Feeling pushed out by clique-y NCT group :(

[notpartoftheclique]

I was so excited to join NCT when I was pregnant because I had some girlfriends who have made life long friends with their NCT group and many have said it had been a lifeline for some one to have a coffee and chat with on the tough days with our babies.

That's not been my experience and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and what should I do now...

I had naively thought we would go through our pregnancies and the early years of having our children together as a group, I.e. someone puts on the group Whatsapp group "anyone up for soft play today?" or "should we all go out for lunch on X date?" But 4 girls out of our group of 8 have become very close and clique-y. They've obviously messaged each other away from the Whatsapp group (which is fine!) and maybe I don't know how modern friendships are formed because I hadn't really made an attempt to message anyone outside the main Whatsapp group to see anyone 1:1 because I assumed we'd do things all together.

But what makes me feel really shitty is these girls will all meet up for fitness class or soft play, or even a night out without the babies and then post it in the main Whatsapp group saying things like "had so much fun at yoga, you guys should try it out" or "espresso martinis were fun last night!". I would have loved to go to yoga or have martinis... thanks for the invite

I've made an effort on my part too, having hosted a few afternoon teas and lunches at my house but I always invite the whole group. DH and I are quite social and we always believe 'the more he merrier' and we hate people feeling left out.

Our babies are coming up to 1yr now and I feel like there's no hope in getting these girls to start including everyone in their activities. Their group is too tight now and because the group is fractured, my hopes of going through the years with our PFBs are dead and that makes me sad.

Don't know what I'm looking for from this post, maybe anyone with shared experience?

Anyone who leaves people out is just a little bit of a nob in my opinion. What about the others in your group? Can you proactively put in something fun with them?

Sounds horribly normal. My lot were a bit more subtle about it but similar pairing off.

Is there anyone is particular you got on well with? Go ahead and see if you can develop a weekly baby hang out with them?

Also spread your net wider. Chat to mums at the library, playgroups, soft play, swimming, nursery pick up etc. Just chat to as many as possible and see what happens.

Nct isn't the be all and end all. There are years worth of meeting mums and kids through your DC activities. Don't let a couple of dickheads put you off. You deserve quality mum mates

Honestly, just now out of the group and make some real friends. What are you getting out of this? For every NCT group who really bond there’s probably 3 who limp along and 1 that never got off the ground in the first place. You’re just a bunch of people who had a baby at the same time. Believe me, you’ll spend the next ten years hanging around places with people with whom you have nothing in common except a child of the same age. It’s not that exciting. Try to meet some actual friends - if you’re quite social you’ll have no problem.

Bow out, not now out.

Unless there’s a great reason for the 4 splitting off (geographical, or knew each other already?) then they’re being arseholes posting their nights out on the WhatsApp group. Leave and block!
My NCT group didn’t gel either, I was disappointed and stressed until I realised I just didn’t like most of them!
How about the other 3?

I was going to suggest calling these “women” out on their behaviour in the group chat but honestly why do you want to be friends with these awful people? It’s fine getting on with people more than others but the shady comments in the group chat are pathetic.
Can you set up a group chat with the others and arrange something? As PP said expand your social circle with baby classes etc

It’s unfortunately the case that some people do seem to bond more quickly in these ‘enforced’ groups. However the way they are dealing with it is ridiculously tactless and ‘mean girls’. Don’t waste any more time on them. Go out and socialise at groups, and cultivate new friends. Some of my best friends I made at playgroup over five years ago. NCT is a false promise for a lot of people if all the threads on it are anything to go by!

I went to an NCT group, but only met up with them once after the birth. I'm sure they are happy with their lives but I found them boring and cliquey.

This won't be a popular opinion I'm afraid but people are perfectly entitled to have only a few friends if that's who they get on best with. The NCT group may be the source of where everyone met but that doesn't mean that everyone from the group should always do things with absolutely everybody else. I have friends I met in a place I worked a few years ago, we all stay in touch but sometimes I just meet one or two of them. I think it's ridiculous to peg them as horrible but honestly if it's causing you this much stress just forget them and mute the group!

And yes to NCT groups being a false promise - they're great in the early days when you can meet up and wallow in your collective exhaustion and talk about weaning and teething as much as you want without boring people, but beyond that you're just a bunch of women who happened to have babies at the same time and sometimes that's all you'll have in common.

Yep. Only had 5 in our not group. 2 quickly dropped 3 of us because we didn't wear designer or have a white audi. Still see 1 fairly regularly but never really hang out except for playdates.

