trick or treating thing as too shocked by his school situation. I am a teacher regularly working with dc with autism . You said he thinks the children in his class are his friends but the're not. Thats so sad. He is 7. They should be his friends. Maybe not best friends but yes friends.He needs time with them and they need encouragement to spend a little time with him. As already said what social needs of his are being met. Whatever he is interested in an effort should be made that he has a little social group that does that with him for a short while everyday. Has he a care plan in place set up with a psychologist and regularly updated. ?We have had children scream the school down but once they are calm again they are back in the classroom and on we go. How come he has no proper diagnosis?
The spookiest and wierdest thing l see here is that poor boy completely alone in school all day.

OP, roughly where are you...between us we can find you something. Even if you just say SE or East Anglia or whatever we will have people who have ideas. I know here we get some kids through (we have our kit pumpkins out) and I know none of the visitors but they’re all charming. My DM reckons to have c200 at her door (much to her delight) in a very different part of the country!

Thanks all for the messages. I don't really want to say where we are as I do want to be identified. We're disliked by a lot already!

We decided to take ds to a halloween themed day out the weekend before and then the three of us will have a little Halloween party tea on the 31st. I'm going to do a little treasure hunt or something so he can collect sweets that way and make some slime maybe and decorate some biscuits with a few decorations. Hopefully he'll feel like he's had a nice Halloween-y time without doing the actual trick or treating.

In terms of school, I don't want everyone thinking school is terrible and stick him in a cupboard every day. This situation has been a long road of lots of the suggestions on here which work for a short time and then we are back in crisis again. He can get very violent when anxious and the children are scared of him and don't want to be his friend. The parents want him out the school. They've had social stories, small groups, circle of friends work, small play work etc. It doesn't really work for long before he hurts someone.

The current situation isn't ideal but there's nowhere else for him to go. Other than a managed move to a different mainstream school which we've been cautioned against by many as being a worse option for his anxiety. There are no special schools that cater for his needs (hardly any at all anyway).

At least alone with his TA he is happy, not violent, not anxious, doing work, not being excluded and is happier at home. It doesn't feel very inclusive but I know that so many things have been tried and not worked.

That should say - parents 'don't' want him at school.

If he is with you in the afternoons then you are partly homeschooling (or flexi schooling) him.

I would start going to some home-ed groups with him. Even if he chooses not to play or join in with the other kids, at least he’s getting that opportunity in a ‘safe’ environment with you there rather than the school environment (which I can understand he just can’t cope with). It sounds like he does want friends and not to miss out socially. Often with DC with SN, you have to put a huge amount of effort in to enable them to make friends.

Your Halloween treats sound lovely, I hope he enjoys himself

Op, firstly deepest sympathy. Have struggled with similar as well and there simply is not enough provision for bright autistic children (well all children with SEN). Doesn’t help but if you are the same term dates as us, Halloween is not in half term this year which should reduce some of the discussion as it’s a school night. I’ve had this issue before where it fell in half term and similar issues so the next year I got myself all geared up only to find it was a school night and just sort of slipped past without much comment.

What are the school doing to reduce his triggers?

You say he’s violent and hurts others - can youmgive an example of what happens?

I have taught children of this/similar age who could be violent to other pupils/staff. All of them were included with their classes (with support) for varying periods of time. The key to succesful (if limited) inclusion IMO is to having staff who can recognise the signs when things are becoming too much for the child, and who know their triggers.

Also, to have a high-interest diversion activity outwith the pupil's class that can be a way of removing them from the class easily. I have a 'quit while your ahead' philosophy to inclusion of 'volatile' children. Don't push it, have them in class for short spells during an activity that interests them. Don't be tempted to stay 'just 5 more minutes'. Make it time limited, use a visible timer if that will work.

Carpet time/intro of a lesson can be really tricky. There's a lot of pressure on the child to conform/sit still etc. Do the intro outside the class with TA, join the class once they're working/any milling about has stopped. Pupil should have their own set desk in the classroom, so they know exactly where they go every time. Consider having fiddle toys etc on the desk that can be settling for them.

Work with the class when pupil isn't there to get them onside. Help them understand what behaviours they should ignore, and what behaviours it's ok for them to quietly, without a fuss, move away from. Praise pupils for being kind classmates, and acting appropriately. Emphasise that any deliberate 'winding up' of a child would be unkind.

As for parents, whilst I don't think any child should be being hit at school, I also don't think parents should be able to dictate that your son is so isolated.

Sorry for the essay, I've had years of experience working with wee ones like your son. I've never had a pupil who I've not managed to succesfully include with their class, even if it's just for multiple short spells, and I've taught many 'violent' children. It's not acceptable for school to give up. They need to find a way to do it.