Pulling her out of nursery?!

[Strawberryoxygenbubbles]

I'd greatly appreciate any advice or experience anyone can offer!

DD is 15 Months. Has been at nursery 2 days a week since May. Hasn't settled very well. Every morning, as soon as she recognises the turn off the road to the nursery, she cries & gasps for breath (in the same hysterical cry she does when she's hurt herself). She'll continue crying & shout after me & every day I'm told to call to check she's settled when I arrive at work. I'm getting worn down seeing her so upset every week. Apparently she's fine half an hour after drop off & will then whimper throughout the day everytime the door opens when she realises it's not me but it's still horrible. The nursery have said she's fine when she has 1 to 1 attention with one of her key workers otherwise she struggles with new people or being alone. She's there for 11 hour days & this is our only option due to our work hours. We've tried starting off with half days and increasing gradually. Half days were as bad as full days. It made no difference.

When she's at home or toddler groups, she's confident & doesn't use a dummy/gets involved. At nursery, all the photos I'm sent, she has a dummy & is clinging to her teddy as though she's desperately trying to comfort herself. They say she never sets the teddy down which isn't usually the case unless she's in bed.

For reference, she's met her grandparents less than 10 times due to distance. She'll happily stay with them in our home when we go out so it's not just about wanting to be with us. She'll also stay with them at their home which she's only been to a handful of times when we leave her.

Nannies have proven to be too expensive for us to afford comfortably. A lovely childminder has offered us a space. I'm worried we'll abandon ship at the nursery & things won't improve. Obviously she'd then have 1 key adult looking after her though which I'm hopeful will help. She took weeks to "settle" at the nursery so doing 1/2 trials with the childminder aren't going to be especially helpful. What would you do in my position? I can't cut my hours back any more. My DH & I both work compressed hours/part time combination to be at home 5 days a week with her & need us both to be at work.

Advice please! What can I do to help her?

If she's hating nursery that much I personally would try the childminder. How many other children does she mind at the same time? My 17 month old loves her childminder - I think it can be nice for tiny ones to bond to one individual? I would say it's worth a try. Doesn't sound like it could be any worse than it is now. Must be so stressful for you. Best wishes.

Is the childminder willing to come to you for a couple of mornings while you're at home so they can get to know each other? If that goes well maybe childminder could take her to the park without you - you could hide and spy on them - see how she is. Keep the nursery place while introducing CM.

I would absolutely go with the childminder. You've given it a good go and for some reason the current nursery just doesn't suit her.

Even if you decide not to go with the childminder, I'd still try something different for your DD.

That sounds like a really good plan Titchy

If you can't get a nanny with her own child (cheaper) then go for the childminder. If she's willing you could find out if she attends any toddler groups on your days off and join her to supplement the settling sessions? Could your DH take annual leave to allow for shorter days for a while?

I'd move her though.

I actually met this childminder through a baby group which we both attended for about 6 months before I went back to work when DD was 12 months. She was absolutely wonderful & I had no idea the children she had weren't her grandchildren until we got talking. DD likely won't remember her as it's been a long time but I trust this lady entirely & I've seen how attentive she is. From what I've seen, she had 3 children at a time who were all below 3 & occasionally, her adult daughter helps her out.

DD used to go to baby/toddler groups & have a great time. Since nursery, every time we start a new group, she cries hysterically, clings to me & shouts no while pointing at the door because she thinks she's being left at a new nursery. After much reassurance that we are actually at a class and I'm staying, she joins in & enjoys playing with the other children not paying me any attention. It was a bit heartbreaking last week to see her reaction at a new class she mistook for a nursery.

It sounds pathetic & DH doesn't understand, but I do all the nursery drop offs & most mornings, I end up driving to work while either crying or trying not to after hearing her screaming after me & it's really beginning to get to me. She knows she has to stay so she stays in the room and waves me off while crying and shouting after me. It's so sad 😩

Thanks all for your advice. DH thinks we just need to give it more time and that being upset at drop off it a "normal reaction" & she's fine during the day but I don't think this level of upset for months is normal! He's happy to trial other options though.

