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Original poster

Is it ever ok to not go to a parent's funeral?

54 replies

Monr0e · 03/10/2018 13:17

Not brave enough or emotionally stable enough for AIBU today but I'm worried I am being. My DF passed away yesterday after a short illness. We are in different countries. I was able to go there and spent the weekend with him in hospital and came home Monday morning. He lost consciousness soon after.

The back story is he left my DM when I was 18 months old and I never met him till I was 10. We have built a loving relationship over the years and he has been a fantastic grandad to my dc's who love him very much despite only seeing him a couple of times a year.

He has another family in his own country, 3 step children, 8 grandchildren and 6 siblings plus numerous nieces and nephews. I have met only a few of these over the years and our relationship was very much separate from his other family.

His funeral is on Friday. And I just don't want to go. I don't want to fly there on my own, I don't want to leave my dc's who don't know yet but will be heartbroken. I don't want to attend a funeral I will have had no part in arranging and where I will know a handful of people. I don't want to feel like an imposter at my own dad's funeral. I want to stay home with my own family and friends who love and support me and not be with what essentially are a group of strangers to me.

But he's my dad. I'm his only biological child. And I worry that it would be awful for me not to be there. And I'm so upset I can't think straight

OP posts:

Sirzy · 03/10/2018 13:21

You have said your goodbyes to him before he died.

Unless you feel it would be of benefit to you to attend the funeral then don’t go. Do something special with your children instead

LizzieMacQueen · 03/10/2018 13:22

You might feel differently tomorrow?

How easy would it be to arrange flights last minute?

PinkHeart5914 · 03/10/2018 13:24

I honestly think your regret it more of you don't go tbh.

You’ve built a loving relationship over the years, his been a great grandad and the funeral is the final respect you can show him and it might be nice hearing what others have to say about him

blackteaplease · 03/10/2018 13:25

I didn't attend my dad's funeral for exactly the same reasons. I said my goodbyes separately and have never regretted it.

KatieMarieJ · 03/10/2018 13:26

If you're not planning on taking the children with you perhaps instead plan a memorial here for you all? My concern though is that you won't be able to un-do not going.

I presume his wife is still alive? If not then no-one should really be arranging things without you.

Another thought, do you know where he will be buried or have his ashes placed/scattered? Could you visit there at some later date with the kids for your own goodbyes?

ViserionTheDragon · 03/10/2018 13:31

Sorry to hear you lost him OP . You should go. You will all be grieving together for your DF - that's not a bad thing. It's a chance for you to reach out to your extended family and form relationships with them. It will give your DCs some idea about their roots and heritage. Agree that you might regret not going.

PostNotInHaste · 03/10/2018 13:32

I didn’t go to my Mum’s as it was in Asia and I just wasn’t well enough to fly at the time. I watched it via Skype though which helped. It was over 2 years ago now and this weekend i’m Off to visit her sister for the first time since she died, Aunt also couldn’t go. It’s where Mum grew up and I do feel rather emotional about it and feel I haven’t really had closure yet, which is new as felt fine about it before.

areyoubeingserviced · 03/10/2018 13:34

Don’t go if you don’t want to
Don’t let anyone guilt trip you either

CMOTDibbler · 03/10/2018 13:34

Will there be anyone there that you know? If not (and I mean on more than a polite handshake basis), then I wouldn't go as I can't imagine anything worse than feeling totally alone at your parents funeral

Loopytiles · 03/10/2018 13:34

Very sorry about your dad.

I think you should do whatever you think will feel best for you.

Fragolino · 03/10/2018 13:34

It's entirely up to you!!
However you feel. Don't feel bad just do what's best for you

glagdy · 03/10/2018 13:37

My Mum didn't go to her Father's funeral. She couldn't face it.

Nobody minded, she's never felt bad.

Where I am in the States I've not known anyone have a funeral like they do in the UK. Everything I've been to is a memorial service months after the fact, cremations aren't attended and if it's a burial there will only be a small number of immediate family. Basically, I think people do what works for them here rather than a quite regimented series of events.

