Is it ever ok to not go to a parent's funeral?

[Monr0e]

Not brave enough or emotionally stable enough for AIBU today but I'm worried I am being. My DF passed away yesterday after a short illness. We are in different countries. I was able to go there and spent the weekend with him in hospital and came home Monday morning. He lost consciousness soon after.

The back story is he left my DM when I was 18 months old and I never met him till I was 10. We have built a loving relationship over the years and he has been a fantastic grandad to my dc's who love him very much despite only seeing him a couple of times a year.

He has another family in his own country, 3 step children, 8 grandchildren and 6 siblings plus numerous nieces and nephews. I have met only a few of these over the years and our relationship was very much separate from his other family.

His funeral is on Friday. And I just don't want to go. I don't want to fly there on my own, I don't want to leave my dc's who don't know yet but will be heartbroken. I don't want to attend a funeral I will have had no part in arranging and where I will know a handful of people. I don't want to feel like an imposter at my own dad's funeral. I want to stay home with my own family and friends who love and support me and not be with what essentially are a group of strangers to me.

But he's my dad. I'm his only biological child. And I worry that it would be awful for me not to be there. And I'm so upset I can't think straight

I’m also from an Irish background and whilst I respect and participate in the ‘attend every possible funeral’ tradition it can be more about being seen to do the right thing rather than actually doing the right thing iyswim. My own mum is annoying me at the moment as she wants me to renew her passport so she can be ready to fly over for a much loved and very ill uncles funeral when the sad day comes. When I suggested that I took her over to see him (and his lovely, struggling wife) while he was still alive and able to know her, she instantly reverted to an ‘ oh, I’m a poor old lady, too frail to travel, please don’t put pressure on me ’ attitude. This despite her own hurt and anger when people didn’t visit my dad when he was terminally ill but attended the funeral.

You are his daughter OP. You know for yourself what is the right thing to do and you’ve done it already. Don’t give it another thought but continue to honour your father in your own way.

My family has had a few funerals with various family members unable to attend due to travel issues and people being in other countries.

Having someone set up a Skype call to you (or similar), so you can hear and see the funeral while not physically present may be something to consider.

Sorry for your loss and that you're now conflicted as to what to do.

Personally I wouldnt be looking at attending the funeral or not as to how it would reflect on you, as you say that really doesn't matter. But I would be considering the reflection on your father and how having his only child there would be a huge mark of respect to him. I know he's gone and has said he was happy for you to do what you felt was right but sometimes we benefit too from doing things we aren't comfortable with for the sake of a loved one.
I know also you don't really have a connection with his family but for them knowing the person they loved most nearest and dearest child was at their funeral would mean a lot.
There are only a couple of crematorium in Ireland. If there's an actual mass I would imagine that would be in a church but the crematorium will be separate but must be relatively nearby if it's only two hours after the funeral mass.
Re flights if you decide to go consider using different airports either side if that makes your journey doable in one day.
All the best whatever you decide.

Reasons to go:
If it supports your grief

Reasons to not go:
You have already said your goodbyes
The logistics of travelling alone to another country
Little connection to any of the other bereaved people
Feeling isolated when you are there could make your grief harder, particularly when you have already made your peace with him in life.

If you go, go for you not because it's the thing to do. Anyone who would scorn your absence is no support to you anyway.