Were you in the "popular group" at school, and how content are you now?

[TulipsInBloom1]

In my old secondary, there were four groups.

The Popular Group - usually (not always) sporty, a broad mix of academic ability. One of you was always head girl or boy alongside a Nerd. Slightly cheely chappie, usually lead the way in terms of bag choices/make up/music etc. Most vocal. Most known amongst the staff. Held the parties.

The Wider Circle - the peripheral group on the fringes of the Popular. Sometimes pulled into the fold if it became known your parents would allow booze at a house party, but in the main, left out of it. But always with an eye out incase an opening came up. Bought the bags and wore the makeup but just never quite got in there. Swung between caring about this and enjoying the reduced pressure.

The Invisibles - the ones who toed the line. Generally followed the rules. Never cared about being a Popular, but maybe a bit hmm about feeling like you didnt quite fit in. People dont remember you from school. Maybe you got left out of the yearbook list because you just got forgotten. Content with your friendship circle at school. Vague nerdyish tendencies which make you empathetic to the kid who got the piss ripped out of him for wearing his tie down past his crotch.

The Nerds - Back before Big Bang theory came along and made nerdism cool, when carrying a briefcase wasnt ironic, and you were singled out from playing war games and chess. Your parent was a school govenor, or worse, a teacher.

Which group did you fit into? Or were there more groups?

And how would you rate your life now?

I was an Invisible. I think I swung into Peripheral in y8 and y9, then back out again. It was too much.

My life now id say im a 9 out of 10. Happy. Content. I have what I wanted in terms of home and relationship. Id like to have used my further education more in work. I do sometimes wonder what people at school are up to (am in touch with 4, regularly, in my friendship circle, out of a yeargroup of around 200).

So Invisible. 9/10.

I was popular then peripheral, puppy fat, spots etc, then grew into my looks and became quite funny/class clown and was popular again. If I'm honest I did want to be in the popular group. I didn't have the looks so I used humour! It was a huge group though and by sixth form we had separated and left 6 of us who then mellowed and got on with everyone. We remained friends throughout Uni years and adult good. They're like sisters to me.
I'm very happy with what I achieved and how I've progressed in my career but in a small way I have been 'held back' I did just 'enough' at school to get on and didn't want to appear too try hard and had a crazy social life to keep up. I also never lived away for that long. A few years here and there, same as all my best friends.

I was a nerd, overweight and wore a lot of black, bullied for having a teacher as a parent. It got a bit better by the final year, when we had all grown up a bit and the groups had dissolved a bit. Also, I had a little more confidence, and looked a little better by then.

I’m really happy now, married to the love of my life, great kids, good qualifications and a job I love, good relationships with family.

But, I always carry that unhappy 15 year old around with me, she escapes when I’m vulnerable. I’m still not great at making friends, I don’t trust easily and keep people at arms length. I have one close friend from school, although we didn’t become friends until after we left, but she’s the only person other than DH that I fully trust. I’m in my 40s now, and it gets less and less difficult with each passing year, I finally feel like I don’t care what other people think of me, most of the time.

I was in a great position: didn't like popular stuff was a rock chick who still liked Take That. Had a great group of close friends but was also hardworking, slightly funny and cheeky and smoked occasionally so was friendly with most other kids: bad girls , studious types, Asian girls.

This is really interesting to read. Its incredibly sad reading the accounts here of bullying and how it has had such an effect on your happiness as an adult.

I wonder if any school bullies now adults end up reading this.

No ome popular in our school was a head boy or girl lol

I was the weird goth girl with no friends and undiagnosed ASD who was afraid of teachers, too nervous to speak to people and hardly ever turned up at school but got top marks when she did. My teenage years were the low point of my life and school did incredible damage to my sense of self-worth. Despite my academic ability, I left at 16 believing myself a failure. It took a long time and lots of therapy to recover.

I'm now in my early thirties, still weird, but much more confident and very, very happy.

I was the only Biker chick, I guess you'd call it, black leather biker jacket, black jeans, t-shirt and jumpers, burgundy hair..

Was never bullied. Like some else up post, I had a reputation for being hard, no idea where that came from..

Didn't/still don't give a toss about what people think of me...
And still wear a lot of black, have ventured into blue jeans very occasionally, but black is my comfort zone.

8/10 simply because I have a couple of health problems, but otherwise happy enough.

I was bullied. This post makes me sad.
It had a profound affect on my personality and confidence and although I blossomed at college and made lasting friendships there and at Uni it still stays with me. My middle daughter is the image of me and is a sensitive soul. I'm trying to boost her confidence all the time but am terrified for her to go to secondary school.

I failed all my GCSEs - sometimes the bullies threatened me before and after exams. But went to college and uni and got a degree. I have a very attractive husband and very good looking kids! When the populars that do speak to me they've said how good I look.

