Halloween and SN boy wanting to join in

[autumnis]

Ds7 has probable high functioning ASD and is very socially isolated. He has no friends, never been to a play date or party. No siblings or cousins and no social contact with anyone really bad us and his TA.

Last year his class were asked who went trick or treating / went to a Halloween party and he was the only one who couldn't put his hand up. He was very sad at the time. He's already started saying that he really wants to go trick or treating or have a Halloween party 'with friends' (he thinks that people in his class are his friends when they're not).

I thought I was doing a good job of distracting him for a while but I just heard he has asked his TA if the 2 of them could have a Halloween party in the little space they work (he's not allowed in the classroom) as that might be his only chance. My heart just broke a little bit.

I really want to do something for him that makes him feel included without it being a blatant pity attempt as he can see through it a mile off. Neighbours don't do Halloween so can't do a little trick or treat on the street or anything.

Any ideas?

Why is he not allowed in the classroom and what are the school doing to help his social situation?

I would urge you to look for a different beavers group, you may need to stay each week to help him get the most out of it which I do appreciate might not be ideal but please remember they are all run by volunteers and there is always a lack of leaders.

Just seen your update, just because he is not accessing his education in the classroom does not mean he should be isolated. Where does he eat his lunch? What happens at playtime?

He's kept in at playtime and comes home at lunchtime as he's on a reduced timetable.

This sounds worse and worse the more I post doesn't it....

Hi op, this is very sad and I'm so sorry your little lad is going through this. My ds had been ill for many years so we went through something very similar for a while. What we did was, like others have suggested, made a big deal about decorating the house, baking, pumpkins etc. Then we got dressed up and went onto a street (had to drive there as we live in back of nowhere!) where all the kids were trick or treating- you could perhaps tell ds you're off to a friend's street party, if that would work? Hope you work it out and he gets to have a great time.

just read your last post, Op. As he's reduced timetable, have you thought about looking up any home ed groups in your area? I realise you're not home ed but many of these groups are really active, have significant numbers of children with SEN etc and because of this it's not a huge 'thing' for them- might be worth a try? It's the single best thing we ever did (ie join a home ed group).

Ah I feel so sad for you and your little boy. I second the poster who said go and find a street that is doing trick or treating. And do what dc and I do,only knock on houses that are decorated or have pumpkins. Your almost guaranteed a fun night
Decorate your house too.
All things that he can talk about at school
Another thing we do with dc is go to an organised event. Where we live,the local castles etc have a themed night. As do zoos and safari parks etc. (Midlands area)There are loads iof things like this all over the counrty. We do something every year and they are usually amazing !!

To be honest yes it does. I would be concerned by the schools attitude, it's not fair on your ds.

If you feel the other schools are not suitable, would home ed be a possibility? Maybe do some research into HE in your area especially if he is on a reduced timetable as you may be able to do a bit of both.

Check to see whether any local churches are offering a "Rainbow party" or similar - ours is, my HF ASD boy went last year and enjoyed himself - it's fun, structured, and in groups, and feels like a party but the kids don't all know each other iyswim. Ours has teams competing against each other over a couple of hours, interspersed with party tea and songs.

IME they're very inclusive, ours has at least 3 or 4 kids on the spectrum attending and we always have a quiet area they can go if it gets a bit overwhelming and volunteers who are specifically there for the pastoral needs of the kids attending.

Autumnis it's on the school to find small ways to include, even if it's just having a few children to play alongside doing a shared interest, like lego or playdough or even playing on ipads in the same space. The longer the isolation happens, the more different/stressful it is when he is around peers.

Have you found any online support groups? These can often be ways of meeting other parents/arranging tentative play dates. There are many parents in the same boat as you who would love to meet up, it's just finding them.

Op I’m sorry - you sound so sad about it.

Do you have any local friends or neighbours who you could agree to knock on for trick or treating? Even if you provide the stuff. Looking for local events could be a good idea.

I don’t have much SEN experience but the school arrangements sound poor. If they can only manage him in isolation for a few hours a day I would have to question if his needs are too severe for them to deal with and how you can get him a more suitable education. If they aren’t too severe then how do they move to more normal arrangements.

Our local garden centre has Hallowe’en activities; anything near you?

The town over from us have a nature walk area with a visitor centre and they do a "magic school". It's a few hours long and the kids make broomsticks and wands and potions and have hot chocolate and they all dress us. Could you do a wee Google and see if you have anything like that near you?

