Pulling her out of nursery?!

[Strawberryoxygenbubbles]

I'd greatly appreciate any advice or experience anyone can offer!

DD is 15 Months. Has been at nursery 2 days a week since May. Hasn't settled very well. Every morning, as soon as she recognises the turn off the road to the nursery, she cries & gasps for breath (in the same hysterical cry she does when she's hurt herself). She'll continue crying & shout after me & every day I'm told to call to check she's settled when I arrive at work. I'm getting worn down seeing her so upset every week. Apparently she's fine half an hour after drop off & will then whimper throughout the day everytime the door opens when she realises it's not me but it's still horrible. The nursery have said she's fine when she has 1 to 1 attention with one of her key workers otherwise she struggles with new people or being alone. She's there for 11 hour days & this is our only option due to our work hours. We've tried starting off with half days and increasing gradually. Half days were as bad as full days. It made no difference.

When she's at home or toddler groups, she's confident & doesn't use a dummy/gets involved. At nursery, all the photos I'm sent, she has a dummy & is clinging to her teddy as though she's desperately trying to comfort herself. They say she never sets the teddy down which isn't usually the case unless she's in bed.

For reference, she's met her grandparents less than 10 times due to distance. She'll happily stay with them in our home when we go out so it's not just about wanting to be with us. She'll also stay with them at their home which she's only been to a handful of times when we leave her.

Nannies have proven to be too expensive for us to afford comfortably. A lovely childminder has offered us a space. I'm worried we'll abandon ship at the nursery & things won't improve. Obviously she'd then have 1 key adult looking after her though which I'm hopeful will help. She took weeks to "settle" at the nursery so doing 1/2 trials with the childminder aren't going to be especially helpful. What would you do in my position? I can't cut my hours back any more. My DH & I both work compressed hours/part time combination to be at home 5 days a week with her & need us both to be at work.

Advice please! What can I do to help her?

I cant believe people are saying quit your job!

I can't believe you think she shouldn't
A child in an environment where she is clearly unhappy, a husband who thinks the child should stay there even more
Nobody putting this poor child first, it's disgusting.
OP family are abroad and child minder not sorted/ starting yet.
Surely, OP could get compassionate leave until it was sorted, at least.

romany

no, the only disgusting person here is you.

OP is trying her bloody best here, she is doing the right thing. She has noticed a problem and she is doing her bloody best. She sounds like a fantastic mother.

You on the other hand seem to lack any compassion and live in some fantasy world where you can quit work at the drop of a hat or get compassionate leave! I mean come on!!

I don't know many employers that would offer compassionate level for a child who doesn't like nursery.

If the op puts her job / career in jeopardy, reduced income, bills potentially not being paid.....where does that leave the child?

flamingo

I'll take disgusting if that means I wouldn't leave my child distressed for 4 months.
Obviously you think this is normal, too.
I pity the poor kids, they do remember you know.
Mine was only upset for 2 weeks, I gave that time to settle, nobody I know would leave it 4 months and still be sending them.

romany nobody has said its normal, in fact its quite an unusual scenario because it doesn't usually take children so long to settle at a nursery/childcare. Having said that, every child is different and it takes them all different lengths of time to be happy in new environments.

Op is doing her best, and nasty comments from idiots like you who think you know best do not help at all. She started this thread asking for advice, that alone quite clearly shows that she has her childs best interest at heart. If she didn't give a shit she wouldn't have even questioned why the child was upset, would she?

Not everyone has the luxury of quitting work at the drop of a hat. That does NOT make you a bad parent.

Also, they don't remember at that age. Can you remember anything from being 15 months old? I certainly cant. Once OP has her at a childminders, and she's settled, she'll be fine. She will certainly have no recollection of this in a few years until OP tells her about it!

I pity your poor kids with a judgemental ignorant mother like you.

I beg to differ they do remember, unless mine is a special case.
The OP husband wants his child to stay at the nursery, please read the thread.
The mother and father have allowed their child to be in an environment that distresses the child, not just for a few weeks but months.
So, yes I'm judging, maybe you are the same as OP, so can't see the damage.
Never mind the child will probably take as much care in the home she chooses for her parents, with any luck.
So call me what you like I'm not the cruel parent, but will butt out now because obviously careers are more important than a childs well being these days.

Pile in with the guilt trip Romany why not???

Has it occurred to you that actually 4mths is 16 weeks, 2 days a week is 28 days?

Thats not actually a very long time for a child to get used to a new environment, new routine, new staff, new babies.

Sorry forgive my maths 32 days!

But actually since those months were over summer theres a fair bet they Op had a couple of weeks holiday So it probably is only 28 days.

Struth why don’t you try to kick the OP a bit more Romany? What made you in such a bad mood?

OP my DD wasn’t happy at her 1st nursery. Nothing wrong with it. But unhappy. We changed nursery and she settled in about a month. I worried that change would be unsettling but actually I think they’re generally very rhobust about change when happy. We double nurseried for a bit as I wanted to keep places ‘open’ in case the other one was worse but it wasn’t. I did make her go to the old one until notice periods played out etc which she wasn’t happy with. I explained that we had to give notice, that I had listened to the fact that she was unhappy and that we were changing things. I think the being ‘listened to’ almost made her more reassured than the action itself if that makes sense.

My DD2 started nursery at 12 months, hated it and I pulled her out at 15 months and sent her to a CM. She was there for a year and happily went to nursery full time at 21 months (bit of overlap). It had to be done so I went for it. Go with heart over head on this one I'd say.

Never mind the child will probably take as much care in the home she chooses for her parents, with any luck
romany she's 15 months, she wont remember and its extremely unlikely it will have done her any long lasting damage.

like a pp said its 2 days a week for 4 months, which isn't actually that long really.

im pretty sure OP hasn't said her career is more important either

get back under your bridge.

“Just quit your job” hahahahahahhahaah.

Mumsnet is fucking unbelievable sometimes.

Don’t listen to these crazy people OP. Sounds like a CM would be a better fit for your child. Go for it and don’t look back.

DS didn't settle at all at nursery (he also cried on the way there once he realised where he was going), no evidence of anything untoward and he was always happy at pickup, just hated the drop off. He settled very quickly with our CM (we ran both in tandem because the CM will have annual leave so we needed that covering). I think the setting was more comforting as it was a home and less hustle and bustle.

Unfortunately I was made redundant 9 months ago, but DS has settled quickly at school nursery this September. I was a bit worried but no tears. He's obviously grown a lot since January.

Thank you so much everyone. Except @RomanyRoots like I said, I've had no option. We've used all our parental leave/annual leave. Our child had significant medical issues so we've used every type of leave we have up for that so we don't have anything left. We've taken months of unpaid leave to be with her during those months of medical issues, we can't afford any more & we have to work to keep a roof over her head. 2 days a week is the bare minimum we can afford to do. But thank you for your "useful" insight.