One of my bullies ended up jumping in front of a train when he was around 19, he was smart, very popular and good looking.

I was an invisible I suppose (average looking and average academic ability) at the start of high school but had a good group of friends. Then one friend really became ambitious about wanting to be a 'popular' and formally announced to us she wasn't going to hang out with us anymore because this was her 'one chance to be friends with them'.

The thing is, we found the populars very dull. A few small parties (the one I went to was just people sitting around socially awkward and/ or stoned out the game). Me and my BF decided to create our own cool and went to clubs (massively underage!) and gigs, went back stage (stuff I'd never let my DD do!).

After school though my BF still believed life was drawn along these dividing lines and treated me like I was beneath her. Its given me a few trust issues with making friends tbh, especially with women. I'm pretty content with my lot though.

Interestingly the girls who were considered good looking were considered pretty average looking within the next few years. But the confidence those earlier years gave them seems to have been maintained in adulthood. Whereas my colleague who was bullied at school for being 'fat' has low self confidence but I think she is gorgeous.

Invisible nerd. 9/10 and I have the most amazing group of friends. But my sister was super popular and gorgeous at school and she still is, and would probably say 9/10 too. I’m not convinced of a correlation.

After posting on this thread last night it got me thinking and I ended up feeling really sad. So, what would help our teenage selves or teenagers of today do you think? Most of us are acknowledging the importance of studying but also the need to fit in/find your people. How can the two be reconciled? How can we help our own dc through this stage? Mine are young still but ds is a mini me in terms of sensitivity and lack of social skills and I worry for him

What are the solutions?

I was somewhere between the slutty and popular group. Too lazy to be academic but very sporty, had all the designer stuff/wealthy parents, went through boyfriends like pages in a book, had sex early amongst our peer group.

Life now 8/10 maybe.

School was many many many years ago so if you're looking for a correlation, I don't think you'll find one?

Lower than low, bullied constantly, a loser mess now.
If any of you were a 'popular' bully who thought they had the right to ruin others' self-esteem and indeed lives, I hope you're fucking miserable too.

I was a nerd. I was really bright but crap at sport and I really struggled with friendships in the lower years of secondary school. I just couldn't find my niche. I was very lonely for years, but never told anyone because I was too ashamed. I had come to the conclusion that there was something very wrong with me, and it was all my own fault.

Somehow, miraculously, in the sixth form, I suddenly found myself in the popular group. I had worked closely during the GCSE years with the girl who eventually became headgirl, and we had got on really well. She was super-popular, but genuinely valued difference. She looked straight past all of the superficial stuff and didn't expect everyone to conform or be the same. For some reason, she adopted me into her friendship group and all of her friends suddenly found my geekiness "cool". Amazingly, I was accepted as I was, and didn't have to try to fit in. I had two very happy years, but the feeling of being unlikable never really left me. It still holds me back now, to the extent that I never initiate social events or friendships because deep down, I can't believe that anyone would actually want to spend time with me.

Overall, my life is good now. Successful career, happy marriage, gorgeous dd. I do have friends, too, but wish I was more socially confident. I've lost touch with my school friends over the years, but my dd shares a name with that wonderful girl who took me under her wing. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

As for my dd, she is a very different child to me. Not sure where I'd place her tbh. She works incredibly hard in school and has some quite geeky interests. She is also totally uninterested in trying to fit in or be "cool". On the other hand, she is incredibly confident, seems to command the respect of even the "cool" kids and is always surrounded by loads of friends. I think the thing that makes me happiest is that her friends are an eclectic bunch - some very quiet and nerdy, others super-confident and "cool". There is a place for all of them in her world, and I love that.

Misty9

I think resilience is important & want my kids to have it, although I’m not sure if it’s innate. I was never too preoccupied with what people thought of me at school (don’t remember ever thinking about it tbh), if we were out & others were drinking /smoking weed I never felt any pressure. I did feel a bit skinny & wanted Cindy Crawfords figure so never had dieting pressure but did do lots of sport.

Actually I did feel the odd one out at uni initially because coming from London to a smaller town I found it weird that there was more of a thing to get really dressed up & look similar. I didn’t feel bad about it, I was confident they were the “odd”
ones, after all I used to work on Bond St, now that may be resilience or arrogance!

I think you need more groups in that list.

Me, I'm not quite sure where I fit into that list, or any if I'm honest.

I had the popular girls attempt to bully me, but I found them pretty hilarious as they weren't that bright & if I ever did engage with them, I could run rings round them. Physically nobody attempted to hurt me as I was fearless & wouldn't back down which I think given I was tiny, unnerved people. I also had a very bad temper if I saw anyone bullying younger, smaller kids.