Some of this stuff sounds amazing! Will definitely hit google for some alternative ideas we can take him too.

Also, nothing to do with Halloween but would a pen pal help him feel like he had a friend? My oldest is 7 and we're in Scotland (near to glasgow). My son loves writing letters to family, so I'm sure he'd welcome a pen pal friend.

The school side of things is a total nightmare. I think it is for most children with SN as the system is designed to take a really long time and provision is so very poor.

You're welcome to my Halloween party if you're anywhere needs Leeds OP.

Near! Not needs

I can't get past the fact that he is not allowed in the classroom ? What are the school doing to encourage interaction ? My son has aspergers and if he had been treated like this at school I would have been appalled.
Would he be better in a school that specialises in autism ? There is more to life than academic achievement.
I feel so sad reading this I could cry tbh and it must be so heart breaking for you both . Sorrygone off topic but touched a nerve . I really hope he has a wonderful Halloween btw x

I'd definitely post on Facebook local or a local selling site. The small estate I used to live on used to go to town on Halloween. We may or may not have had projectors on our garden or anything. 🙄
Anyway, it became known in the town as the place to go, we'd get literally around a hundred kids plus. over Halloween night. We all loved it, the whole street rang with laughter and screams.
The ones who didn't have a pumpkin out didn't get knocked on, and by about 8:30 it was done and dusted.

A few local working men's clubs still hold Halloween parties too, that could work.

Are there any parents at school you could have a word with and ask if they'd be interested in a Halloween tea party too?

that's so sad for your little boy. These are some ideas hope they help. I agree with finding a area that is good for trick or treating I know a few people who don't go local and go further away. Some parks near us have Halloween events on with pumpkin carving and games on try googling your area and Halloween activities , our libary is having a little craft / party session , we are going to a day of the dead Halloween celebration for families it's 2 hours with games , crafts and pinata. I've seen quiet a few pubs having children's parties. If he really wants some children at home is their anyway you could ask at school even if you could get a couple to come round for a hour to have a party tea and a couple of games ? I appreciate maybe you can't but maybe they will be some mums who will bring their children for a hour

Oh OP I feel so sad for you and your DS. I think you have had good answers for Halloween so will look at the other aspects.

The school sound appalling to be honest. I have worked in schools and inclusion and your sons school doesn’t seem to be following any appropriate guidance. They are totally breaching SEND code of practice which states the child with a disability must not be treated in any way that disadvantages them - social isolation is a huge disadvantage! I have worked with children who could be violent and explosive and the school looked at the triggers and minimising these - sensory needs such as noises or environments, demands being placed on them, all about finding and reducing the causes of the behaviour. I have never had a child have no play time or no entry to the classroom! This has made me so angry, animals in a zoo are treated better in regards to their social needs! Does your DS have a EHCP plan? If you want to PM me feel free then perhaps I can also look at local support if I know your area.

This is awful and I feel very sorry for your son, however everyone who is suggesting driving to a street that is trick or treating may be setting him up for a fall.
I live in a council house and my street and the ones by us all decorate an the kids dress up. We know our neighbours. Last year we had people driving their kids to our streets and dropping them off to come to our houses. Some familys were really cross as they are not well off and had spent money knowing it was reciprocated by the neighborhood.

If you go on Next Door they're asking people who will be giving out sweets to trick or treaters, and it all goes into a map. Not much on there when I looked a couple of days ago but I imagine you could find a few willing households to visit that way?

Can you find out if there any areas near you which participate in trick or treating, even if it is a drive away, you could park up and take him round?

Please get urgent advice from SEN specialists like IPSEA or SOS SEN about the schools lack of inclusion. They have to find a way to integrate him. Even if just for short bursts. It's disgusting he is being isolated. Please advocate harder for him.

That's a good point about streets and communities not wanting strangers invading! I think I'll find some Halloween activities or days out in half term then have a Halloween family tea maybe.

The school situation has been ongoing for over a year. It wasn't always like this and he was included a lot more and everyone tried so much but professionals and funds were so slow that the situation just got worse and worse. We're still fighting now to get agency support. I have advocated hard for him. Too hard probably as the school is thoroughly pissed of with us asking questions. It's a really complex and difficult situation. There is an autism school in our county but it doesn't take children has high functioning/academic as him. Other than that is a school for moderate-severe LD which he has none. We're a bit scared to move MS schools as it could be even worse and worried about home ed as he could feel even more isolated and pushed out of society.