Is this incestuous?

[anonymous18]

In the interests of keeping this as unidentifiable as possible I will be pretty vague so I apologise in advance for this.

I am falling for someone who is in my extended family, although not directly related to me.

They are my aunts ex husbands DN, so my cousin's cousin.

Does that make them my cousin? Could there be any possibility of a successful relationship in this circumstance?

Or would it be considered incestuous and gross?

No blood relation?

No, I think you're fine.

You arent blood related so it's fine.......bit of an odd set up tho 🤔

No blood relation no, but I think 2nd cousins through marriage?

This persons uncle used to be married to my aunt.

No you're fine, I grew up knowing a married couple who were first cousins meaning their children were also their cousins

I believe even first cousins can legally marry in the U.K, although most people would find it weird. This is distant relation by marriage, it’s fine.

You're not related to this person. How can you therefore think that it might be incestuous?. It doesn't make sense.

To clarify were I think you are confused

Incest = actual blood relative

NOT

A person who is treated by custom as part of the family

Also growing up the mother of someone I knew after having divorced their Dad married her former FIL. That also wasn't incest, as grim and incest seeming as that is because their was no BLOOD link between FIL and DIL

That is not a relationship at all. There is absolutely no blood link or shared ancestry, and most people don't even know the cousin of their cousin, really. And that's not what a second cousin is. A second cousin is the son/daughter of one of your parents' cousins. So you share a set of great grandparents with them.

I guess the worry is that if something were to develop and we told family members I think there would be some extreme reactions, particularly with the family members we share.
So while I know it's not legally incest, I was just wondering what general reactions to this type of circumstance would be.

Oh God. Marrying your father-in-law

@WolfhoundsofLove I know right? All I really remember is my DM judging massively, and me being about 11 and instinctively agreeing that it was gross and weird.

You are really overthinking this! You are not related, believe me. As a matter of interest, in the UK it is fine to marry even your first cousin, (not OK in some other countries) but it seems that a lot of people feel a bit icky about that. Perhaps that IS a bit close genetically. But again, you are not related to your cousin's cousin - how could you be?

@anonymous18

I don't understand why they would unless you've grown up like siblings which seems unlikely for a cousins cousin

My own cousins have often referred to their other cousins and I've literally never seen a picture and know virtually nothing about them, so in this case your family must be a bit over involved and in each other's pockets and all local for this to be a big deal. My family is quite spread out and we don't tell each other everything

Incest = Parent, Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, Sibling

It doesn't even include your OWN cousin never mind THEIR cousin your aunt/uncles niece/nephew by marriage.

I only know one of my (many) cousins (many) cousins, and thats only because the other grandparents of one set of cousins lived next door to our shared grandparents. Would be considered interesting but not weird in our family. My friend started seeing a guy and it later transpired that he was my friends half sisters half brother (both parents had affairs). Friends sister wanted them to get married so she could get a card that said "Congratulations to my Brother and Sister on your Wedding Day" :o

@PawneeParksDept the person with whom the relationship/attraction is developing and the cousin we have in common live in a very picturesque touristy place, at the other end of the country from my home town, during school holidays as I child I would live at my aunts for 4-6 weeks every year.
The person in question as well as all of their relatives also lived in this tiny village. So we would all spend every day together for around 6 weeks per year as children.
As I got older I stopped going for the summers, so we hadn't seen each other for a long time. He text to say he was in my home town for the weekend and would I like to meet for a drink and things have escalated a little from there.

I really think that's fine as you only saw each other in summer and there's been a significant gap

Float the idea that you "think he'd make someone a lovely boyfriend" and see the reaction

If it's EWWW why would you say so ?

There's a problem

If it's well why not you?

Then you'll know

@PawneeParksDept great suggestion. Thanks

The fact that you played together as children doesn't make it weird! Plenty of couples in small communities (especially in the past, when people often didn't leave their hometown) grew up knowing one another from childhood. Nah, I wouldn't worry about it. You don't need anyone's approval for this relationship, at all.

That doesn't seem weird to me at all. In terms of playing together as kids, plenty of people are in relationships with people they've known since they were small. And in terms of the family relationship, I'm not sure I have any idea who my ex-uncle's own nephews are--certainly not anyone I really even consider a relative.

It's fine.

If you get a hard time from extended family, you just look confused say 'what's the issue?' When they try and push it, you continue to look confused and say 'but we're not related'.

If they continue to push it (they really are a knob), you just say 'I think you're confused', and leave it.

Take the wind out of their sails - no need to give a defensive reaction.

Two of my cousins from different sides are married. No question of incest, they aren’t related. They first met as children at family parties and then met up again when they went to the same university. I can see that your relationship might cause some short-term comment from family members, but it isn’t weird. On the contrary, you already know a bit about your potential boyfriend and that's a good thing.

I married my cousin’s wife’s cousin. It wasn’t at all weird though we didn’t grow up together.