Do you think extroverts are seen as 'better' than introverts?

[BigSandyBalls2015]

I have twin DDs (late teens) who are very different. One is outgoing, loads of friends, always invited to parties, out every weekend, likes a few drinks, had a girly holiday in a lively part of Greece this year. The other is quieter, has a couple of good friends but they are all fairly quiet, prefer the cinema, meals out, that kind of thing to parties or clubbing. She doesn't like alcohol at all. She's at home a lot more than her sister. Also had a girly holiday, but camping in the UK. I'd say both girls are happy!

I'm increasingly aware that family (particularly MIL!), feel that my quiet twin is missing out and she 'should' be out partying, drinking and 'having fun' as she puts it. She doesn't accept my view that her 'fun' is different from her sister's and it's starting to grate.

I've also seen this attitude in other areas - at work for example, the extrovert outgoing people seem to get on further, the quieter ones get overlooked. As though you have to be seen as extrovert as that translates to 'confidence' which is bulllshit. If anything I'd say my quiet twin was the more confident of the two and more comfortable in her own skin!

It's just made me think about the whole thing in more detail than I ever have before.

Interested in MN views

I think some extroverts feel that introverts are inferior, because they feel the need to be life and soul, they find it hard to understand that others don't.

Introverts are generally understanding of the extrovert's need to extrovert themselves. While extroverts usually come across quite thoughtless

sadly, yes.

20+ years in the workplace and I feel it even more. I am having new grads etc saying that they feel the amount of extra social crap required of them in the workplace is just too much.

I was hoping it would scale back at some point, but it doesn't seem to be. Perhaps the only pro of all this hotdesking type shite is that management will be forced to change their approach.

I think there is a place for introverts - I've managed to find employers who are okay with me being unwilling to do the Xmas party for example - but I feel as if I've had to work harder to find that place, which is a shame.

I think you're definitely right OP, but I think it's particularly true in the world of work. I also think that most people don't understand that being an introvert doesn't mean that you aren't good with people - it just means that you when you need to "charge your batteries", you do that by being on your own.

Yes.

I was always told as a child to "go out and enjoy myself" or "you should be or playing with your friends"

Truth is whenever I went to the park with friends I just wanted to go home. I much preferred staying in and playing by myself.

I don't struggle socially whatsoever and have no problem making/keeping friends.

No. I'm only 58% extrovert (according to those tests, approximately) and I may have social needs but I identify with introverts too. I prefer small groups any way, so I don't think it's as clear cut as a lot of people think it is. I think a confident introvert is great company in a small group or one to one. I like to be included, rejection hurts, so often the extrovert gang ignore everybody who isn't cheerleading in front of them, so I do tend to just focus more on individual relationships. Not sure if that's what defines introvert though.

Yes I think a lot of senior managers identify with being extrovert.

I'm probably in the middle of continuum. I'm not shy but find extroverts draining and dull.

For anyone who is interested, this is quite a good video about the difference between extroverts and introverts, and misunderstandings around this.

As an introvert the world seems full of extroverts, it's very difficult!

As an introvert I need my own space and I find that I'm constantly having to justify that to work colleagues/acquaintances. I will socialise but not too often and I find that extroverts just don't understand how having a diary full of social activities is too full on for me.

I'm constantly trying not to offend people by turning down social activities. Weirdly I seem to make friends with people who are probably more on the extrovert spectrum. I don't have hardly any introvert friends at all.

Yes, definitely.

I'm an introvert and always get told I'm missing out if I don't want to go out drinking or clubbing.

It’s an extroverts world, sadly, though I do think there is more awareness of the strengths and needs of introversion now then in previous decades.
As a strong introvert, a “girly holiday in lovely part of Greece” makes me shudder!

gylly "I find that extroverts just don't understand how having a diary full of social activities is too full on for me"

yes, even with loved ones it's taken years for them to understand that I can't do things like an exhibition, then lunch, then a film, then a drink.

I can do one of those things. After that I have to recharge.

obviously at work there's sometimes back to back meetings, my mother's been in hospital a lot lately so lots of dashing about. but whenever I can take downtime, I do.

Interesting thread. My two boys are similar to your girls. One is far more content, doesn’t want to set the world on fire, knows what he likes. He’s very clever but isn’t very driven. Has a small group of close friends.
They like to hang out, don’t really drink.

The other is a bit of a fire cracker. Is out all the time, confident, charismatic, can talk to everyone and anyone and likes a party.
I’ve come to the conclusion very recently that I’m introverted. People comment that I’m an extrovert and that really surprises me. I think it’s because I can chat to anyone, but the reality is I was wishing I was at home.