Thanks everyone. Maybe I should just give up on the collective group idea. The other 3 ladies are all lovely and I do meet up with them but not in a group setting.

I've met other mums through various baby classes so I don't feel lonely, I had just really liked the idea of having a lovely big NCT group who still all meet up with their children 10 years down the line.

The other 3 ladies are all lovely and I do meet up with them but not in a group setting.

Start a Whatsapp wth these three and just forget about the others.

Yes, I had a similar nct experience - I didn’t gel with them and a couple of them didn’t like me. At the time, very hurtful. Looking back - that’s life. Thank goodness I didn’t use social media then, it was just the traditional cold shoulder which was bad enough. Some parents get very strategic about who they make friends with so their children can mix with their desired social type, unfortunately.

They sounds like dicks; posting on the main WhatsApp so the ones not invited know they’re not invited.
Stick to the grownup ones...

Mine was like this, it started a few going to the same baby class then they acquired a few other mums from there and suddenly the rest of us were left out of most things. Then I went back to work early and didn’t really see them again. My advice is don’t worry, I’m nearly done my 2nd mat leave and have had the best time ever hanging out solo. No pressure to do anything but enjoy my baby. Wish I’d done it this way first time round.

Same happened to me. They were bitches from the beginning living of their husbands money and judged me from the day I said I was going back to work. One day they all just one by one left the WhatsApp group. I found it odd but then saw three of them at a cafe, safe to say I didn’t smile back.
Some do make great friends but there just normal people and there’s a lot of assholes in the world.
But I agree with what others have said, a lot of mum friends are boring - focus on normal friends instead.

I didn't do NCT and in the early days with a newborn I massively regretted it and thought it was a huge mistake (and possibly obsessed over it a little).

As a result, when I met other mums I would always pay attention to what they said about their NCT group and I would agree with the PP upthread who said that for every group that gels really well, it seemed to me there were another 3-4 who weren't all that close. I think it's natural.

I found the early days of motherhood very strange - you meet so many people and yet it can be really lonely. I think it just takes time to find those people you genuinely click with and have more in common with than just having had a baby at the same time.

Oh I forgot to tell you the kicker..

One of the clique is moving out of our area and her clique friend suggested we all chip in and get her a going away present and demanded £10 each from all of us. I haven't seen this woman for over 6 months! Don't really want to hand over money for a gift but I feel compelled.

I completely understand the poster who said adults are free to hang out with who they want to if they gel well but I hadn't even been given the opportunity to by these women. If we didn't get along, fine, but they made their minds up very quickly it was just going to be the 4 of them.

Am definitely over invested and thinking about it too much but I haven't encountered this kind of behaviour since school over 15 years ago!

My group were like this. A couple had a falling out early on and the group divided. We just never really gelled well together as a whole group. I felt sad because some of my friends meet weekly with their group, have gone on holiday together and their children are good friends. My son is now 2 and me and another mum from the group have been trying to organise a meet up for Christmas. Most already have given excuses for being too busy so I think it's the end of our group.

Don’t give the £10! You are in no way compelled. In fact it’s a good opportunity to say that you hadn’t seen them for a while as they arrange things separately (so they can arrange the gift separately too).

I think it's quite unusual to still be friends with your entire nct group ten years down the line, you're not all going to click with eachother, but it's great if you get a couple of really good friends out of it especially if the kids like eachother too! I found the same as you in that some of us were inviting the whole group and others were doing their own thing, once it became pretty obvious the rest of us just arranged meet ups without them. It was a bit of a geographical thing but mostly changed when some of the group returned to work.

I do think posting about the separate meet ups on the group WhatsApp is shitty though, why would someone do that other than to gloat? I would stop using the group chat and just message the mums you are friends with separately.

Eurgh if that’s what they are like you are better off out of it. It’s my bug bear exclusion, even more so when it’s then bragged about, it’s such repulsive behaviour.

Someone once described NCT to me as an expensive way to make friends with people who you wouldn’t normally want to know. That put me off so I didn’t ever join NCT classes.

Expect the same at the school gates too.

Sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you should just focus on the relationships which are working for you.
But for me it has been a good experience being part of NCT. Our babies are nearly 1 and we still meet regularly and are planning a joint birthday party.

We always invite everyone to things even if we can't all make it and some members are busier now they are back at work. I think our group has benefited from involving the dads too, they have their own whats app group and have had a couple of nights out together and some of them are able come out when we meet up.
I am not sure that we will all be best friends for ever, as we do have different interests etc and may drift apart but it has been great having the extra support for this year.