Feeling pushed out by clique-y NCT group :(

[notpartoftheclique]

I was so excited to join NCT when I was pregnant because I had some girlfriends who have made life long friends with their NCT group and many have said it had been a lifeline for some one to have a coffee and chat with on the tough days with our babies.

That's not been my experience and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and what should I do now...

I had naively thought we would go through our pregnancies and the early years of having our children together as a group, I.e. someone puts on the group Whatsapp group "anyone up for soft play today?" or "should we all go out for lunch on X date?" But 4 girls out of our group of 8 have become very close and clique-y. They've obviously messaged each other away from the Whatsapp group (which is fine!) and maybe I don't know how modern friendships are formed because I hadn't really made an attempt to message anyone outside the main Whatsapp group to see anyone 1:1 because I assumed we'd do things all together.

But what makes me feel really shitty is these girls will all meet up for fitness class or soft play, or even a night out without the babies and then post it in the main Whatsapp group saying things like "had so much fun at yoga, you guys should try it out" or "espresso martinis were fun last night!". I would have loved to go to yoga or have martinis... thanks for the invite

I've made an effort on my part too, having hosted a few afternoon teas and lunches at my house but I always invite the whole group. DH and I are quite social and we always believe 'the more he merrier' and we hate people feeling left out.

Our babies are coming up to 1yr now and I feel like there's no hope in getting these girls to start including everyone in their activities. Their group is too tight now and because the group is fractured, my hopes of going through the years with our PFBs are dead and that makes me sad.

Don't know what I'm looking for from this post, maybe anyone with shared experience?

My group were awful. Leave the WhatsApp group and don't look back.

I think NCT courses are a total waste of money and the friendship aspect is down to luck of who you join with

Trouble is that NCT kind of promises you lifelong friends. One of my friends made lifelong friends and they all hang out together 10 years later. I think this must be rare.

My group of 4 lasted 2 years. They were all really lovely but the only thing we had in common were our children. I went back to work so didn't see them as much. 2 got really close and started to exclude me and another. The other was snubbed by the 2 because her child was a terror and used to attack the other children. Then one day these 2 just stopped talking to me out of the blue. At the time I was really hurt as we'd all spent so much time together and had discussed the most intimate details of our lives.

A couple of years later I can now see it for what it was, a group of random people thrown together. You don't click with everyone but there is definitely an expectation that you will make these amazing friends and it can be quite upsetting when it doesn't work out, particularly as some may feel vulnerable/lacking confidence in the first year or so of motherhood.

The fact they message about it on the main group and recommend the activity suggests to me they're not intending to leave you out or be a clique.

Maybe they just arrange things ad hoc - and these things snowball, don't they? If they've all met up once, they make arrangements at that meet up for something else and so on.

Try sending a message in return saying martinis/yoga/whatever it was sounds great and you'd love to get involved and then suggest a date? If they all say no (every time) then I guess you've got your answer about whether they really do want to exclude you.

Also, you said in one of your follow up posts that some of the other members are lovely and you meet up with them separately..... so..... are you sure that you don't come across as cliquey or exclusive? Like, you host some events for everyone but you also arrange private things that the others aren't invited to?!! Could that seem to the others like you're not very interested in them? If so, that would just reinforce their decision that it's ok for them to meet up separately too.

My group are all lovely, but on the rare big group meet up the things some talk about between themselves sometimes makes it obvious they have socialised outside the group, hey ho. I did post in parenting a while back about not having cracked the polite chat barrier and made a proper mum friend, after a rather shit time when 2 mums were invited to hang out after an activity within earshot of me and I wasn't.

Same sort of thing happened the other day, group arranged a coffee meet up after a group and only me and 1 other mum weren't invited, but I was a lot less fussed. I have a few mums on facebook but still haven't got to outside group arrangement status. I'm back to work soon so I'm now less thinking 'I haven't made any good mummy friends, what's wrong' to 'ahh fuck it, there's nursery, school, years of all this bollocks to come who knows what could happen'

Dear OP this was my experience of my NCT group too.

You're better off finding time for a hobby and making friends that way. A hobby is a great leveller and it does not matter what background you're from if you all like the same thing eg if you all sing in a choir or run together.

