5 months into '2 under 2' and it's still shit

[Makon]

I have two children separated by about 17 months and it's still not getting any better. For the first few weeks I kept telling myself it would be fine soon: my eldest wouldn't be stuck in front of videos every day, we would eat proper meals three times a day, we would leave the house for at least an hour every day etc. But time has dragged on and on now and I'm still a shit, shit, shit "housebound" mother.

I'm breastfeeding my youngest but she's shit at it (everything medical checked, suspected milk intolerance so I'm dairy free) and she also hates buggies and the car. She tolerates a carrier for around an hour before I have to take her out and carry her. Which is of course not practical with a toddler. She screams as soon as I open the car door and doesn't stop until I take her out. We've changed car seats twice. She doesn't ever tire herself out like other babies. Her record is 35 minutes of screaming before I had to stop for fear of smashing my car into a wall. I leave the house very rarely because of this, and normally only on the rare occasions when I can find someone else to come with.

My eldest goes to nursery one full day a week which is all we can afford, and because when I return to work next year it will be the only day we need it for her. I also attend a PND group for two hours a week on the insistence of my concerned HV, but I'm not depressed, just annoyed that my baby is difficult when everyone else's just sit quietly in their prams, or at least sleep in the car!

My husband works various shifts so I can sometimes not really see him for days on end, or for only a few good waking hours a week. My family are very supportive but I feel like a failure for putting myself on them. I try groups but leaving the house is just SO difficult because of the way my youngest is, and the thought of trying to control the eldest while the youngest screams in front of a room full of people makes me cry.

To sum up, I currently spend 3-5 days inside for the entire day. My almost two year old usually has a dummy in and sits in front of Mr Tumble or Bing for 70% of the day while I feed the baby and hold her (because it's the only way she will sleep and not scream). Please dear God someone tell me they've been in at least a slightly similar situation and that it will improve. If not I feel I may as well give my eldest up for adoption.

(This post was intended more of a rant than anything so it's been marginally therapeutic just getting it out!)

If breastfeeding isn't working, would you consider stopping?

Also look at slings and baby carriers?

I don't have two kids I only have one but I understand completely how you feel because my daughter who has just turned two was an absolute nightmare for the first year she hated her pram we got three different ones still hated it hated her car seat got two different car seat still couldn't stand it! she wanted to be held all the time she would only sleep in the day if it was on me which meant I could get nothing done and she would not go to sleep at night only if I rocked her to sleep and even then she would only sleep maybe an hour at the most, and then I would have to go back in and rock her again it was very difficult for probably I'd say the first 10 months and then it got a little bit easier she is now just turned two at the beginning of September and she decided to drop her nap and refuses to sleep in the day she won't even go to sleep in the car like she used to so I still cant get anything done she's also very clingy and I find myself giving her the iPad 80% of the time just so I can have five minutes to myself and get a few jobs done.... we have planned baby #2 but that won't be happening till she is three and in nursery because I think I'd go insane and end up in a mental asylum

As long as your all clean

(Daughter pressed post see what I mean? )

As long as you're all clean and dressed and happy I wouldn't worry too much most kids don't get to go out on a daily basis anyway I try and aim for a good day out twice a week and are usually take her to soft play because she can just run around and do what she wants anyway..

Thank you both. I am currently in the process of trying to move to formula but assume if I stop entirely my boobs won't thank me so trying to figure out the best way! I'm also not sure how much easier it will be to make bottles with the two of them under my feet than it currently is. I feel like either way I'm fucked, but I'm probably in a vicious circle of negative thinking, as they tell me at my group

Super tough!

Do you live somewhere where you can walk out of the house even if it is just for a 30 minute walk? Do you have a garden? Have you learnt to breastfeed in your carrier? That was a lifesaver for me - allowing me to prepare food or wee while feeding.

I never did solve the car seat thing. A problem given where we live. At 6 months I would try an iPad to entertain her while driving but it didn't always work until a year. And I could never put either of mine in a car to fall asleep until they were 18 months. It is a big part of there not being a third

It will get easier hang in there!

My youngest 2 are 17 months apart. Eldest of the two was a dream, youngest a nightmare. She was clingy from the moment she was born, had to be attached to me all the time, screamed constantly if not. Breastfed but never settled, had reflux, never slept, only napped if held.
My DH worked long hours, no family help. I was sleep deprived and massively depressed. I had massive guilt over lack of quality time with other children.

