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Original poster

Pulling her out of nursery?!

64 replies

Strawberryoxygenbubbles · 30/09/2018 20:37

I'd greatly appreciate any advice or experience anyone can offer!

DD is 15 Months. Has been at nursery 2 days a week since May. Hasn't settled very well. Every morning, as soon as she recognises the turn off the road to the nursery, she cries & gasps for breath (in the same hysterical cry she does when she's hurt herself). She'll continue crying & shout after me & every day I'm told to call to check she's settled when I arrive at work. I'm getting worn down seeing her so upset every week. Apparently she's fine half an hour after drop off & will then whimper throughout the day everytime the door opens when she realises it's not me but it's still horrible. The nursery have said she's fine when she has 1 to 1 attention with one of her key workers otherwise she struggles with new people or being alone. She's there for 11 hour days & this is our only option due to our work hours. We've tried starting off with half days and increasing gradually. Half days were as bad as full days. It made no difference.

When she's at home or toddler groups, she's confident & doesn't use a dummy/gets involved. At nursery, all the photos I'm sent, she has a dummy & is clinging to her teddy as though she's desperately trying to comfort herself. They say she never sets the teddy down which isn't usually the case unless she's in bed.

For reference, she's met her grandparents less than 10 times due to distance. She'll happily stay with them in our home when we go out so it's not just about wanting to be with us. She'll also stay with them at their home which she's only been to a handful of times when we leave her.

Nannies have proven to be too expensive for us to afford comfortably. A lovely childminder has offered us a space. I'm worried we'll abandon ship at the nursery & things won't improve. Obviously she'd then have 1 key adult looking after her though which I'm hopeful will help. She took weeks to "settle" at the nursery so doing 1/2 trials with the childminder aren't going to be especially helpful. What would you do in my position? I can't cut my hours back any more. My DH & I both work compressed hours/part time combination to be at home 5 days a week with her & need us both to be at work.

Advice please! What can I do to help her?

OP posts:
Teddy334 · 01/10/2018 14:20

Bless you OP sounds like it’s been really stressful. I can remember how awful it was when we were going through the same with my DD. I was concerned about the lack of settling in sessions we were able to do with the CM (she only did one for a couple of hours then had to do a full day straight away) but she was absolutely fine. I think she was just so relieved not to be amongst the nursery chaos. The first time I collected her she wasn’t actually that fussed about coming away where at nursery she had always been desperate to get out! Wishing you the best of luck and glad you’ve been reassured by others who have had a similar experience.

pointythings · 01/10/2018 15:20

I'm a big fan of nurseries, but honestly - it doesn't suit everyone and I don't think it suits your DD. I hope the childminder works out for both of your.Flowers

RomanyRoots · 01/10/2018 15:47

Aw, keep her at home with you.
Medically trained or not, I'd put my child first, please don't send her one more time, poor little mite needs somebody who cares. Sad
I can't believe this has been going on since May and you have left her there.

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KarineAimee · 01/10/2018 16:57

Just chiming in with another positive childminder story, my daughter has been going to ours since she was 10 months old. They adore each other and my little one has made fab friends with the other children there.
I trust our CM 100% and can’t imagine feeling like that about a nursery with lots of staff. Go for the CM, the peace of mind will make work so much easier Smile

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/10/2018 19:09

that's not an option. I'm medically trained so can't take 4 years away without it impacting my skills or ability to work in my role again in the future
I don’t doubt that but your daughter is very distressed surely she is more important than your career?

dontcallmelen · 01/10/2018 19:40

Can you not at least make sure, she doesn’t have to go to the nursery untill she starts with the CM even if it does mean a few off days from work, this poor child is obviously distressed & appears this situation has been going on for some time, enough now I think OP.

Sunisshining3228 · 01/10/2018 20:18

MyDcareMarvel careful with that advice...
My mum did that with us with the best of intentions and I wish truly I had been to childminder or nursery when I was little.
Mums mental health in my case...but everyone is different. For me sharing parenting with another great person in the form of my childminder and keeping my job has been the best thing for me and dd and dp for quite a few reasons.

DryIce · 01/10/2018 20:24

My 1yo is at nursery, and he has settled in great and seems to enjoy it - I say this not to rub it in, but to point out that I am definitely not anti nurseries. But your little girl sounds so distressed, it doesn't sound like it is the right place for her. I would give the childminder a go

CheerfulMuddler · 01/10/2018 20:44

Take her out of nursery and put her in the childminder's. She sounds lovely and childminder's is really a very different scenario to a nursery.
You sound like a lovely mum working really hard to make this work for you and your family. Your daughter is really lucky to have you.

Version2point0 · 01/10/2018 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Strawberryoxygenbubbles · 01/10/2018 22:44

@RomanyRoots "needs someone who cares". Hmm she's been off for the last 6 weeks.