Someone once described NCT to me as an expensive way to make friends with people who you wouldn’t normally want to know

Yes I can see this too, very well put.

This won't be a popular opinion I'm afraid but people are perfectly entitled to have only a few friends if that's who they get on best with. The NCT group may be the source of where everyone met but that doesn't mean that everyone from the group should always do things with absolutely everybody else.

I agree with this. Being in an NCT group is no more automatically 'binding' than any other way of encountering people just because you've paid a chunk of money to be connected with other people having babies around the same time -- and I do think, OP, in the nicest possible way, that you've absorbed a highly-idealised idea of the NCT group as eternal friends, and the children growing up friends.

These four women clearly got on better with one another and gelled but surely, OP, you can't have liked every single one of the other nine in the group equally well? There must have been a couple of others you got on better with than others yet because of your idealism about the mystic bond of the NCT, you chose not to pursue those individual or smaller-group friendships. That doesn't mean the other four are wrong to have done so. You're not in reception, and forced to have a whole-class party or nothing!

I don't mean that unpleasantly. My own experience of the NCT wasn't particularly positive -- my group simply didn't like one another very much, and drifted apart very quickly. I'm sorry now that I put so much pressure on myself to participate in their meetings, which I didn't enjoy, when I was recovering from a CS and had to use a supplemental nursing system as I had no milk supply. It would have been far better for my MH, looking back, if I'd stayed at home and rested, rather than trekking out with an infected scar and a whole load of plastic tubing.

I suppose all I'm saying is that NCT doesn't equal magic life-long friendships for most people, and that if you encounter a couple of people you genuinely like in your group, you should cultivate those relationships.

journalist

Out of 7 originally in my nct group, 5 of us are still going strong 10 years down the line (1 distanced herself almost immediately and 1 moved away)...... But the reason that we're going strong is because we all get along really well - the nct may have brought us together, but if you don't actually get on and have things in common other than babies, it's not going to last, it's like a blind date. Within our group there are stronger couple friendships, which is natural, but no-one leaves anyone out, that is really crappy.

£10 when you've not seen someone who lets face it was only a casual acquaintance - no way . I didn't bother with NCT just kept to my own friends some of whom had children albeit of different ages . Playgroups are probably a good idea . Went back to work when kids were young so had my old life back anyway but the nanny would take them to playgroups and churches often offer music things etc . Enjoy and avoid toxic people .

Ah no! I didn't do an nct group, but one at our doctors surgery. We did stay in touch and see each other socially. We were really welcoming of newcomers though and tried our best to integrate them into the group. This was before wattsapp though, but I can't see us have leaving anyone out.

Very much irritated by Bottles comment on page 1 about NCT members she didn’t like “living off their husbands’ money”. Surely it’s family money? Especially since they will be off work regardless with very young children.

They shouldn’t have been posting about yoga and martini nights out amongst their clique on the main chat group. That was deliberately done to make them feel better about themselves and for the non-clique to feel worse. Childish behaviour.

Whichever is asking you for £10 can GTF. Quick to include you where money is involved for a gift but not so quick for an invitation to a yoga class or night out that you would have welcomed. Fuck them. Please don’t give them a penny. Good riddance and you’ve still got the other non-cliquey fuckers to meet up with.

Whichever one of the group that should say.

I didn't do NCT as I pretty much see it as a way for middle-class mums to find middle-class friends without having to weed out unsuitable candidates.

However if I was doing it again (on a first baby) I would join, just for that support in the early days, before you are out meeting lots of other mums at groups etc. I wouldn't expect lifelong friends though, unless you are doing the private schools, lots of free time, non-or-PT working thing.

What is an nct group where did you find these people

I agree with PP - If they're posting pics of yoga and saying 'you should try it!' I'd take that as an invite and ask for details of when they're next going.

Alternatively, if there's four if you that get on, form a splinter group! Invite them for lunch, what's the worst that could happen?!

Im lucky that I'm still good friends with four of my eight NCT group, we meet separately and in a group. The other 4 women were lovely but either they weren't interested in meeting or circumstance made it hard to continue meeting up.