@Di11y that's what I thought but all the nannies who contacted me with their own children were exactly the same price as the other nannies! Then I think if she's going to be getting 2 to 1 attention, she might as well be with a childminder & not have us worrying about money. If it were just the rate they advertise, we could just about cover it maybe but with their tax, holiday paid leave, maternity pay/sick pay (I know they'd be reimbursed eventually), it just doesn't seem possible. 😪

That level of distress is not normal, poor baby. I'd move her to the childminder immediately.

OP we were in literally the same situation with our little one. Normally bright, sociable baby but hated the nursery environment. We pulled her out and started her with a childminder. Like you I was worried about how well she would settle, should we just keep going with nursery until she eventually settles. She started with the childminder and settled near enough right away. She’s got such a lovely relationship with the CM and just needed that one on one bond. The nursery environment just didn’t suit her. My only regret is that we didn’t do it sooner!

My ds 1 was like this, I gave it a couple of weeks but couldn't stand it any longer.
Mine just didn't like it, and I worried they wouldn't settle at school or be behind but they were fine.
If she prefers 1 to 1 then maybe try a childminder, or nanny.
Poor little mite, how long has this been going on?

I've been a nursery nurse for 20 years. I would take her out of nursery. It's not suiting her for whatever reason. She can't be enjoying it and it's affecting you so badly. Go with the childminder.

My sensitive son hated nursery but loved his childminder- he just couldn't cope with the size and noise of a nursery. Kids are different, and I'd say the smaller setting of a childminder may suit your LO more.

Definitely try the childminders, it's more of a home environment, quieter, more relaxed, more individual attention and they can nap when they need to.

Childminder worked brilliantly for us.
Our dd didn’t settle and after about 3 months we took the decision to look for a childminder, couldn’t do many settle in days cos we were short on annual leave, I’m so thankful we found a childminder who had space for her to start and our dd is a different child there.
Give it a go, it sounds like the nursery environment is not for her.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your experiences with me. It definitely sounds as though the childminder is the right thing for us to do for now. I just wish she could start there immediately rather than in a few weeks time!

Oh bless her, she's in the wrong place. Don't write off all nurseries, some are better than others. DS went to a lovely one where he'd have a cuddle and a nap with his favourite lady during story time- it was a really nurturing environment.

No-brainer, as far as I can see. Pull her out of nursery and go for the child-minder.
You cant continue like this. It sounds cruel to your dd and horrid for you.

Another vote to pull her. I had one child at nursery (she was fine) then the second started at nursery then moved to nanny - best thing I ever did. Out and about all day, baby groups, day trips, massive local network of other nannies/childminders so plenty of socialisation.
Good luck, and comfort yourself it’s only a few more weeks. Oh and can you take a half day or something to go to the baby group the childminder goes to so you can reintroduce them? Personally, I would also do a countdown of ‘number of days left at nursery’ and tick them off (with your DD) you would be surprised how much children understand from an unusually young age!

My dd loved her childminder. She was there from around 1 year old until primary school.
The cm only had a couple of other children and the atmosphere was much calmer than nursery.

Unless you would lose your home with no option of down sizing then I would give up work until she is at school.

Oh crikey I’d move her without a second thought.

My ds is with a childminder who works with her sister and they are honestly the most amazing women, provide my son with care and opportunities that I can’t. He adores them, he can’t wait for his days with them.

Truly, I wouldn’t want my ds in a nursery and a worked in one for years. It’s not the right environment for my child. You have to do what’s best for your child, you can’t do this time again and you’ll always look back on how the time has made you feel. Good luck, hope your little one is happier

@MyDcAreMarvel that's not an option. I'm medically trained so can't take 4 years away without it impacting my skills or ability to work in my role again in the future. I also don't think it's necessary. Like I said, she enjoys meeting new people & spending time with people & is perfectly happy being left with family members having met them a few times. Just not in nursery!

Thank you everyone else for your wonderful reassurance. I think I just needed to be told I wasn't taking her away to start with a CM which would I unsettle her even more. I'm trying to get as much help from family (albeit meaning travelling from abroad!) as possible to limit her days at nursery to a bare minimum if any, until she can swap across.