I had one friend in my first high school & kept away from the rest of them & kept my head down & mostly worked, I was also a bit alternative, though not so obvious with strict uniform rules. So somewhere between nerdy & alternative I suppose. It could have been totally shit if I let it bother me, but I didn't.

Now, bar health issues, I've had a bloody good life, so 10/10

I was popular - and I am still hugely sociable. I have friendships dating back to primary school as well as friendships with neighbours, ex-colleagues, ex-flatmates etc
Some people thrive on being around others just as some prefer a quieter life.

@misty

I can only speak for myself, but looking back I can see I was very resilient & looked Dow on anyone who bullied others, I also didn't feel the need to fit it.

I think I can thank my Nana for that as I was brought up not to fear bullies, but see them as dim & hit back harder if they hurt me. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall" etc were common mantras from my nana & it stuck with me. First time anyone attempted to bully me, I was only 5 years old & I remember it clearly, going home crying about it, had my mother upset, but my nana raging, she told me to not give in to bullies, they are always the weaker person & smack them back harder. I went into school the next day & did exactly that. My nana was right, they never bothered me again.

Though I tried that with my own daughter, but she's a stickler for school rules & wouldn't break rules by hitting anyone. Things were different with that in my day. DD did once smack one of her bully's back outside of school though & that definitely made them back off & was very empowering for her.

It's a tough one, because we are all different & what works for one, might not for another. I do think my nanas attitude was a good life lesson to me, in that it taught me to never back down on a fight that was worth winning, or to walk away & laugh at them if there was nothing to win. She showed it with her actions too, she was a tiny, seemingly reserved but very fearless woman, who took no shit from anyone. I've some great stories to tell on that score. The day she stormed a Council meeting with me in tow & emptied a waste bin over the councillors head & announce to the meeting "he's rubbish at the job, so that suits him nicely" was a favourite memory of her. (She was fighting for local drains to be fixed after a few falls by local elderly neighbours)

I think her words & actions were inspirational to me, but maybe I inherited a bit of her spark too, I'm not sure, but it got me through school unscathed.

I'm really sorry for those of you who are still suffering from being bullied and feeling the effects into your adult life. What turned it around for me was the mindset I was going to take control of my own mind and life. It took a while and it's about state of mind. When I became mentally strong I knew I would be an amazing person and achieve great things. It's in your head those voices. I also wrote to my bully and told her about my great life. I knew it would be a one way letter. I sent it to her to the school that she was teaching in with no return address. Ironically isn't it. A school. I sent it anonymously . I wrote that she was a nasty child and what she did at school was really unforgiveable. Buy I forgave her and it was thanks to her and the child in me has grown up to be resilient and strong. I gave her credit for my glorious life. I wished my bully the very best even though i know she now has a shit life with struggles. Her Facebook is too visible. It's what you make of it and I always tell myself that I would wake up and be the best version of myself even if I can't control all the externals. Life is good and can be for you too.

Invisible but good to take the piss out of, I tried so hard to be liked and popular until a trip away (where 2 boys took all our stuff out of our well travelled in coach seats because they wanted the seats - tipped into the aisle for people to walk on and EVERYONE even the teachers, told ME not to make a fuss and move for them!!) After that the scales fell and I had a hard 'fuck everyone' attitude. My go to phrase was "fuck off and die"

Except my close circle of fellow invisibles who I'm still friends with today. Good life though, excellent DH amazing DD. It's left some scars, I automatically assume I'm boring and won't be liked with new people, so I can't do small talk and make friends, most friends I know are because of DH. He has the make friends naturally and easily gift.

Reading about people who were bullied on this thread makes me sad. I wasn't a bully at school but I did see it going on sometimes and I didn't do anything to help because I didn't want to be bullied myself. I cared too much about what people thought of me back then.

I'd always stand up for someone getting bullied nowadays.

I wasn't ever bullied, but also never bullied anyone.

I was Head Girl in 6th Form and was sporty and academic, but I don't think I was ever really the centre of the Populars; part of them, yes, but never Queen Bee.

My parents sent me quite a way from home to a school that was very pushy so academic children were almost revered rather than considered nerds. I think their choice of school had a huge impact on my experience.

I'm very happy now, and very lucky to be living a lovely life.

I was a peripheral and I still hate the limelight. DD, who is very similar to me in personality, is a nerd and proud. But nerdism enjoys kudos and status at her school: nerds herd in packs and are status-driven.

Popular indie kid
Now prob swings between 6/10 and 8/10
I’m quite lonely. I have a dh and 3 dc but not many friends. I don’t work. Look after my elderly parents a lot. But life I guess has been kind to me on the whole. I am very happy with my family life. Would just like more of my friends to value me the way I value them.