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Original poster

Wedding dilemma

63 replies

Mumthedogsbeensick · 13/09/2018 15:39

Posting for opinions and advice. DSD has recently got engaged and has decided that as there are several family members from both her and her fiancés side they don't want to invite, a destination wedding to Italy is the best way forward. Not sure why Italy as neither of them as ever been but that's their decision. It wouldn't be for couple of years.
The problem is my husband. He has never been abroad and has never wanted to. He doesn't like the heat and is a picky pain in the arse when it comes to food. I knew this when I married him and am more than happy to holiday in this country as have to be careful in the sun following cancer treatment and I also have Ménière's disease and am unsure if flying or sailing would bring on an attack of vertigo so it's never been an issue between us.
DSD obviously wants her dad to give her away but knows he won't go abroad. She hasn't actually spoken to him just called into my work place and asked me to see if I can change his mind. She also said that 'if he wasn't prepared to go abroad for his own selfish reasons then that would be it for her and him'.
DH is angry she hasn't asked him herself and upset that she has issued such a horrible ultimatum but is adamant he will not go abroad.
There are other members of DH family who she would want to attend ( his mum and his brother and sister and their spouses and children) who despite it being two years away simply will not be able to afford it.
Feeling a bit like piggy in the middle as they're both getting angry and upset with each other but directing it at me!

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 13/09/2018 20:36

DSD is not being a brat at all! She wants to get married in Italy, and she wants her dad to be there. What's wrong with that?

If my DC wanted to get married abroad, I would be there all the way. He's making her wedding all about him. He thinks that his daughter should gear her entire wedding about what suits him best???

Original poster
Mumthedogsbeensick · 13/09/2018 20:40

Their relationship has been fine prior to this. He has always been there for them and supported them both. Not long after we got married 5 years ago both DSD and DSS moved in with us because their mum and step dad were going to lose their housing benefit as DSD and DSS were working. Their mum wanted them both to pay the rent and council tax whilst they sat on their backsides. We supported them both until they were ready and able to move out.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/09/2018 20:46

She’s being weird and incredibly childish. He’s not obliged to leave the country and I say that as someone who loves travelling, her mum feels the same, and least of all for a stupid fucking destination wedding to a country they haven’t visited and have no concrete plans for. Who is your SD expecting to fund this daft venture. Why would she choose something that excludes both of her parents?

If I were your husband I’d be appalled to have raised two such selfish brats.

Bin it off. The only thing more ridiculous than destination weddings like this is long engagements so it might not even happen.

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Foxyloxy1plus1 · 13/09/2018 20:49

I’d investigate alternative methods of getting to Italy and ask her to consider having the wedding somewhere like Lake Garda, which is lovely and may be cooler. I’ve been there in August and it was about 25 degrees.

It sounds as though you’ve been designated peacemaker and problem solver, so if you do want to get them all together to discuss, I’d suggest having a plan for how you can get there without flying and then see where DSD plans to have the wedding. You might to do some research, so that you can suggest possibilities as well. Without being accused of interfering, of course!

NonaGrey · 13/09/2018 20:49

DSD is not being a brat at all! She wants to get married in Italy, and she wants her dad to be there. What's wrong with that?

What’s wrong with it Lookat is that she’s blackmailing her Dad into attending.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/09/2018 07:22

Not going to your dd's wedding abroad is excuseable if you literally have no money or are ill and cannot travel. Not going because you are a picky eater/don't like the sun, is really not a good enough reason. I'm surprised he can't see that.

Redgreencoverplant · 14/09/2018 08:43

Are you sure there isn't a back story here and this is the last straw for DSD and DSS? I have to say though that if my DS were getting married abroad and I could afford to go I would move heaven and earth to be there. I would happily experience discomfort and eat plain bread if need be to see him marry the person he loved.

ShatnersWig · 14/09/2018 09:02

DSD has recently got engaged and has decided that as there are several family members from both her and her fiancés side they don't want to invite, a destination wedding to Italy is the best way forward

No, you just have a wedding here and only invite the people you want. You don't decide to go abroad IF you know that some of the people you DO want to invite couldn't afford to go (which is also the case regardless of the issue with OP's husband and, to some extent, the OP herself).

DSD said 'if he wasn't prepared to go abroad for his own selfish reasons then that would be it for her and him'

So will she be disowning those who are too selfish to not start saving now to ensure they can attend, seeing as it's a couple of years away yet?

Sorry, but regardless of the OP's husband, the madam is already turning into a bridezilla.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 14/09/2018 09:06

She doesn't sound mature enough to get married. Call her bluff.