OP posts:
GingerFrogs · 01/10/2018 22:48

she won't settle with the CM quickly after the shock of nursery but I think it sounds like 100% the right thing to do. can you take some leave for her last few weeks and spend time at the same groups as the cm so you "meet" her there?

Tatiebee · 01/10/2018 22:49

Definitely try the childminder. They will usually offer you a series of settling in sessions where you visit with your little one the first time and then try leaving her for increasing intervals from an hour onwards.

Baregrylls · 01/10/2018 22:51

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Original poster
Strawberryoxygenbubbles · 01/10/2018 22:52

@CheerfulMuddler thank you so much for your lovely message. That really made me smile. We don't have a lot of family support & we've used so much leave trying to keep her at home as much as possible alongside both working the minimum hours we can financially.

I hate leaving her at nursery upset but I just haven't had any other option at times Sad

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 01/10/2018 22:53

Childminder sounds like a better plan. I understand you need to be back at work. Both of you. But is it possible to spread it out. It might seem compressing gives you more time with your DD at home. But might it actually work better if she had 3 or 4 shorter days with CM? Sometimes that makes it easier to settle and establish a routine for childcare. Five days at home and two at nursery/ CM is a big gap for a wee one . Just a thought.

RandomMess · 01/10/2018 22:56

CM sounds much better but you may have to bold it up by visiting daily, then leaving her daily for an hour so etc.

Can you take DD to visit regularly now and ask if the CM will come to yours to visit with her mindees?

Original poster
Strawberryoxygenbubbles · 01/10/2018 22:56

@GingerFrogs yes she's only in childcare 2 days a week as DH & I both work part time/compressed hours so one of us is at home with her the other 5 days which means we've arranged to meet the childminder at some groups on our days off. Hopefully that will help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryoxygenbubbles · 01/10/2018 22:59

@MsPavlichenko unfortunately that's not an option for us due to our jobs. I don't think the hours are the issue, if anything, I think less days are better than shorter days as it's drop offs she struggles most with. She's more than happy being left with family she's met a handful of times all day so I'm hoping a childminder will be a similar story! I think she just finds nursery too chaotic.

OP posts:
DrWhy · 01/10/2018 23:00

I’m usually very pro-nursery, our DS is very happy at his and has been there since he was 9 months but that level of distress sounds awful, it clearly doesn’t suit her for some reason. A childminder or another nursery could work much better.
Don’t let PP get to you, she’s with you or her dad 5 days a week, which is an amazing achievement on your part with you both working, DS is in nursery 5 days a week about 8 1/2 hours a day, 2 long days is just fine.

MsPavlichenko · 01/10/2018 23:06

I thought that might be the case when I saw where you worked, just a suggestion. I am sure CM will be best option and sounds like you have found the perfect one!

Hope it all goes well, am sure it will. Try not to worry !

bronwyn11 · 02/10/2018 00:23

I cant believe people are saying quit your job! I totally understand where your coming from as I am in the medical field also. Yes ur children are the most important thing in your life but your career is important too. I'm sure it took years of studying and working your way up and nobody should throw that away lightly. Kids are only little for a short time, she will soon be in school and you will be glad you've got a job to occupy you (and pay the bills). You've done ur best keeping your DD at home 5 days a week and not sacrificing your career which I think is brilliant. My DC have been at nursery from 9 months old 2 days a week for 10 hours a day. They have loved it and it's been great learning environment for them. It's what needs to be done to keep work life balance so don't let people make u feel guilty about that.
That particular nursery isn't for her so I def agree you should try a different option to find what works for u. Would applying for parental leave be an option In the short term just until u her her settled with childminder?

catgee · 02/10/2018 01:59

Oh that must be so upsetting for you! Our DS is at nursery full time 5 days per week and I don't know how we'd manage if he didn't love it. It is normal for children to cry when they are dropped off etc - you're their favourite people in the world so of course they'd rather stay with you - but it's not normal for them to stay upset and unsettled all day. I definitely think you'd be doing the right thing trying a childminder instead. Hope you manage to figure something out for her soon.

AvoidingDM · 02/10/2018 05:20

I'm normally very pro nursery and would struggle to put that much trust into one person ie childminder.

But you've seen this one at work. Your DD is miserable. Screaming before you get to nursery is just alien to me. 11 hrs is long days.

I think you need to move her and try CM. Hopefully the less structure, more consistency in carer will make the difference.
Good luck

ittakes2 · 02/10/2018 05:48

I would have pulled her out of this nursery sooner. Something there is bothering her - it doesn't have to be sinister. My daughter went to two nurseries during the same period. One she went in no problems, the other she cried so much she would vomit. I stopped it after a couple of weeks. Never worked out why she did this - even now she has memories of this nursery but not why she hated it.

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