Feeling pushed out by clique-y NCT group :(

[notpartoftheclique]

I was so excited to join NCT when I was pregnant because I had some girlfriends who have made life long friends with their NCT group and many have said it had been a lifeline for some one to have a coffee and chat with on the tough days with our babies.

That's not been my experience and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and what should I do now...

I had naively thought we would go through our pregnancies and the early years of having our children together as a group, I.e. someone puts on the group Whatsapp group "anyone up for soft play today?" or "should we all go out for lunch on X date?" But 4 girls out of our group of 8 have become very close and clique-y. They've obviously messaged each other away from the Whatsapp group (which is fine!) and maybe I don't know how modern friendships are formed because I hadn't really made an attempt to message anyone outside the main Whatsapp group to see anyone 1:1 because I assumed we'd do things all together.

But what makes me feel really shitty is these girls will all meet up for fitness class or soft play, or even a night out without the babies and then post it in the main Whatsapp group saying things like "had so much fun at yoga, you guys should try it out" or "espresso martinis were fun last night!". I would have loved to go to yoga or have martinis... thanks for the invite

I've made an effort on my part too, having hosted a few afternoon teas and lunches at my house but I always invite the whole group. DH and I are quite social and we always believe 'the more he merrier' and we hate people feeling left out.

Our babies are coming up to 1yr now and I feel like there's no hope in getting these girls to start including everyone in their activities. Their group is too tight now and because the group is fractured, my hopes of going through the years with our PFBs are dead and that makes me sad.

Don't know what I'm looking for from this post, maybe anyone with shared experience?

You will find your people - it took me a while and feeling like I wasn't really part of the cool gang locally but actually realised they aren't so great.

OP - I think some people find it easier to make close friends in a smaller group. I find 8-10 people at once a bit overwhelming, especially when you put babies into the mix.
After the initial few months, I found it easier to meet on a 1-2-1 or 2-2-1 basis and I'm still really good friends with 2 of the women I did my original NCT with 12 years ago. (actually 4 of us, 2 have now moved overseas).

Why don't you message the other 3 and ask them to lunch or something?

I had just really liked the idea of having a lovely big NCT group who still all meet up with their children 10 years down the line.

I think this is the exception. Ours lasted as a big group for about two years, but even before that there was a very clear 4, 2, 2 split of women that clicked. We are all loosely in touch but there won’t be any big decade anniversary reunion.

Make the most of the three you like, they may be there ten years later and beyond when the cliquey foursome are a distant memory.

But yes, this kind of thing IS disproportionately upsetting when you think that kind of group behaviour was left at school!

This has happened to me too, four members of our NCT group went out for baby free lunch and cocktails and I only found out when pictures were posted in Facebook. I was surprised how upset I was, it really does feel like being back at school. Posting photos on the WhatsApp seems worse though.
I think NCT groups can drift apart when the babies are older. My baby is one now and it is harder to meet up with the mums and children in a large group now anyway. Can’t go to costa anymore! Also I have an older DD in school and quite often they arrange meet ups starting near pick up time as they work half days.

OP I could have written your post. Pretty much exactly the same thing happened to me. I joined my NCT group two years ago as I was new to the area and pregnant. In the first year there were various meet ups, five of us all went to some baby classes together and it was all very friendly (all except two people who never got involved from the start). This year however, three of them have been arranging weekly catch ups and not inviting me and the other girl. It’s been shit enough as I have been home alone with PND and really needed the adult time/friendship, but they plaster stuff all over social media which makes me feel even more crappy. The worst bit is, I have made SUCH an effort with them (inviting them to birthdays, christening etc) and have just been excluded unless they need someone to make up numbers.

As a previous poster commented, I hate people feeling left out and have always made sure that everyone felt included. All of this just makes me feel like I’m 13 years old again and being laughed at by the school mean girls!

OP - please don’t hand over the £10 as they are being pretty cheeky. Easier said than done, I know x

Please don’t give them £10, they’ve acted like dickheads bragging on the group and really aren’t your friends. Go to groups, invite people for coffee after... most people are friendly. I get it, I can also think of nothing better than a big gathering of friends.

“Sorry, I won’t be joining in for Sue’s gift” is about as gracious as you need to be.

I didn't do NCT but I did do antenatal classes. Out of about ten couples, I never saw five again.

The rest of us joined a WhatsApp group and met up maybe once or twice a month. Someone abruptly left the group with no explanation about four months in.

We are now about 18 months down the line, we still meet up but it's not that frequent - occasionally once a month but we can go months without seeing each other. WhatsApp is still going but again, we can go long periods of time without talking.

One of the group has been very quiet lately and I don't think she is that bothered about staying in touch so won't surprise me if we lose touch.

The other two I get on quite well with so I would hope we stay in touch but realistically, aside from having babies at the same time, we don't have much in common!