HeddaGarbled · 14/09/2018 09:08

I think they need to sort it out between themselves and it’s extremely unreasonable of them all to expect you to act as messenger and go between. Next time anyone says anything to you at all, I would say “you need to talk to x” and just repeat until they actually start talking to each other. Don’t take the burden of this on yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2018 10:20

I agree with ShatnersWig. Anyone defending the SD baffles me.

Original poster
Mumthedogsbeensick · 14/09/2018 14:52

Just to update everyone DSD has now actually confessed she would prefer to get married in the UK but doesn't want the stress of people moaning that they haven't been invited and that's why she has picked Italy. Her fiancé has several family members who he feels would 'kick off' if not invited but would not be prepared to travel abroad.
I have suggested somewhere like Ireland or Scotland or the South of England (we are in East Yorkshire) but its fallen on death ears.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2018 15:02

She sounds like a total nightmare.

Can you just steer well clear and refuse to discuss it? Tell her it's her day and she'll do what she wants so to let you know when they've made a decision.

They clearly don't give a fuck about what her Dad thinks so it's intriguing they'd rather upset him than some random relatives of her boyfriend's.

MorningsEleven · 14/09/2018 15:14

If they want a small wedding why don't they just choose a small venue and spin it to the people who aren't invited that they're keeping it low key/cant afford much?

Julesc1 · 14/09/2018 15:28

Hi everyone, my other half and I are getting married 2nd time round having a small wedding 25 guests. I lost my dad 2 years ago and have no immediate family due to family arguments my h2b sister has asked him to ask me if her grand daughter can be bridesmaid. I'm only having my cousin her daughter as she has lost her mum and knows what it like not to have a parent at the most important day . I will be very emotional and want to spend the time with her and her daughter. I've not met the grand daughter, this is going to cause problems with my h2b family. I've already compromised on some things. I want the wedding we want, not what everyone else wants .

SnuggyBuggy · 14/09/2018 15:33

If you have a destination wedding you have to accept with dignity that not everyone will attend?

That said would they consider a winter wedding. I visited an Italian city in February and the weather was just right for sightseeing. July would have been grim.

Original poster
Mumthedogsbeensick · 14/09/2018 15:39

@AnneLovesGilbert you've just put it into perspective for me. I've been that stressed being the intermediary that I wasn't even thinking about that! You are absolutely right thank you.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2018 15:42

You need to start your own thread @Julesc1, I'm sure you'll get some good advice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2018 15:46

You sound so lovely Mumthedogsbeensick and I really feel for you and your husband. She's a grown up (sort of) and needs to take responsibility for her own decisions, good and bad. The danger is letting her/them involved you too much is you getting the blame for having "advised" them what to do and then getting it in the neck from them or other people.

You've had some really odd responses on here. If your DSD had posted that she wanted to have a destination wedding to somewhere neither she now her DP have ever even been to and were demanding her parents attend when they've never left the country and don't have the money and threatened dire consequences if they didn't magically make it happen, she'd have had her arse handed to and told to stop being a selfish brat and think of other people - rightly so.

pumpkinyael · 14/09/2018 15:52

Be kind to yourself. This is not your problem.

I'm not sure... It feels like something weird is going on.
Either with her or her relationship with her DF...

Could they have it in Scotland, Ireland, Wales or maybe France?

Still a "destination wedding" (assuming you're in England) but they're closer and an English speaking country (which France obviously isn't) might make the organisation easier as well...

feebeecat · 14/09/2018 16:06

What's worse, dealing with a few family members 'kicking off' or losing her relationship with her father and splitting your family apart?

Leeds2 · 14/09/2018 16:28

Is DSD expecting her father to contribute towards her wedding?

EvaHarknessRose · 14/09/2018 16:33

I think she is giving her father one (perhaps last) chance to show that he would do anything for her. Her brothers support suggests they both feel strongly about his inflexibility. And what she has disclosed about wanting the wedding in the uk suggests she is marrying someone equally inflexible and not being heard by him :( .

Iloveacurry · 14/09/2018 16:37

My colleague doesn’t like flying but has been on holiday to Italy, her and her husband drive. Just another suggestion.

CalonGlas · 14/09/2018 16:50

She knows she's being unreasonable to her dad, or else she wouldn't be involving you in this, she'd be speaking to him directly. Agree with everyone else saying it's hugely unreasonable to expect you to wade in to negotiate - are you also expected to come up with a payment plan to make it affordable for the rest of the family?!

Weddings that are planned around negatives aren't exactly getting off to a good start.

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