I think that we all tend to value the qualities that we see in ourselves. So, as a generalisation, extroverts think that extroverts are 'better' and introverts think that introverts are 'better'. Hence, in places where extroverts are more likely to be found (certain kinds of jobs etc) an introvert may find themselves not highly valued. I assume your MIL is an extrovert?

@BigSandyBalls2015 - have you read the book 'Quiet' by Susan Cain? It is a really interesting read about the power of introverts and gives a fresh perspective on why being an introvert actually can be beneficial / positive.

Yes definitely.

In work it is a MASSIVE advantage as well.

I'm maybe somewhere in the middle.

I have a friend who is extroverted in the sense that she sort of NEEDS company - she used to go round and watch telly with a neighbour who didn't go out much and she didn't actually like rather than being on her own at home.

I couldn't really understand that - she is maybe quite extreme though.

I also find as an introvert that people are surprised when they discover that I'm quite ambitious career wise and can be a risk-taker.

Because I walk into a room and don't announce to the world that I'm there by being loud and I don't run around shouting "let's smash it guys" 😂. Does that mean that I'm rubbish at my job?

I think part of the problem is people confusing "extrovert" with "sociable" and "introvert" with "antisocial".

If you're antisocial and claim it's because you're an introvert it gives genuine introverts a bad press.

You can be an antisocial extrovert or a sociable introvert.

I'm an antisocial introvert, but at least I own it.

I think a lot of these value judgements are embedded

extrovert > introvert

related maybe

sporty > bookish

sure there are more

I think there is a certain mindset, particularly among the young, that if you're not fiendishly socially busy and all booked up, then you're somehow a bit of a loser. It lessens as people get older and are actually busy raising kids etc, as opposed to just having acres of leisure time to fill.

Agree that the internet is full of people extolling the virtues of introversion, but then it would be, wouldn't it? If you're on the internet you're not out socialising. It's a self selecting group.

Certainly on mumsnet I think the opposite. There are so many extrovert bashing threads on here.

Because I walk into a room and don't announce to the world that I'm there by being loud and I don't run around shouting "let's smash it guys" 😂. Does that mean that I'm rubbish at my job?

Most extroverts I know wouldn’t do this either. Only twats.

Harold, I agree with that.

At work when people discuss what they are going to do at the weekend and their weekend is packed full of activities and social gatherings.
I have friends and family and I could organise my weekend like that too but I wouldn't enjoy it. If I have a social event on Saturday then Sunday is kept free for chilling as I have to have down time and dh is the same. Also I really hate the whole going around the table "what are you doing at the weekend?" discussion anyway. If it comes up in conversation that's fine but this group bonding is not for me!

I also hate it when colleagues try and get me to do stuff at the weekend - just no! My sister has been at her workplace for 15 years and it's taken that long for them to understand that she will go to leaving dos/Christmas parties but doesn't want to go bowling after work or a summer BBQ at one of their houses. It is seen as negative to be an introvert in the workplace.

I think it's a bit of both

I'm very much an introvert but professionally I have had to work very hard to manage some behaviours so o can meet people half way.

Like anything you will have extremes...introverts who claim they are more intelligent and thoughtful than extroverts and extroverts that will claim they are better professionally and with people than introverts. To be honest neither is correct and ultimately I don't really believe that you can change this part of a person so there's nothing to be done really.

I hated my mother telling me I "needed" friends and to do more things. Actually I was fine , on the flipside I intensely dislike introverts who claim moral and intellectually superiority because it's rubbish.

Basically people will be who they are and each side may need to manage some behaviours to meet the real world on it's own terms. I have to accept that as much as I detest (and am stupendously bad at) small talk...it is a part of the workplace so to be successful I have to find my way to do it.

On the flip side I had an extremely extroverted staff member that as part of a mentoring process I needed to work with her about her behaviour. She struggled with the concept that being so loud and over the top affected how some people saw her . She was very good at her job but her behaviour around trying to force others into out of work meet ups had crossed from networking into being rude and dismissive when people said no.

She had tried to pull one of her staff on "not being part of the team " when I challenged this it came down to that person was simply quiet and needed her space over the lunch break.

My centre as fantastic and really took on board the changes and we discussed how I had had to compromise as an introvert at work and she got it from both sides

So you can manage your own behaviours to make life easier and accept there are both types of personality but you can't actually change the basis of how someone interacts with the world

So your mil needs to butt out