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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

63 replies

Mumthedogsbeensick · 13/09/2018 15:39

Posting for opinions and advice. DSD has recently got engaged and has decided that as there are several family members from both her and her fiancés side they don't want to invite, a destination wedding to Italy is the best way forward. Not sure why Italy as neither of them as ever been but that's their decision. It wouldn't be for couple of years.
The problem is my husband. He has never been abroad and has never wanted to. He doesn't like the heat and is a picky pain in the arse when it comes to food. I knew this when I married him and am more than happy to holiday in this country as have to be careful in the sun following cancer treatment and I also have Ménière's disease and am unsure if flying or sailing would bring on an attack of vertigo so it's never been an issue between us.
DSD obviously wants her dad to give her away but knows he won't go abroad. She hasn't actually spoken to him just called into my work place and asked me to see if I can change his mind. She also said that 'if he wasn't prepared to go abroad for his own selfish reasons then that would be it for her and him'.
DH is angry she hasn't asked him herself and upset that she has issued such a horrible ultimatum but is adamant he will not go abroad.
There are other members of DH family who she would want to attend ( his mum and his brother and sister and their spouses and children) who despite it being two years away simply will not be able to afford it.
Feeling a bit like piggy in the middle as they're both getting angry and upset with each other but directing it at me!

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 13/09/2018 15:46

My DHs parents don't fly. We live abroad and got married abroad. 24 years later everyone has gotten over it Wink

Harleypuppy · 13/09/2018 15:46

He's going to have to suck it up. Buy him a fan and have a room with air conditioning. Also he should take an antihistamine to prevent hives and also have bug spray. It's his dd's day,. He needs to remember he had the wedding he wanted and she is entitled to hers. He's being very selfish.

RandomMess · 13/09/2018 15:48

Her ultimatum is utterly awful and very childish of her!!!

Seems like it's all about the perfect wedding????

No idea how I would handle it tbh.

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Weddings
BusterTheBulldog · 13/09/2018 15:50

What time of year and where in Italy? Italy can be cooler than other places, especially if by the lakes.

IHeartKingThistle · 13/09/2018 15:52

This sort of thing baffles me but for me the whole point of the wedding was to have everyone I loved there. Planning a wedding that actively excludes several loved family members makes no sense - it's not just about your DH travelling if loads of other relatives can't afford to go either.

It is her wedding though and it doesn't sound like she's going to change her mind. Would they do a party or second ceremony here so that everyone can go?

zucchinicourgette · 13/09/2018 15:54

I think both your DH and DSD are being stubborn and inflexible. Yes it’s hard to understand why your DH can’t manage a short trip to Europe - it could be for one night even if he doesn’t want to stay longer, and Italian food is incredibly mainstream. On the other hand threatening to cut contact over him attending is horrible if your DSD unless there’s a massive backstory.

I really sympathize with your situation and the only thing I can suggest is to stay out of it and tell them they need to discuss it directly with each other.

keyboardkate · 13/09/2018 16:04

Why the drama? Are the couple afraid some mad relatives will turn up uninvited, well that could happen in Italy aswell if they are as bad as it seems!

Why not have the wedding somewhere in the UK far away from where they live now?

From a personal point of view destination weddings abroad should only be for the couple and the witnesses. Too much bloody hassle and expense for guests if you ask me!

On the subject of your OP, I would step away and leave them to discuss between daughter and Dad. You will never win this one!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 13/09/2018 16:04

I think your dh is being very unreasonable. He can't refuse to go to his dd's wedding (or expect her to change her whole wedding) just because he doesn't like heat and is picky about food. I mean, he can, but it makes a very clear statement about his priorities.
Your dsd would be unreasonable if she got arsey with extended family if they couldn't afford to travel abroad though.
I feel sorry for you because you are stuck in the middle of a situation that is none of your making - I'd tell them to talk to each other and leave me out of it. But privately, I'd tell my husband to stop acting like a petulant child - it's Italy, ffs. Hardly a struggle to go there!