I agree with those who've said that the number of groups who ALL stay close friends together is very small, compared with those who get along together for a while then drift apart as people go back to work/meet other "mum friends."

The girls have been shitty posting in your group about nights out they didn't invite you to, but it is only natural that some will get on better than others and not everyone will get to go to every meet up as time goes on. Enjoy the friends you HAVE made and let the others go, rather than clinging on to the ideal you had inside your head of how it would be.

FWIW my parents still see friends they made through NCT when they had me and I'm 34 - but a)they all lived in the same small area of the same small town, b)were kept in contact by most of the kids going to the same primary school and c)it's not the whole original group, there have been incomers and leavers over the years. But I haven't seen any of my NCT class since before our babies turned 1 and DS is going to be 2 this weekend.

I hope it will reassure you op that the same thing happened to me and it was damaging my self esteem. I felt a lot better when I came out of the whatsapp group and concentrated on meeting other mums at groups etc. I don't think I really had a lot in common with them anyway, except we all had sex at around the same time nine months previously!!! They were very bitchy. You will meet other mums especially when your child stats school so take the pressure off yourself and just enjoy being a mum. You sound like a nice person who will do well without them!

Why don't you say "oh I would've loved to have joined you!" about them meeting up and see what they say

Been there and done this....I left the group and blocked them all on Facebook. It kicked up a shitstorm at the time but I felt so much better for it.

Aww op that's sounds shit for you. I'd ease of the ready made friendship idea and work on the friends you have for more tangible reasons. Ive always thought it a bit odd that we're expected to be friends with other women because they had a baby around the same time. I can't imagine men being made to feel their friends should be chosen on the same basis.

I don’t think I will ever understand NCT groups. Do people really expect to make multiple lifelong friends just because they happened to give birth in the same month?

'I don’t think I will ever understand NCT groups. Do people really expect to make multiple lifelong friends just because they happened to give birth in the same month?'

Couldn't agree more

Tbh it sounds like you got a bit over-invested in the idea that you would all be great friends.

Yes it’s lovely when NCT groups gel and stay friends, but most of them don’t.

Most groups limp along for 6 months to a year then fade to nothing.

Our group never met up after the births!

You’ll make lots of other friends along the way, don’t worry so much about this particular group.

Ah it's so hard, I totally get it. A couple of my 'mum' friends who I knew through NCT did a bit of meeting up without me and it does really hurt.

But actually it was more to do with either their husbands getting on better with each other and also the children getting on well. I had a boy and they both had girls. This doesn't matter when the babies are small, but when they turn 4/5 the girls just didn't really want to play with my son anymore. I did feel sad about it but I've moved on.

I'm now making friendships with other parents at the school gates and also from nursery, those are the people who I see much more!

Mine are going to classes 4/5 times a week together and I am wandering round town and going to free events with my baby. I couldn't afford the classes and it can be lonley but I am sure I'll remember our alone time more fondly than they will remember each other (when I'm there it is just talking about other people while we try to keep the babies silent)! Don't worry if you don't have baby friends and enjoy your time with your little one, try not to take it to heart either, am sure you are lovely!

Ultimately op you can’t change other people’s behaviours, you can only change the way you react to them.

If the “friendship” is making you unhappy or uncomfortable then it’s run it’s course.

Say you have already bought a present for friend who is moving.

Why not get a group chat doing with the three nice ones and say 'do you three fancy trying the yoga/bar/restaurant they were recommending'?

Do not hand over any money! I’d just mute the WhatsApp group, block on Facebook and get on with your life.

That does sound crap of them, especially putting details up on the WhatsApp group, but I agree with the pps who say you sound a little overinvested in having a lifelong group of friends from NCT.

I think most NCT groups start to fragment into at some point anyway - people move away, people want to do different activities, some people's kids get on better with others as they get older and it becomes increasingly hard to all meet up when people start having second/ third children. Plus the fact that some people do get on better with others.

I get quite torn by this, I'm part of a group of friends I've met through having children, and I have been really upset and hurt in the past seeing some of them meeting up separately on social media. But then, I also understand that it can be a bloody nightmare trying to get a date together that everyone can do and sometimes you just can't all do everything together all the time.

I don’t think I will ever understand NCT groups. Do people really expect to make multiple lifelong friends just because they happened to give birth in the same month?

I didn't expect to make friends for life, but I hoped to make a few friends who'd be on maternity leave at the same time as me so I'd have someone to hang out with/go for coffee with. Making friends is hard and NCT sells itself as a way to meet new people.

Out of the 8 of us, 2 moved away shortly after their babies were born, 2 went back to work very quickly, and the other 3 formed their own little group. It was a shame, but I got stuck into free playgroups at the library and children's centres instead. Our group fizzled out within a year, and I kind of wish I'd saved my money.