My advice would be, take any help offered. Don't stress over meals or housework, do what you need to do to cope. A slow cooker helped me with meals as I could chuck everything in in the morning when I was less frazzled and didn't have to worry about cooking at night. If possible spread your eldests nursery hours over a couple of mornings/afternoons rather than one long day. Try and see other adults for company, you'll feel better for it.

I won't lie, my youngest is just starting school, and it's only just really started to feel I'm getting my life back on track and feeling more normal. But she does have additional needs and still doesn't sleep. It's been a long few pre school years, but it does get better and you're not alone.

Got two with 18 month difference and severe pnd with 2nd. It does get easier, you'll soon be weaning and baby led weaning is amazing to give you some time where hopefully the baby will be quiet! Just hang on in there, you're only 5 months in. I felt such a shit parent when I had to put peppa on all day so I could feed my youngest. It doesn't last forever.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies! I feel slightly more positive just talking it through to be honest. My house is on a huge hill with steps or a massively steep slope to the main road and park so that also works against me!

We normally go to the park once, a music class once and to grandparents once. But then the rest of the day my toddler is just bouncing off the walls. And I feel like I'm really tied to thinking 'oh I can't leave now because this one will nap/feed/need changing' etc and then I just feel trapped by it all.

I feel for you. Mine have an 18month gap and I spent the first 6 months wailing "what have I done!".
It does get better, much better in fact, as soon as your youngest starts interacting with the toddler it will get easier all round.
I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but just reassurance that it's not forever!

Oh op you arent a failure. This was me and my son. Nobody understood how high needs he was. People gave me useless advice like give him a few toys to play with, he just wasnt that type of child. He was walking at 10 months and just was insanely active!!

Eventually at 16months we put him into nursery 5 days a week for 5 hours a day. Life changed. He needed that outlet and stimulation.

Please speak to you family if you need the help. Dont think you are a failure.

I had two with slight bigger gap. I gave up bfing (or trying to bf about 2 weeks or so in due to mastitis, poor latch, constant expressing). It was totally unsustainable with my very demanding toddler. I was reluctant to leave him to it in front of the telly which would have needed to AVE been for hours. It was the best decision all round for everyone. I still get guilt and people suggesting unless you bfeed you don't care about your children but reality is you need to take everything into consideration. That includes your other child and your mental health. It's hard having 2 so close but am hoping the benefits are still to come.

It does get better! I’ve got 17 months between my two & my youngest spent her early days screaming or breastfeeding! I learned to feed her in the sling pretty quickly & she basically spent her first year in the sling doing just that! I don’t drive but when we went in the car I had to sit in the back & feed her (we did a few 250 mile journeys...). She wouldn’t let anyone hold her except for me (she’s just scream!).

Honestly, feeding her in the sling was the only thing that got us through it I think. I did manage a few groups so my eldest could see other people & get out. We live a mile away from the town where all the groups were so I got plenty of exercise.

I feel for you, I really do. I spent a long time just crying & feeling like I’d messed up DD1’s life.

DD2 is a very cool 6 1/2 year old now though

I know this sounds ridiculous but I just feel like my older daughter has been "harmed" because she's spent so many months inside or just watching TV. I think this is my biggest concern. My mum will phone and ask what I've done that day and I feel so shit saying nothing for the third day in a row. I even try to put like an hour of nursery rhyme/learning type videos on YouTube every day and in the hope that she will learn something and make me feel better..!

Turn the tv off? I think I used to have it on for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening (5ish). If you can, just walk around the block for 20 mins or so every day, kick the leaves, count the cars, splash in puddles, anything.
I used to walk to Asda ever single afternoon, perhaps just buy one thing that I'd run out of, just to get out the house. Baby was ok as she was in the buggy and toddler was ok as he got to run about in Asda...

Aah it's so hard isn't it? My 3rd was a bloody nightmare! If she had been my 1st I wouldn't have had any more children! She screamed all day and night, wanted bf constantly but then puked it up everywhere, screamed in the car, the pram, the sling, my arms 😩 it was fucking awful!