Original poster
Mumthedogsbeensick · 13/09/2018 16:08

No back story at all that's why the ultimatum is such a shock.
She hasn't thought of a location in Italy or a time of year so it's all still up in the air.
It's definitely her day and her choice and I completely understand that. I just can't seem to make either of them see sense and bloody talk to each other about it.
DSD mum has never been abroad and would struggle to be able to afford to go but is trying her best to save up. According to DSD she thinks DH is being unreasonable as well. (They had DSD when DH was 17 and her mum was 15 and had married and divorced by the time DH was 23) DSD is now 27.

OP posts:
AspieHere · 13/09/2018 16:10

She picks a destination wedding, she has to accept the fact that family may not be there. Spoilt little madam.

Original poster
Mumthedogsbeensick · 13/09/2018 16:11

Believe me I have told him to just suck it up and go. I think I need to put them in a room together and clear off somewhere nice for a couple of hours!

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 16:15

She sounds like an utter brat. I wouldn't bother telling him to suck it up. He's an adult. It's his decision if he goes.

AuntieStella · 13/09/2018 16:15

He's probably one of the relations they don't want there. But because excluding a parent is pretty nasty, she's making it his fault and a cause to go NC indefinitely.

Support your DH.

And refuse to be piggy in the middle. This is not your problem to solve.

AuntieStella · 13/09/2018 16:18

Sorry, slow typing meant I hadn't seen your updates about no known previous. But yes,stick them in a room together.

She is being VU, btw, in expecting someone who doesn't go abroad to go abroad, whatever the occasion.

rosablue · 13/09/2018 18:29

I'm a non-flyer - but I love travelling by train and have managed to see lots of Europe and plenty of other places.

Check out the Seat61.com website - loads of info about travelling by train to Europe (and beyond!) - www.seat61.com/Italy.htm will give you everything you need to know about getting to Italy by train.

We used railbookers.com to book the international rail travel for our honeymoon and they were fab - definitely recommend talking to them - both for expertise and good prices.

Original poster
Mumthedogsbeensick · 13/09/2018 19:30

@rosablue I will take a look! Never even considered going by train. Thank you.

OP posts:
reddressblueshoes · 13/09/2018 19:36

He is being ridiculous. He needs to get over himself and go. The idea of refusing to ever leave the country is insane to me, but the idea of not bending for his daughter's wedding is even more so.

ajandjjmum · 13/09/2018 19:51

What about driving there - could be part of a lovely holiday?

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 13/09/2018 20:03

So your husband is only 44? He sounds 94, the grumpy git.

Kewqueue · 13/09/2018 20:09

Why not drive? We drive from Italy to the UK and back again every summer.

Original poster
Mumthedogsbeensick · 13/09/2018 20:12

Just had a text from DSS he has said he will also disown his dad if he doesn't go. I'm going to have to arrange for everyone to meet up and discuss this. I think face to face is the only way this will get resolved.

OP posts:
AspieHere · 13/09/2018 20:20

His children are brats. I wouldn't pander to this at all. Of course he doesn't have to suck it up. MN are always saying how no one should be obliged to go to a destination wedding and they are inheritantly selfish, unless no one actually expects anyone to attend, but the double standards on this thread is shocking.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/09/2018 20:21

Theres a lot of disowning going on all of a sudden.

There were people we didn't want to invite to our wedding. So we didn't invite them. No fuss, no drama.

NonaGrey · 13/09/2018 20:28

Well both kids are having tantrums which is fairly unpleasant at their age.

Nevertheless I think he is going to have to steel himself to go.

I do think he’ll need to make clear to her that she can’t expect other members of the family to go into debt for her wedding.

She can stamp her feet about her Dad but her Grandmother, her Aunts and Uncles are not to be harassed.

As an aside, she hasn’t booked a time or a place so this destination wedding may not happen anyway.

Weddings in Italy can be very expensive and complicated to organise. She really doesn’t sound the type.

MortyVicar · 13/09/2018 20:30

What's been DSD's relationship with her dad before this? Has there always been tension between them (and/or between DSS and his dad)?

In this case context is everything. As you can see from the responses so far, opinion is pretty split as to who's BU.

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