NicoAndTheNiners · 03/10/2018 13:37

Funerals are for the living not for the dead. It will make no difference to your dad and it sounds like you don’t know anyone who will be there well enough to be that bothered what they think.

Send some flowers and your apologies. Spend some time when the funeral is taking place remembering him in your own way. He would understand.

Fatted · 03/10/2018 13:38

Everyone grieves in different ways and only you can decide what's best for you. I understand how you feel when you say that you don't want to be alone and would sooner be with your own family. Are you in contact with others arranging the funeral? What is their opinion? Not that it matters really, but would help you to get an idea of how it might be perceived.

Original poster

Monr0e · 03/10/2018 14:30

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

To answer a few questions, his partner, not married but together 25 years, passed away 18 months ago. It is her youngest daughter who will be doing all the arrangements. I have no problem with this. She has been a massive part of his life for 25 years and he is like a dad to her. However I am aware that the funeral will be very much a remembrance of him as part of their lives. I think I might find this very hard. I know his youngest step daughter and have met his older 2 step children on a couple of occasions but that is all. I have only met his siblings, who I guess are my aunts and uncles, on a handful of times as well. My DC's have never met any of them. If I do go I will be very much on my own and although I'm sure people would be welcoming I would have no real support. I would literally fly in in the morning and leave in the evening. Apart from my dad we have no links at all. Now that he is gone I will not be visiting again.

I am in touch with his step daughter but so far no mention has been made of the funeral arrangements apart from the day and I am aware she is grieving too so don't want to bother her. She will let me know things as she does.

I am so very grateful that I went when I did and that he was conscious and knew I was with him. If I had waited a couple of days which I almost did then I would not have had that time. The only reason I have for going is the worry that I might regret it if I don't

As for how it would be perceived? I don't know. But whatever they think of me it is highly doubtful I will ever see any of these people again anyway.
Thank you again

OP posts:

JessicaJonesJacket · 03/10/2018 14:35

I think as long as you're happy with your decision that's what matters.

My DM didn't go to her DF's funeral because she was ill but she always regretted that she had missed it and that she didn't get to see where he was buried etc.

But I know other people who have decided not to attend their parents' funerals and were content with that decision because it was the correct one for them.

Sorry for your loss

AamdC · 03/10/2018 14:37

My Hisband wasent able to go to sisters funeral because of a family fallout , instead we had our .memorial to her ,Funerals are for the living not the dead and it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks .

AhAgain · 03/10/2018 14:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 03/10/2018 14:56

Don't go.

Find yourself a quiet spot in a park or in a church if you're a religious type so you can sit quietly and reflect while the ceremony is happening.

Sorry for your loss.

teaandtoast · 03/10/2018 15:56

Could you contact the vicar/priest or whoever is conducting the funeral and email him a few words to read out? That way you and your family are a part of the funeral even if you don't go.

Sorry for your loss.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 03/10/2018 16:00

Funerals are for the ones left behind.
I’m sorry for you loss.

You could hold your own service of remembrance here, with your children etc, time it for the same time.
If you want to maintain a relationship with his other family you might have to be diplomatic in how you explain this.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/10/2018 16:53

Can you and your children plan and hold a remembrance for him at home? You will have to tell them and doing a ritual like this might help all of you.

Original poster

Monr0e · 03/10/2018 17:44

Thank you again everyone for your kind words. AhAgain, you sound lovely, I'm sure she appreciated all you did

I'm relieved to see that if I don't go I won't be considered the worst daughter in the world. I've spoken to DH and we've agreed that if I don't go we will do something with the dc's at the weekend in remembrance of him. As DH said, I went when it mattered and was able to say my goodbyes then. I haven't decided for definate but I already feel relieved knowing that if I don't go that will be ok. Thank you

OP posts:

changehere · 03/10/2018 18:48

derxa · 03/10/2018 19:08

I’d go personally as a mark of respect but I’m Irish and funeral attendance is taken more seriously there than in England. If you do go it will be appreciated by the wider family and I don’t think you’d ever regret it. Ditto except that I'm Scottish from a country background. It sounds as if you have made up your mind though. A funeral can often be a very healing process.

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