Take each little improvement as a huge step in the right direction. Weaning was the first bit, once she could go a bit of finger food in highchair it gives you 15 mins with toddler. Then when she could sit up and play she would be happy for short bursts. Even more so when she could crawl and then walk. It does get easier.

If bottle feeding will give you even just a bit of a break, do it. Do whatever you need to do. I seriously considered cutting back to basics on the shopping and paying for a childminder 1 or even half a day. Luckily DD really turned a corner before I totally lost my mind (maybe at 8 months for me)

Not going to sugar coat it. It's damn hard, been there myself. Expect it to take months more, not weeks.

It started getting SIGNIFICANTLY better when youngest was 3. Not saying this to scare you, but to be realistic with your expectations. It's not that life was always terrible in that time, it was just hard work for me.

It does pass, it just takes more time than you might expect.

Do whatever you need to do in the meantime. I cried many tears and beat myself up that it wasn't all calm and lovely and breezy. You're doing a great job, I'm sure.

I see mums with two little ones and I feel a bit panicky remembering it all

Mine are 16 months apart and the first ... year at least (probably longer, it’s just that things look better in hindsight) was AWFUL. Hellish. I would text their dad begging him to come home. As soon as the youngest could walk and play life changed completely and they have been the two easiest children (were both horrific babies) I could ask for and basically just look after themselves and each other. It’s just lovely the way they interact.

HANG ON IN THERE. If for the first year or so all you can manage is keeping them clean and fed ... you’re doing fab and they’ll be no worse off for it in the long run. Just wait for the fun bit :) xx

You need to do what you can to survive it. It if makes you feel any better, I have a six year age gap between my two and the summer after the baby was born my eldest watched a LOT of tv. I felt really guilty at the time but a year has passed and we’ve had an amazing summer holidays doing alsorts of fun stuff outside. He still loves the tv though!

I guess my point is that this is temporary. As the baby gets older it gets easier and you can do much more. You’re oldest will be fine I promise.

My favourite part was the constant ‘you’ve got your hands full’ on the odd day we did go out ... like I hadn’t already heard it 200 times 🙄

I’m very pro bf. I’m also mix feeding my second because my first was like the baby you describe.

It’s been a revelation. I wish I’d done it with my first.

Two under two is bloody hard work. Give yourself a break - take all the help your family can give without feeling any guilt. It really is just survival for the first year or so. Your older one will change s lot over the next year and be able to self entertain and do little ‘helping’ things.
if everyone is alive, fed, and fairly clean, you’re doing ok. It’ll get better - this bit is literally survival. A bit of telly won’t harm an otherwise loved kid.

Have you contacted Home Start? They support young families and will send an adult to be with you usually once a week to give you some company and a break.

Mantra: Everyone fed, no one dead.

@Makon - my heart went out to you when I read this. mines a teen now but I still shudder when I think about her as baby. Worst experience of my life!! I went from a confident outgoing person with a high powered job who had never failed, to what I considered the worst useless pathetic parent that ever lived. She ate then vomited then ate then vomited 24/7. She didn't sleep, she screamed the second she was put down, she screamed as soon as she weed or pooped to have her nappy changed she even screamed when she had the slightest mark on her baby grow (what the heck!). I couldn't even go to the loo without either taking her with me or listen to her scream. I stopped breast feeding and things got a lot better almost straight away. It allowed me to be a good mum rather than a crying frazzled useless wreck. She also was sick a lot less and could eat more so she slept more.

I am shuddering just thinking about it again. That's why she's an only child....

Only words of wisdom are reach out to everyone for help, stopping breastfeeding doesn't make you a bad mum and accept you can only do so much.

Good luck - it will get better. DDs probably my best friend now.

Ah, just wanted to say I'm sure it will pass, and to say (like all the other posters) that you really really don't sound like a shit mum!! I read the thread because I'm about a month away from having 2 under 2 and am terrified...DD was just as you describe your second - I couldn't put her down ANYWHERE until she was 8 months old - she hated the pram, hated the car, hated being put on a mat/in a bouncer. She liked the sling...and liked cluster feeding. I'm praying the new babe is more chilled out, but to be honest, I'm preparing for a tricky ride again. My only words of (vague) wisdom are... it will pass. My DD is a DELIGHT now!