Wedding dilemma

[Mumthedogsbeensick]

Posting for opinions and advice. DSD has recently got engaged and has decided that as there are several family members from both her and her fiancés side they don't want to invite, a destination wedding to Italy is the best way forward. Not sure why Italy as neither of them as ever been but that's their decision. It wouldn't be for couple of years.
The problem is my husband. He has never been abroad and has never wanted to. He doesn't like the heat and is a picky pain in the arse when it comes to food. I knew this when I married him and am more than happy to holiday in this country as have to be careful in the sun following cancer treatment and I also have Ménière's disease and am unsure if flying or sailing would bring on an attack of vertigo so it's never been an issue between us.
DSD obviously wants her dad to give her away but knows he won't go abroad. She hasn't actually spoken to him just called into my work place and asked me to see if I can change his mind. She also said that 'if he wasn't prepared to go abroad for his own selfish reasons then that would be it for her and him'.
DH is angry she hasn't asked him herself and upset that she has issued such a horrible ultimatum but is adamant he will not go abroad.
There are other members of DH family who she would want to attend ( his mum and his brother and sister and their spouses and children) who despite it being two years away simply will not be able to afford it.
Feeling a bit like piggy in the middle as they're both getting angry and upset with each other but directing it at me!

I dislike weddings, but Diva weddings full of drama leave me cold.

What exactly is their problem with having a wedding in the UK or even Ireland if DH can gird his loins and go on the ferry?

Much ado about nothing. I actually feel they are a bit immature. But as I said, I dislike weddings full stop and avoid where I can!

No one misses me and that suits me just fine too ha ha.

She knows she's being unreasonable to her dad, or else she wouldn't be involving you in this, she'd be speaking to him directly.

That depends on their relationship. She may feel like the OP has a better chance of being heard...

She may feel like her talking to her father would only cause additional hurt and emotional damage.

Or she is actually being unreasonable. Or (imo quite likely...) it's somewhere in between.

sounds like he has bred two nasty brats, are they usually this horrible?

madam needs to learn that her frilly frock day is not that important. disown, indeed - what a spoilt bitch.

aha, an update . tell her to elope, easy.

although she doesnt sound mature enough for marriage.

Agree with the poster suggesting to ignore it and tell DSD to let you know the date and destination when it's booked. I'd definitely suggest train or drive and stay self catering if food is an issue. The pair of you would be able to make the usual foods you'd have at home then.

I think it's a bit mean of her dad to be a blanket no and admittedly she's displaying a childish response to it, but I imagine it's annoying to have a parent who won't go anywhere outside their comfort zone though.

Talk to her.

Point out that she has known for years/decades that her DDad does not go abroad, and she must therefore have known that she was agreeing to a wedding which he will not attend. But if that is the price of her DFiance's peace of mind, then you completely understand and there will, nevertheless be any reproaches from you. Also say that her DBro needs to wind his neck in because he's being ridiculous and if he really thinks he can blackmail his father he needs to think again.

Seriously, your DSD is agreeing to a wedding plan ashe does not like. I know the wedding is just the party marking the start of the thing that really counts ie the marriage. But I canMt help but see this as a bad omen.

Weddings....... the cause of much angst, fights, falling out. So many threads, and so much worry.

But there can be good ones too, I know that !

Have to find a middle ground, or else just elope and do it your way.

It sounds to me like your SDD is in between a rock and a hard place. Her fiance has strong reasons presumably for not wanting family there. Quite frankly not liking heat and food are really rubbish reasons to miss your daughters wedding. I think I would feel incredibly hurt if I was her. She probably thought her Dad would understand why she chose abroad and support her.

It's not a 'frilly frock day'. It's her wedding.
Don't listen to the crazy frothers telling you to disown her.
Yes, she is being a bit bridezilla wrt expecting extended family to travel, but wrt her own dad, not so much. She just expects him to put her wedding ahead of the very trivial rrasons he has not to travel.And bridezillas do tend to calm down eventually, so ignore crazy arse people telling you write off your dh's whole relationship with her. I suspect no one on this thread would do the same to their own children.

I agree with "she doesn't sound mature enough for marriage".
What a way to speak to her Dad !

If it were really her dream to get married in Italy (and clearly it isn't), then she should be saying to him that this is something she really wants and would he give it some thought if they...... insert things like investigate airbnbs so can cater for self.... things like the option of travelling by train..... looking at temps at different times of year.... etc., showing that she acknowledges it is right out of his comfort zone and this is what she will do to try to persuade him to come.
The whole 'ultimatum' thing is only likely to make people dig their heels in.
She sounds a nightmare.

If she wants to get married in UK though, but without these relative, then why not do a small (house families only?) wedding at home which will naturally limit numbers, but will include her parents and those of his family he wants there. ?

She has approached it all wrong and will end up without her Dad there. Her brother needs to butt out.

Thank you all for your comments i really do appreciate it. It's so helpful to have some impartial advice. It's Mumsnet at its best!

For the poster asking if DSD is expecting a contribution the answer is yes as DH promised he will buy her dress. It will be interesting to see if she still expects that if she is planning on disowning him.

may no wedding ever be the best day of anyone's life - or it will all be downhill after those few hours. sorry, but it is just a party. Marriage is what matters.

Tell him to go anyway. My partner was cordially invited to a wedding next month (one of his co workers is tying the knot in a pub). European weddings are expensive either way.

My wedding last year was held at a local pub by the river. We stayed in a cheap hotel room and then ate at restaurants nearby the hotel on the honeymoon in Europe. We also did some sightseeing by car. Since it was out of season we were able to get some impressive deals on car hire, flights and accommodation. I remember doing a lot of research and calling up people.

Remember that she needs to book early and stop living in fantasy land. Let DH deal with everything it’s his family.